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Original poster

To ask how you knew your relationship was over?

25 replies

Gobbledene · 06/03/2021 15:42

Me and DP have been together for 6 years now, things were great, but since having DS 3 years ago its slowly been taking a nosedive. I dont know whether my expectations are just way off, whether the pandemic/lockdown is affecting my view, and whether I have the strength to leave.

I was just curious as to what was the straw that broke the camels back that pushed you from not being overly happy, to having the courage to end it.

For me it's just that he doesn't bother doing much with our little one, everything is left to me, even if on a weekend I have just come off a night shift. He works away a lot, and I feel like I support his career but I can't even get a few hours sleep after being on my feet running around for 12 hours. If he does get up and let me sleep, I hear about it all day- the yawning, moping around, doing the absolute bare minimum so I still have to do everything when I am up.

His hygiene is terrible, he will go well over a week without a shower, but pre covid he would happily have one a day if heading into work or seeing friends- it's like he has no respect for us and doesn't see the point. Never brushes teeth, washes hands etc. Working in the job I do I am even more conscious of germs and the benefits of practicing good hygiene (especially at the moment). Never wants to go out and do anything as a family. I did consider depression, but I have offered to support however I can and nothing changes. I know it's not that easy and not everyone recognises they have a problem in the first place; but I don't know how long I can go on like this, and if he won't even explore the possibility of needing some help then what can I do.

I just feel like it makes my life harder, for hardly any positives and I feel like I am done. Always walking on egg shells, not because he is violent or shouts, but because of the sulking, the moaning, the complaining.

OP posts:
Hangingover · 06/03/2021 15:44

I was just curious as to what was the straw that broke the camels back that pushed you from not being overly happy, to having the courage to end it

Simple in my case. Checked his internet history Sad

SassenachWitch · 06/03/2021 15:47

Mine is over now, been together just under 10 years and the only way to explain it is that I’m done, I’m just done with it all!

He won’t leave, I’ve asked, I’ve told, I’ve shouted that I want him to leave, he refuses to and then carries on as if nothing has happened.

My life is better when he is not around, I dread him coming home, he’s not nasty or violent, he just brings me down. I’d just like to wake up to find him and all his things gone from my life, like poof it never happened.

Littlecaf · 06/03/2021 18:22

This was a previous relationship but I think it’s a sign that once you’ve admitted it’s over either to a friend or family member (or a forum of strangers), it’s over and you need to find the strength to address it.

Good luck.

toolatetofixate · 06/03/2021 18:34

With an ex, after 2 years (thankfully this was all I knew him for) of emotional abuse, he threatens suicide as a manipulation tactic. I kicked him out that very night. Amazingly he didn't kill himself. Stupid prick.

Crankley · 06/03/2021 18:38

I got the hint when he said I'm leaving because you can't give me what I want (children) knowing from the beginning I couldn't have children.

RandomMess · 06/03/2021 18:43

It sounds pretty miserable for you!!

He doesn't pull is weight and doesn't seem to want to be a parent and doesn't support you working.

Ozziewoz · 06/03/2021 19:10

30 weeks of therapy it took me to realise that it wasn't myself who needed to get better. I just needed to wake up to all his abuse and cringy behaviours. In particular, his odd behaviour with the kids. From the moment I decided, he literally made my skin crawl. Telling him it was over was a massive relief.

exexpat · 06/03/2021 19:20

When I realised my heart would sink every evening when I heard his key in the lock coming home from work. And when I realised that in the previous year the only times I had really felt happy and totally myself were times when I was away from home without him. He wasn't a bad person or abusive or anything - we just were not right for each other.

Tempusfudgeit · 06/03/2021 19:21

When he went away for a week and I loved it. I realised I could feel like that all of the time.

funinthesun19 · 06/03/2021 19:26

When he broke a drawer in a temper because I “nagged” at him to get out of bed and go to work.

Deep down knew it was over before that. The lashing out at me, the emotional abuse, the lack of ambition for his children, the alcohol problem he had/has. But I stayed because I was scared about the unknown and how it would all go. It just seemed so stressful to split up.

But that day he did that with the drawer was the day I finally took steps to get him out. Like a switch had been flicked. I’ll never forget that day, and I’ll always mark it as a big turning point in my life because it was the day I finally saw my self worth and that I deserve better. And my children deserve better.
He didn’t actually leave the home for another 10 months while he saved for a deposit on a flat. And those 10 months weren’t pleasant.

It’s been over a year now since he moved out. Smile

eeek88 · 06/03/2021 19:31

When I moved to the country and on his 3rd or 4th weekend visit he was still swerving dramatically to avoid stepping in sheep shit.

If he’d been a very fastidious person regarding hygiene I’d have been more understanding but he happily slept on a mattress without a sheet and dressed in charity shop rags. It was at this point that I realised urban squalor was his bag and we were never going to be compatible. No regrets: he’s now an incel with stalkerish tendencies, who feels polyamory is unfair to ‘good guys’ like him, and whose 2020 highlight was exchanging blow jobs with a stranger in a park...

BluebellsareBlue · 06/03/2021 20:08

I think it 'went' slowly for me, well that's what I tell myself when I look back to December and I kick myself thinking why did you waste all those years?!?

I was 39 when we got together (45 now) and I was very honest (we had known each other since school) that in was desperate for a second child, he was very happy to oblige but knew I had great difficulty conceiving my then 11 year old. Two years later I came in to a sum of money and said that we could go private for ivf and he flipped the switch, he in no way wanted another child, wanted to get pissed all the time on my money and go on great holidays.

I now know my self esteem was at an all time low and it was his fault, he contacted prostitutes and sent messages to girls on FB, beating in mind this was a very over weight, low in common sense and intelligence drunken and occasionally drugged up asshole, I thought I had to do anything to keep him stupidly I put up with this and effectively spunked all my money trying to keep him happy.

Final straw was lockdown, he wasn't furloughed as he was self employed joiner so we were getting no money in, I was wfh doing 14 hour shifts to try and keep the mortgage paid, he would lie on the couch whilst I painted the outside windows and doors on my time off, and made tea and cleaned the house and he didn't even go to bed, just lay on the couch day after day doing fuck all, I ended up hating him! We split in the April but he was in the house til December.

In the September out of the blue my first love got in touch, and we have been inseparable even since, we don't live together but see each other five nights a week and take time off together. He makes me laugh, smile, cry happy tears and I've suddenly realise I wasted six years on a loser and this, what I have now is how it is supposed to be

toolatetofixate · 06/03/2021 21:58

@BluebellsareBlue

I think it 'went' slowly for me, well that's what I tell myself when I look back to December and I kick myself thinking why did you waste all those years?!?

I was 39 when we got together (45 now) and I was very honest (we had known each other since school) that in was desperate for a second child, he was very happy to oblige but knew I had great difficulty conceiving my then 11 year old. Two years later I came in to a sum of money and said that we could go private for ivf and he flipped the switch, he in no way wanted another child, wanted to get pissed all the time on my money and go on great holidays.

I now know my self esteem was at an all time low and it was his fault, he contacted prostitutes and sent messages to girls on FB, beating in mind this was a very over weight, low in common sense and intelligence drunken and occasionally drugged up asshole, I thought I had to do anything to keep him stupidly I put up with this and effectively spunked all my money trying to keep him happy.

Final straw was lockdown, he wasn't furloughed as he was self employed joiner so we were getting no money in, I was wfh doing 14 hour shifts to try and keep the mortgage paid, he would lie on the couch whilst I painted the outside windows and doors on my time off, and made tea and cleaned the house and he didn't even go to bed, just lay on the couch day after day doing fuck all, I ended up hating him! We split in the April but he was in the house til December.

In the September out of the blue my first love got in touch, and we have been inseparable even since, we don't live together but see each other five nights a week and take time off together. He makes me laugh, smile, cry happy tears and I've suddenly realise I wasted six years on a loser and this, what I have now is how it is supposed to be

I'm so glad you now have what you deserve. It's hard when you know you wasted time. Enjoy every minute of what you have now.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/03/2021 22:15

I just slowly fell out of love. I know now that we were too young when we got married. I knew it was over when I found myself looking on Rightmove at places that I could afford by myself.

I found out I was pregnant just after I'd decided to leave. So I stayed, hoping to make things work for our child but it didn't and we separated when DS was 10 months old.

Naughtyvegan · 06/03/2021 22:57

When I realised things would never change and I'd turn around one day when I was much older and wonder where my life had gone. He's a good man but we grew apart a long time before we broke up.

We still have a solid friendship and co parent our dc. He gets on with my partner and we've spent Christmases all together. The split hurt like hell but I can look back now and know that I worked hard to avoid it and that in the end, it was the right decision. I met a wonderful man a few months later and knew from very early on that he was the one for me.

Be sure. Be, really, really sure because when you go there, you constantly question yourself. For me, it was the genuine fear that I'd get to old age and resent my whole life with him. I'm excited for the future now, i wasn't before.

TeaAndBrie · 06/03/2021 23:21

In my previous marriage it was when I didn’t feel like home was home. I couldn’t relax when he was around, I would avoid being in the same room with him as it just felt forced and uncomfortable.

vlnr77yac · 07/03/2021 02:53

His hygiene is terrible, he will go well over a week without a shower,..AND Never brushes teeth

Covid is showing us all who and what we all are.

When showering becomes propaganda for the lads take the lesson and RUN!!

Its the stigma of divorce that keeps people locked in. Wouldn't you rather be alone than deal with that? I know I would. shudder. Flowers

GrandTheftWalrus · 07/03/2021 04:47

When I was working more so I didn't have to see him. I dreaded him coming home after work.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 07/03/2021 07:07

When I caught him with his tongue down my "best mates" throat. Up until then I had absolutely no idea.

Mn753 · 07/03/2021 07:30

I guess you have to think, will your and your child's life be better with co-parenting, shared custody, step families etc. For some it's an absolute yes, for others it isn't and is worth trying to work through.

Amiable · 08/03/2021 00:32

For me there were 2 things:

When my daughter came to tell me in absolute shock that her DDad had apologised to her... just to see her reaction to what should have been a normal thing but was actually rare/non-existent.

Just a few days later listening to my now exH tell me about how our son had hurt himself because he was messing about, and how cross exH was because he had told him etc, etc. When I asked if he had comforted DS he just looked at me with a puzzled expression...

That was when I knew.

FakingMemories · 08/03/2021 05:22

I realised when I found i enjoyed the time we were apart (he was at work or out with friends) more than I enjoyed the time we were together. I found myself looking forward to when he would be working late or overtime at the weekend so that I could have time without him at home. He hadn’t really done anything wrong, but nothing seemed to be right either.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/03/2021 05:37

When I had an exit affair. (I don’t feel remotely bad about it - my AP was single and exH had been cheating for years).

It was still hard to leave as in many ways I did still love exH. Indeed I still do, but like a brother now. He’s not a terrible person. He’s a very good father for example. Just not suited to monogamy.

But I am an intrinsically monogamous person, so when I found myself falling for another man, I knew it was time to move on. Didn’t end up with AP, didn’t leave to be with him. Just realised I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing.

starrynight21 · 08/03/2021 05:48

When I came home early from work because of being ill. It was a weekend . Walked in and heard laughing out in the back garden. Looked out of the bathroom window and he was there with our kids, OW and her kids, all playing happy families. That picture is still burned into my brain, 18 years later.

Rowofducks · 08/03/2021 06:18

When he started trying to get my dd involved in the emotional abuse. He had been emotionally and sexually abusing me for 10 years.

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