Friend and I parent very differently - how to respond to the texts?

[lucel]

My friend and I have differing opinions. She'll text me about scenarios etc and I feel like unless I reply with 100% support, she gets defensive and cross.

Thing is, most of the time I agree with the nursery's point of view!

Do I just agree with my friend, not say anything, or actually say what I really think?

Say what you think. Friends are allowed to have different views.

How about 'look, I don't personally think the nursery sounds unreasonable, but if you aren't happy I suggest you look around and move your DC to one that suits you better'.

Could you say something confirming you've read it like "oh yeah, our nurseries the same" or something, without really giving your opinion?

I would love to say my actual thoughts but I feel I can't!

I consider myself a gentle parent but I also believe that 3 year olds need a bit of discipline too.

She's a real tricky one!

Can you give an example?

To be honest, if it's always complaining about nursery I'd do as suggested and point out maybe she needs to find another nursery

No, not always nursery.

It's always to do with being super sensitive/soft tbh. Like making a huge deal of falling over, not having any boundaries really

Attributing adult rationale to toddler situations. Things like that

I think I'd have to say
"I'm not sure why you keep asking me, and then getting cross when I give you my opinion. I think, if the Nursery keep bringing something up, I'd listen to them. Obviously I don't know about the incident as I wasn't there, but what reason would they have to say something they weren't observing?"

Is she just wanting to vent or is she telling you these scenarios and genuinely expecting you to comment on them?
From her perspective if you've had a stressful day and just want to rant about something that upset you and your friend constantly replies in a way that is critical it could get annoying.
You don't necessarily need to agree with her opinions, maybe all she needs is a bit of a sympathetic ear.

Ok so she messages and says oh nursery are on my case again because Lily cried when she fell over.

Why can't you just empathise? Oh it must be frustrating having them messaging you so much VS well yes she is a tad dramatic isn't she

'You do sound stressed about it'
'I can tell you are upset'

@SleepingStandingUp

Ok so she messages and says oh nursery are on my case again because Lily cried when she fell over. Why can't you just empathise? Oh it must be frustrating having them messaging you so much VS well yes she is a tad dramatic isn't she

I do all the empathy stuff too.

Just reply with an acknowledgement and a question

‘Oh no, that sounds difficult to deal with, what are you going to do?’

‘Ah I’m sorry that happened, how do you feel about it’

‘Oh what a shame for DC, why do you think nursery are saying that?’

Youve acknowledged her feelings, you’re sympathetic, she is heard and you’re clear that you’re there for her. Without agreeing with her.
If she’s not an idiot she will then think about what’s happening in a less defensive way

But if that's a typical scenario (was unsure who's attributing adult rationale - mom, kid or nursery) what would you usually say? I think you need to figure if she's after sympathy or advise.

The world is full of different people ..who were raised by different people?!

I'll never understand why people like her cant leave well alone and understand the whole world can't be viewed through their eyes and do every single thing the way they see fit.

Closed minded people with sore necks looking down from their high horses🙄

@lucel

I would love to say my actual thoughts but I feel I can't!

I consider myself a gentle parent but I also believe that 3 year olds need a bit of discipline too.

She's a real tricky one!

You can tell her your actual thoughts....you’re CHOOSING not to. You either carryon being her “yes” man friend.....or you woman up and tell her your OPINION.

is it possible to ask her about what she needs from you in a more general way ? If my friend kept doing this id raise it because id be curious.
Could you just say ' is everything alright with you and the nursery? you seem to be checking in with me a lot about instances that are often everyday events at nursery so i'm wondering if you are concerned about then for some reason?'
might it be that she's anxious about things in general? Or has she always been like this?