To think my friend is dismissive and rude and I should cut her out?

[herefornowpow]

I've been really struggling for the past year, weight gain, no periods, acne, excess hair and struggling to conceive. It's been a nightmare and have been fobbed off by the doctors for past year (which I understand because of Covid).

My friend whom I haven't seen in a year due to Covid but we chat on WhatsApp pretty much every day knows how shit I've been feeling and how frustrated I've been.

Yesterday I finally got diagnosed with PCOS, it's been such a relief as it finally makes sense and we have a plan now going forward and have looked at what can improve it and also a plan to help us conceive.

Anyways when I messaged my friend yesterday I said, 'well the verdicts in, I've been diagnosed with PCOS' and she just said, 'oh have you?' And then changed the subject and started chatting about her day.

I am actually quite livid about this and wondering what her problem is. I honestly feel like she is so self obsessed and I am tempeted to cut her out completely.

AIBU?

Sorry about your diagnosis and how ill it has been making you. It's really difficult to tell if your friend was rude, or if she just didn't know what to say to you? Or is there something going on in her life that is equally bothering her? It's a shame to suddenly end things if you teo are usually close. I guess, ultimately, only you know the dynamics of your friendship, but if it's really not working then maybe it is time to cool things for a bit.
I hope you get appropriate treatment and feel better soon.

Is it a one off or is she often insensitive?

You said yourself you chat every day and tell her how shit and frustrated you feel. Maybe you’ve gone on about it too much??

"My friend whom I haven't seen in a year due to Covid but we chat on WhatsApp pretty much every day knows how shit I've been feeling and how frustrated I've been."

I would assume that if your friend's response was to just shut you down after you told her you'd been diagnosed with PCOS, then you've been oversharing, moaning and ranting to her about the same issue over and over again. She is probably just sick of hearing you complain. It's a personal health issue of yours that has nothing to do with her and it's not something she can help you with! I imagine she's probably fed up of listening to you talk about this and pretty tired of giving you sympathetic responses (which is all she can do) in return.

Maybe if you've spoken about symptoms and tests, investigations etc for a while and it was suspected she maybe just thinks it was already a given and that you were just confirming it?
I wouldn't drop a friend for this one thing but if she's like this over everything then I would be taking a step back from the friendship.

This one throw away comment doesn't make your friend sound self obsessed. So if there isn't a big drip feed here you are being unreasonable to cut her out just because of this.

Maybe she feels awkward and doesn’t know what to say, some people are like that? Perhaps she thinks you don’t want to talk about news which is upsetting so she’s trying to change the subject.

I agree she should have said ‘sorry to hear that’ or something to that effect instead of coming across as a bit insensitive.

Alternatively, she might just be a bit of an I sensitive arse by nature but only you know...

Sorry you've been unwell.

Unless there's a huge backstory, your friend doesn't sound self obsessed, just a bit dismissive/insensitive. As others have said, is it possible that you've been going on a bit about your symptoms?

I wouldn't cut out a good friend (if you're in daily contact, I'd assume she's a good friend) for just this single episode.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time. I'm not seeing that she's done anything wrong though. Is there a backstory you haven't shared? What did you want her to say?

@Youmakemyheartgogiddyup

Maybe if you've spoken about symptoms and tests, investigations etc for a while and it was suspected she maybe just thinks it was already a given and that you were just confirming it? I wouldn't drop a friend for this one thing but if she's like this over everything then I would be taking a step back from the friendship.

I agree with this. I thought PCOS was a given based on OP's symptoms.

I have PCOS, it's shit - I'm sorry. I'm pretty open about it but I recognise but my struggle and I dont expect anything, sympathy or otherwise, from my friends.

I mean, it's shit. It is. But what do you want her to say?

You’re actually quite livid?

That’s a very strong reaction to her changing the subject.

Is it really that she’s cold, uncaring, lacks empathy, and you’ve only just realised?

Or is it that she’s been a sympathetic ear on the subject for months and she’s all tapped out?

It’s very extreme to think about ditching her due to one comment. She didn’t ignore you, her comment had a ? at the end so maybe it was an opener should you want to elaborate on what that means for you, and while you were chatting she shared her own news.

What did you say next? Did you not reply?

Chatting with friends should be a mutual activity, you shared news, she covered what’s going on with her, that’s how it goes.

You haven’t said how you think she’s self obsessed. Maybe she feels your health issues have dominated your conversations. Maybe not. We don’t know you. But I wouldn’t rush to a dramatic friendship ruining action you might regret if she’s happily listened to you for a year.

She probably wasn't in the mood to start a long conversation of what this now meant, treatment options etc. If you're talking almost every day she could be a bit weary of hearing about it and in doubt that you'll fill her in whether she asks about it or not.

Less is more when telling friends about medical conditions, no-one wants to hear every in and out.

I think you're perhaps being a bit over sensitive OP.

Maybe your friend just didn't know what else to say? We don't all have the right words, all of the time.

Also, your friend has listened to you for he past year, and you say you've spoken every day. As much as we want to be there for our friends, it can be very draining at times no matter how good a friend we are.

That Dora's the mean they don't care, or have no empathy, or have had to endure what you have, but it is a fact.

I don't think your friend sounds self obsessed from this one insight into your friendship, to flip it on its head, if you've been going on for a year, she perhaps feels that you are a little self obsessed.

You talk about your physical health, but how are you feeling mentally?

You've had a rough trot, and it will have taken a huge toll on you, sometimes we don't realise just how much things have effected us, and that in turn can blur our clarity with situations like this.

Well I'd be upset as well. Friends are supposed to support one another and you told her something that was clearly important to you. Either she is tone deaf or self-centred

It seems a shame to cut her off after just this one comment. Maybe you have been going on about it too much? Yes friends are supposed to be supportive but if one is always negative it does put a strain on the friendship.

Your friend doesn't sound self-obsessed. You do. Maybe for a good reason, because you have had a horrible time. But people get fed up of hearing about it. Everyone has been having an awful year of it, for one reason or another, but nowhere have you mentioned anything about her - just how awful it is that after a year of your troubles she has nothing to say about your diagnosis. So if you decide to cut her off, she might be quite relieved.

Think we need more info. Is she more of a frenemy who doesn’t want you to have the things you want?

"Oh have you?" is a perfectly acceptable response. To me that's good manners by not prying but indicating you canngive more detail if you like. Being livid is waaay out of proportion.

Quite surprised at these replies. If the friend was fed up, surely they wouldn’t still be in contact every day?

A diagnosis of PCOS is a big deal and carries potential ramifications for conception. Having a diagnosis confirmed is very different than just when it’s suspected. I’d be so disappointed in that response, especially as they’re aware you’ve been struggling.

What I did about it depends on the background - are they usually a good friend, showing care and interest? Or are they usually unsupportive and disinterested? If it’s the first, I’d cut them some slack. If it’s the latter I would detach myself and cool the friendship.

I’m glad you have some answers and a plan to move forward OP x

YABU.

If you’ve been talking about it for a year, she probably has run out of things to say. She acknowledged it politely. Sounds like you’ve been going on about it pretty relentlessly (understandably, as it’s causing you problems), possibly to the exclusion of interest in her.

Would that be a fair reading, OP?

I suffer from PCOS also so my sympathies Op. I also suffer from mood swings. could this be a part in this? I’m not sure what you wanted her to say? It’s hard over text.