Can’t cope with anything anymore

[Suzie2124]

I feel really down and in need of some support. Really hope I get a response as I have no one to talk to in RL.

I’m just overwhelmed with everything. I hate work. I feel I can’t stop thinking of work as a new young colleague keeps contacting me and I then spiral as I keep thinking of work. It’s part time but he contacts me on my days off. I am not in charge of him - he has a mentor who gets paid to deal with new starters. All my life I have felt people just tell me their problems as I’m a kind person who always listens. So even though he has someone he’s supposed to go to he comes to me.

I had enough so had a word with him last week. He was visibly upset. I feel like a crap person. I told him not to contact me on my days off again. I felt really bad but it had to be done. Tried to speak to my mum and her response was I’m a terrible person and shouldn’t have spoken to him! I then texted him and apologised for being harsh and hope he’s okay.

I have no support from DH either. He lives in his own world and work is his only priority. He leaves me and kids to just get in with our lives separately.

My kids exhaust me. I feel I have no one left in my life.

I feel lonely but then when people do contact me it’s always to offload their problems. I feel really alone in my marriage. The only time my husband talks to me is when we fight. We sleep in separate beds and haven’t been intimate for a long time.

I’m dreading going into work tomorrow and listening to everyone’s problems and new colleague will be stressing me out with his insecurities which then makes me feel stressed and insecure.

I feel lost and feel life is not worth it. I don’t want to talk to GP as it doesn’t help talking to a stranger and having therapy. They can’t make changes in my life only I can! I don’t know how to change myself to stop giving a crap for people who don’t matter in my life.

Getting out of your toxic, dead marriage would be an excellent start. You are living in misery, it's no wonder you're so overwhelmed.

Being lonely and unsupported in a relationship can make you feel far more alone than actually being alone - in my experience anyway. Can you make steps to leave him? I realise that's easier said than done, but I think you need to start making some changes. I was in a similar place to you not so long ago, and I realised I could carry on living as I was - just waiting to die - or I could start making changes.

It felt so overwhelming to start with, but these things can be broken down into small steps. Each time I take a step, I feel better.

I know you're not interested in therapy but I paid for a private counsellor to talk to, I can't afford her now but it was helpful for me when I could. Just to lay things out and get them clear in my head.

Wow. Your mother needs shunting out. Clearly she's not someone you can rely on. Work wise you can work on boundaries, start signposting more and listening less. You're not responsible for someone else being upset if they are burdening you too much.

For you - you need to get maybe a counsellor to talk through things whilst you establish boundaries so you can experience healthy two way relationships that feel supportive and balanced friendships.

I'd imagine leaving your H would help too.

As for the work situation, you did the right thing. It's ok to have boundaries... It's healthy. He has a mentor to speak to if he needs help.

Thank you for responses. I think boundaries is something I struggle with them feel guilty when I do try to create them.

My mother is not supportive at all and often discouraged me from thinking of myself.

My DH is the same - our issues have stemmed from his mother. I basically have to think of her and her feelings at every point of our lives.

I feel therapy won’t work as I have tried everything for past 15 years. I had CBT, hypnotherapy, self esteem workshops etc. Nothing works. I feel it’s like a little gloss over and makes me feel good whilst I’m having treatment but nothing really changes.

I just tried to call my mum now to chat as DH taken kids to him mum and I’m sat here really down. My mum laughed and said “what reason do you have to be depressed”. She often does this she minimises my feelings and always tells me I’m wrong. All my life I’ve had this.

I don’t think DH is as bad as is coming across on here I feel I project my feelings of my mum onto him as he’s very chilled out abs not into feelings like my mum.

Ugh, I can really relate to putting your foot down and then feeling incredibly guilty, like I came down too hard on the other person. I've been told I probably bottle it up and then explode - and that it's better to set boundaries earlier, before you feel like strangling the person. Haven't learned anything about how to actually do it, though. Let me know if you hear of anything. Just had an incident the other day, where I should have been more firm, gaaaah.

Is it possible that you are also suffering with peri-menopause? That combined with everything else would be making everything 100% worse, and probably make it near impossible for you to think clearly and take action.

Oh no, is there anyone else you can call? Someone actually kind?

Not sure if it could be menopause related as I’m in my 30’s.

You feel overwhelmed for a good reason, I so feel for you. Consider getting out of your marriage, all the CBT, hypnotherapy et al in the world will make NO difference if you stay steeped in toxicity. You simply can’t recover in that environment. You need some boundaries in place to protect yourself, so for now work out a plan and start visualising another way of living. You are worth so much more than the life you’re living.

Hi there

The way I see it, the problem here is how your mother's treatment of you in the past and present is affecting the way you see yourself. She has minimised your value, and the way you see your own value. She dismisses your feelings, and shows you that other people's feelings are more important than yours. This creates a kind of emotional pattern whereby you can sort of erase your needs and feelings in relationships and you have to bear them alone. Not only that, you bear other people's emotions and become the emotional caretaker. So you have a double burden while others have no burden. I know because my mother created the same pattern in me.

I think you should be really really proud of yourself for the way you asserted your boundaries with your colleague. You protected yourself, and gave value and importance to your own feelings. You also did so even though it made the other person feel bad, and this is key. They are feeling bad because you refused to carry their burden and carry the weight of their feelings as well as yours, without reciprocity. But you have every right to decide what is in your best interests. It is not remotely selfish, but even if it were, I would support you in being as selfish as you want to be. Fuck knows you deserve it after all the emotional labour you've done for other people who couldn't do the same for you. You broke a pattern by asserting yourself with the colleague and that is a seriously good step.

This doesn't have to be your life, feeling this way. You can have a good life, a vibrant, happy life. You in fact deserve one more than most people. The way to create this is to be really intentional about what you love and what you like and making time for that, and protecting that. Also protecting the validity of your own feelings. Your feelings of anger in particular will be useful if you can find them. They are an indicator of where things are not going as they should be. You are entitled to be angry, by people believing they can use your time and emotional support how they wish, toward your husband for his treatment of you, and ultimately, especially toward your mother.

It's going to be a long road but it can be a beautiful one. You can feel fulfilled and have a life that makes you truly happy. There is some emotional and mental work to do in changing the patterns your mother programmed in you. When you change those patterns in yourself the world and people react to you differently, and you will like the results better.

You can claim your own power, your own agency, piece by piece, until you really own your life.

I agree with you that traditional talking therapy is probably not going to do that much. I would suggest having a look at 'shadow work' which is based on Jung's concept of our shadow. This refers to the parts of ourselves we had to suppress in order to be acceptable to our parents in particular. Discovering, owning and integrating these parts helps in creating boundaries, which comes from knowing who we are and what we really want. If you can find a good Jungian therapist then I'd try that out, or there are plenty of books on shadow work you could find on Amazon etc.

You can do this.

@NotNowPlzz thank you so much for your insight. Very interesting to read this. I’m happy you broke the pattern your mother instilled in you, I hope I can do same x

Suzie. Much of your post resonates with me. I don't currently work but I have always been in care giver role.

I am N.C with my mother who I have now come to see as having mental health problems. My mother yelled down the phone at me because I hadn't been in contact for two weeks following a traumatic experience and we went n.c. My mother was in the wrong (I have come to realise that after blaming myself for so long) but nothing is going to change her and it is an awful thing to have to accept (I am awaiting therapy to try and unravel it a bit). Like yours, my mother is unable to handle feelings neither hers or anyone elses and divulges confidences or minimises everything...in the end I felt like I couldn't tell her anything when I desperately needed a good sounding board. I have a good friend now who has become like a mother figure to me, I am very lucky to have her but it is a delicate balance because she has her own family and I try to make it a two way thing and listen to her as well. I am very grateful to have her in my life and she validates a lot of my feelings.

I'm currently on a thread about having no other adult in their life on the relationships forum. It is possible I am in the perimenopause as I am the right age for this and older than you but basically my relationship with my husband is a sham we exist under one roof to co parent and talk on a very superficial level. I have no siblings, no parents, no other adult in my life (apart from my one very good friend). It is easy for people to say leave a situation when there are others to turn to - but I don't have this. My dcs are young, I don't want to be away from them, should we split etc. I haven't got any answers...maybe as they grow older things will change (and I realise I'm probably using this as another excuse).

I'm hoping therapy will help me or at least use it as a springboard to look at other areas of my life (as well as the fact that I am desperate to tell someone in real life how things have become for me). I need to do something to connect with others, I haven't done this for a long time. The job I was in was about constant giving but also involved hitting targets and was very monitored, I dread getting sucked back into something like this.

No answers but to say you aren't alone. None of it easy. Going N.C is not easy. I know on one level there was nothing more to be gained from this relationship and in many ways it was harmful but I still would have liked to have known she was there if that makes sense. My mother took control of the N.C situation...I tried to re-connect but I was rejected, it's awful, I'm just grateful I've got my dcs to focus on and to give them the love I've never had, they honestly keep me moving forward.

Sorry for the epic post!

Honestly the cause of how you feel is being unhappy in your home life. There's nothing more lonely or bound to make you feel insecure than being in a bad relationship.

Your work issues would be something you could shrug off when you leave work if you had a DH who was supportive and loving.

For the sake of the rest of your future and your kids, end your marriage first. Then you'll be able to see what (if any) other problems need action. It probably won't be as much as you think.

Good luck OP. I realise this is much easier said than done. But your happiness matters to you and your kids xxx

@User454876584 so sorry to hear this. It’s good you have someone to talk to. It makes me feel less alone knowing someone is also in sane boat. Please feel free to post on here more.

@YukoandHiro. Thank you for your reply. I just feel I project my mother onto DH. He’s not all bad I think I might push him away without realising it. I think my issues with my mother affect all areas of my life.

*same boat

I hear what you're saying OP and I'm sure that may be some of the issue and it's great you're examining that.

But you also say: " I feel really alone in my marriage. The only time my husband talks to me is when we fight. We sleep in separate beds and haven’t been intimate for a long time. "

If it was just projection, your DH would not be in a separate room. He'd be fighting to help you feel loved.

I feel lost and feel life is not worth it. I don’t want to talk to GP as it doesn’t help talking to a stranger and having therapy. They can’t make changes in my life only I can! I don’t know how to change myself to stop giving a crap for people who don’t matter in my life

A good psychotherapist can help you with that. I'm no expert but from what you have said I don't think CBT or low self esteem are your problem or cure. I've seen numerous therapists and most don't help but two have and they were both psychotherapists. The current one is helping me recognise and reprogramme my thinking patterns. She's also not scared to challenge me (as did the other psychotherapist) which I think is really important. She helps me to think about changes I can make, even if small, as if you make none everything stays the same.

As others have said, you need to be better at setting boundaries, and to know that its okay for you to do that, even if it feels uncomfortable for you. - sounds like your mum has taught you that you have to put others first.

You really can turn this around OP.

A good therapist really can help op. You'd need to find the right one for you, and it can take time to build a relationship where you feel comfortable enough to speak about things. It's fine if you don't want to do that, but you do need to talk things through with someone. Posting here is a good alternative I think.

Reading your op it really doesn't sound as though things are great with your husband, I don't think you're projecting. You said you rarely speak except to argue and sleep in separate rooms. I'm sure your relationship with your mum doesn't help but I think if things were better with your husband you'd be finding the support you need from him.

It may feel epic to deal with all of this but really you can. Keep posting here or write things down in a notebook to try and get it all clearer in your head.

I also think you need to start limiting contact with your mum. Is there a reason you're not or can't? Do you get anything positive from your relationship with her?