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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I thinking too much into this?

16 replies

Roob23 · 05/03/2021 21:27

Random, might be long so sorry in advance. I’ll probably get told to stop panicking over something so far ahead.

I have a DS with additional needs who needs extra support at school. That’s all good, no issues with this.

We need to start thinking about secondary school (he’s year 5 but a decision will have to made not too far into the future).

We live in a village and there’s 3 schools in nearby towns to choose from. The one I really like the sound of but something is holding me back.

Basically, without going into too much detail. I’ve never had my bio father around despite living locally to each other. He hasn’t seen my since I was a toddler which I have no memory of him. Anyway I have a feeling that his wife is a member of staff at the school I like. I don’t think she’s a teacher but maybe a Ta! DS has additional needs as above so works with ta’s etc. I’m not sure exactly if she is. Secondary schools don’t have staff lists like primary schools do on their website so I can’t find out for sure 🤣 but I’m sure she is working there based on Something I read online.

Should I let this influence my decision? The school sounds fab but what if she has to work DS! I mean she probably wouldn’t know who the hell he was nor would ds. But she might recognise the surname. I took my mother’s and my sons took mine (long story). Quite a unique name too.

If I feel that it’s the right school aibu to just send him there ? Or choose another on this situation alone?

Sounds daft but not knowing my dad really bothers me. I feel it’s for my own issues. I don’t know if I could deal with her around DS. Like I say DS is totally unaware but I worry she will find out and treat him badly at school! the wife is a bit of a cow from what I’ve heard. It’s not her fault my dad abandoned me but they got together when I was tiny so she is very aware I exist.

I’m just confused on how I should feel about this. Ignore it and hope she doesn’t work there anymore, hope that if she does her and DS will not work together or become aware they are kinda linked or choose another school?

Advice? Apologies if I send like an over anxious mess! Please tell me I’m being ott and to not worry about it!

OP posts:

TheJackieWeaver · 05/03/2021 21:33

I’d phone the school, ask to speak to the SENCO and explain your concerns.

eatsleepread · 06/03/2021 03:50

Hi OP. That is a really tricky one. I wouldn't want her to have anything to do with my child either.
It may be an idea to meet with the Headteacher to explain your concerns. It's a really sensitive issue, this.
Good luck.

Cheesypea · 06/03/2021 04:36

This woman has done nothing wrong. You either send your son to the school knowing she works there or not. You can always ask the school to keep them apart. Anything can happen in 6 years before he starts secondary school.

ChameleonClara · 06/03/2021 04:42

I would listen to your instinct. What you're saying is you fear this will bring difficulties for your son.

Check the other two schools out really carefully to see either would work for him.because if they would then your problem is solved.

Makinglemonadefromlemons · 06/03/2021 06:03

I would call the school and speak with the headteacher & discuss your concerns. If she works there they can ensure she doesn't work with your son.
To be honest I think it's your best option, as she may well change jobs & work at any school in the future, at least this way you have some control & your son gets to go to the school that will best meet his needs.

AmelieTaylor · 06/03/2021 06:25

@Cheesypea

18 months

@Roob23. I'm really sorry about your Dad, that must be really hard, but given you were a toddler when you last saw him, you can take 'some' consolation it's not you he hasn't wanted to see, it's just the concept of being a father ... I don't understand how people can do that, but plenty do

I think you need to find out if she's definitely working there this next school year & when applications need to go in.

How much difference is the provision for DS at that school & at your second choice?

If there's not a lot in it, I'd send him to the second choice. If there is I'd speak to the HT & see if it would be possible for DS not to have anything to do with her if he goes to there.

But I think it'll be a constant source of pain bringing your father to your mind all the time, so best avoided if you can.

Bythemillpond · 06/03/2021 06:32

Call the school and check and if she does work at the school then I would choose one of the others

Sahm101 · 06/03/2021 06:36

Don't panic. First step make sure you know she works there or not. If she does then you can decide then. But don't start worrying now about something that might not even be a problem.

ShrewYou · 06/03/2021 06:55

I don't know what you could say to the school that would make them keep a TA away from a pupil. 'I think my biological fathers wife works there and although she hasn't done anything wrong at all I don't want her working with my son.' I just can't see the school being able to act on that information. Parents don't get input on staffing decisions.

Every member of staff needs to be able to work with every child.

spookycookies · 06/03/2021 07:02

What's to stop you sending him to the other less good school and her getting a job there the next year? I would send him to the school that will best meet his needs. There are literally over 100 members of staff in an average secondary he might have nothing to do with her.

Cheesypea · 06/03/2021 09:37

Oh sorry-year 5. Ignore me.

Hadalifeonce · 06/03/2021 09:44

Does your father and his wife even know you have a child? Is your surname unusual, do if she does work there she would recognise?
Does your father know you still live in the area?

There are so many unknowns in this situation, OP.
I think you have to work out exactly what you do know and base your decision on that.

Seasidemumma77 · 06/03/2021 09:48

Exactly what I was going to say spookycookies

Original poster

Roob23 · 06/03/2021 14:38

Thanks all. My bio father definitely knows I have children. He has other children too (not with wife) who I know well (they are older than me). They see him from time to time, just know he knows. It’s a small area where people talk! My mum and him shared friends when they were together.

I just don’t know how to address it. I don’t want to come across as a complete nightmare to the school. I prefer this school because it seems to be the most suitable and highly rated but I will consider the others but not until I know for sure - but how do I found out. I just feel a bit weird about it and I shouldn’t do. My dad has nothing for me and the wife is nothing to me too.

I know his wife hasn’t done anything wrong (I haven’t heard nice things about her mind) but they got together when I was tiny I think. I just couldn’t respect or marry a man who abandons their kid! It just baffles me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Roob23 · 06/03/2021 14:40

@spookycookies

I agree! One of the 3 is in a slightly different area so on this alone they would be ideal as she’s not likely to work there but I don’t want to send DS to that school just because my dad abandoned me when most of his friends will be going to the one I like 😭

OP posts:

LilMidge01 · 06/03/2021 15:01

I wouldn't let this situation compromise your choice of school for your son, I would still go first choice as it is best for him. But I understand your concern and sympathise.

As for the PP who said it's not really the schools business or why should they care.. I disagree. This woman is technically your family and your DS's step-grandma. As long as you were polite and not going in with an attitude of "you best never let her near my son!" (Which btw it sounds like you are not being rude about this at all, you sound very reasonable), I think there is nothing wrong with telephoning the head and saying that you have no contact with your stepmother (that is technically your relationship) and have no issue with her per se, but would like to confirm whether she works at the school as you are concerned the effect this might have on your son should he be unaware and then encounter her etc. and you would like to prepare for that if it is the case. That should then lead to a reasonable conversation if she does indeed and if not, then no worries.

Can you also by any chance mention it to your older siblings who may have more knowledge and also might be able to pass on any intermediary messages of agreeing to keep to yourselves/ not reveal the relationship to your son if that is I deed the case that she works there?

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