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Original poster

To think my baby won't know who I am?

26 replies

HarleyQuinn21 · 04/03/2021 17:20

Hi all,

I have a beautiful five week old baby but sadly since he was born I've not been able to be his primary care giver as my dad was very poorly and in and out of hospital, He sadly died on Monday. I was lucky as I had a lot of support from DH and MIL but really they've been his primary care givers for the last five weeks, from next week till he's about seven months I'll be his primary caregiver (before he goes to nursery) will this be enough time for him to get to know me as his mummy or have I missed the window and he won't love me as much? I don't know if I'm being stupid but I'm just really worried he won't bond with me now ..

OP posts:

Newkitty · 04/03/2021 17:23

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

Please don’t worry about your baby. He will absolutely love you and know who you are and I hope you really enjoy the next few months.

MedusasBadHairDay · 04/03/2021 17:23

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't worry about your baby, my DD was born prem and was in hospital for 6-7 weeks, so most of her care was given by nurses. We bonded once we had time together, don't put pressure on yourself though. You've been through some trauma, and need to give yourself time too. There's no window to miss IME.

MyLittleOrangutan · 04/03/2021 17:24

He's been bonding with your for 9 months, he knows you, dont worry. The change might make him a little confused for a few days so dont let it get you down. Sorry for your loss, you did the right thing being with him

Liquorishtoffee · 04/03/2021 17:26

You’ve had a rough time. 💐

Your baby was until recently in your belly, part of you. He heard your heartbeat and your voice (and probably gurgling tummy too). He knows you by instinct. You can’t break that bond.

Hope you can enjoy your time with him now.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/03/2021 17:26

Your baby was inside you feeling your heartbeat for months.

It will be fine. You haven't "missed a window", lots of time to bond. Babies quickly bond when you are feeding and caring for them.

Really sorry about your dad.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 04/03/2021 17:26

Of course he will.
DH went away with work for several months when DD1 was 10 days old. Just a few weekend visits.
With DD2, he didn't meet her until she was 2 weeks old, having not seen DD1 from when she was 14-21 months old.
There have been many other absences since then, of various lengths.

They are all extremely bonded. Always have been.

Try not to worry and be kind to yourself. You've had a rough few weeks.

Mynextname · 04/03/2021 17:26

Of course you haven't missed the window. Btw attachment is a lifelong process. It doesn't just happen over a few weeks. Putting this pressure on yourself could cause some serious problems though.

Just relax and enjoy the time you will have with your little one and most importantly be kind to yourself. You have been through so much in the last few weeks. I am so sorry for your loss.

pinkphone · 04/03/2021 17:28

Of course he will know you are his mummy! I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, and you must be feeling so emotional right now. Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot.

Your baby is only five weeks old and probably has spent a lot of time sleeping, and you'll be looking after him now for the most part and he will absolutely know who you are.
You can spend time with your baby now doing skin-to-skin, lots of cuddles, and playing with him as he gets older and more interactive. You definitely haven't "missed the window"

bloodywhitecat · 04/03/2021 17:29

Plenty of time. I am a foster parent, I mainly have babies and it never ceases to amaze me how quickly the bond forms. I recently had a baby from the age of three weeks until he was 13 months old, he loved us to bits I have no doubt about that but he is now very bonded to his new mummy and daddy, so much so that when he came to see us just four weeks after leaving us it was mummy he looked to for comfort and not me. What matters is that your baby has been shown love, that will teach him that love is safe and enable him to bond with you and trust you in a very short space of time.

I am so sorry about your dad.

steppemum · 04/03/2021 17:29

Of course he will know who you are.
Please don't worry.

And babies have surprisingly long memories.
I lived with my parents with dd1 from 8 months pregnant until she was 8 weeks old.

Then we went back overseas. Pre zoom/skype etc. My mum came to visit when dd1 was 11 months old. Mum arrived at night. In the morning I took dd1 into her room and stuck her on the end of the bed. dd1 was not one for new people at all. She stared at this stranger in the bed, and then my mum started talking and dd1's face lit up and she crawled the length of the bed to get to her.
I am 100% sure she recognised her voice.

DinoMamasaurus · 04/03/2021 17:30

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s not the start you would have chosen but please remember your baby has a significant head start on knowing you against anyone else as he lived inside you! He absolutely knows you are his mummy.

As a parents there is always something to worry and second guess ourselves about. Try not to fret. Enjoy all the special time with him.

Carolina24 · 04/03/2021 17:31

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Please don’t worry about your bond with your baby. He will absolutely know and love you. A bond isn’t made in five weeks - it will develop over his lifetime. He won’t remember that sometimes you weren’t there in the first few short weeks, he will just know that you’re his mum who he loves, and who loves him back.

MindyStClaire · 04/03/2021 17:31

Both of my babies were born by c section. DH took them to recovery while they finished off with me. When they wheeled me into recovery they were crying, and stopped as soon as they heard my voice. Your DS knew you long before he was even born.

I'm sorry for your loss, my dad died earlier this year and it was hard enough with a six month old, I can't imagine it with a newborn

Ponoka7 · 04/03/2021 17:34

Babies bond at around 12 weeks. Even babies who are put in Nursery, or with Carers from six weeks, attach primarily to their Mother from then. This won't make a difference to attachment.

GameSetMatch · 04/03/2021 17:49

He knows your smell and voice more than anybody else’s, it’s such a short time you’ve missed I really wouldn’t worry! I’m so sorry about your Dad, enjoy time with your baby.

FilthyforFirth · 04/03/2021 17:58

I'm really sorry for your loss.

To echo others your baby spent 9 months part of you. He/she absolutely know's who you are. I never believed this until I had a child of my own, but mums are the most important parent, at least when they are babies.

You haven't left anything too late at all. Might be a few days settling in but they will love you and you will have a great bond.

Topjoe19 · 04/03/2021 18:02

I'm sorry for your loss. I suffered a close family bereavement just after my first DC was born so I can empathise with how tough it is. Please don't worry, my DC is now 3 and we are so so close. I found it so hard to bond at first as I was deep in grief but it did come after a while. Be kind to yourself.

YukoandHiro · 04/03/2021 18:06

Please don't worry. I was in an incubator for the first 9 weeks of my life, in hospital for three months (I was born by EMCS at 29 weeks). My mum was sent home after a fortnight and visiting hours were only three hours a day (it was 1982). I'm very close to my mum. As always with the baby years, it was far harder on her than me....

1forAll74 · 04/03/2021 18:16

I don't think this will be an issue up to now, but if you are having to put your young baby into some day care, that would be an issue for me.

Mama1980 · 04/03/2021 18:19

Oh bless you please don't worry. I was unconscious for the first few weeks of my sons life - when they lifted him into my chest (nicu kangaroo care) his heartbeat instantly stabilised- he knew exactly who I was and your baby does too.

Forestdweller11 · 04/03/2021 18:36

@1forAll74

I don't think this will be an issue up to now, but if you are having to put your young baby into some day care, that would be an issue for me.

I'm not sure that 7 months is early given that most maternity leave is for 6 months. And the baby is only five weeks old.

Imapotato · 04/03/2021 18:38

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It must have been so tough caring for your father and a new born at the same time.

But please don’t worry about your baby not knowing you’re his mum. He’ll know, he’s only been in the world 5 weeks, he was inside you for 9 months. He know the way your heart beats, the sound of your voice and your smell. No one in the world could replace you to him.

I hope that you are able to enjoy the next 7 months getting to know your little boy. You have enough real stresses on your plate, please don’t worry about this.

Imapotato · 04/03/2021 18:40

@1forAll74

I don't think this will be an issue up to now, but if you are having to put your young baby into some day care, that would be an issue for me.

Not the most helpful comment given the circumstances

OP I went back to work when dd1 was 5.5 months, as you only got 6 months paid may leave back then. She’s now 16 and we are very close. So please don’t worry about this.

Doggybiccys · 04/03/2021 19:03

@1forAll74

I don't think this will be an issue up to now, but if you are having to put your young baby into some day care, that would be an issue for me.

OP please do not listen to this. @1forAll74 is extremely fortunate to not have to worry about this as most people I know have had to put their young DC into child care to keep working.

Your DC will 100% know you. I can understand your concerns but please know all will be well. I was ill and in hospital for my 2nd DCs first 6 weeks - I do not feel any difference between my relationship with both my DC. Honestly, you’ll be fine

Bubbinsmakesthree · 04/03/2021 19:21

I’m sorry for your loss, what a desperately tough time to go through this

My DS had to spend the first few weeks of his life in NICU - for the first few days I couldn’t hold or touch him. It was so hard when he was wailing in an incubator that I couldn’t comfort him. Mostly I could only visit for an hour or two in the evenings. Whether or not he bonded we me immediately, it took a while after he left hospital for me to properly bond with him.

He’s now a very confident, loving 4 year old who is a complete ‘mummy’s boy’ who gives huge hugs that make every day better.

Don’t worry, the two of you will have an unbreakable mother-child bond - I hope you get a lot of comfort in spending your maternity leave together over the next few months.

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