To not reply to constant messages?

[JensonsAcolyte]

I have a friend who texts me every single day, multiple times a day.

I don’t reply to every single one. But lately it’s been texts that require an answer, usually a ‘do you want this’ text about whichever random ornament or item of clothing she’s trying to foist on me (whole other thread).

She is also one of life’s moaners, bless her, but I find it really draining to wake up every morning to reams of texts about her period/migraine/lack of sleep. The other day I suggested if she was that tired she should go back to bed and got a lengthy reply about how much she had to do that day; all of it totally optional. So she doesn’t really want conversation, I just think she sees me as an outlet for her moaning.

She’s never worked since having a child nearly 15 years ago and she’s filled her life with shopping and housework. I don’t want to talk about housework, I hate it. She’ll ask me what I have planned for the day. Well, pretty much like any other day in lockdown/furlough, I’m sitting on the sofa watching shit on telly while occasionally printing out worksheets for homeschooling. Not stripping beds every three days and cleaning skirting boards. I don’t want to wake up to a text every single fucking morning asking my plans and wishing me a productive day.

She’s lonely and bored and also a lovely lovely person who would be very hurt if I just told her to stop texting but AIBU to maybe just stop replying for a couple of days to get her to tone it down?

Or IABU and should just reply as it takes seconds and I’m not exactly busy?

Stop replying for a couple of days - say you are having a few phone free days.

Yes to phone free days, and tell her you're decluttering like mad so won't be wanting any of her cast offs.

Respond once, at the end of the day, noting that you’ve been busy. Barely acknowledge the whinging, just a “sorry to hear you were tired earlier” or whatever. Then say you’re off to do whatever so will catch up another time. Do this every day. Keep saying that you’re looking forward to catching up in person, or maybe a phone call one evening. Suggest she starts a mood journal or a sleep log to track how she’s feeling and see if there are any patterns which might help her to address the problem.

It sounds harsh but frankly I’ve no time for whingers who expect constant placating. Surely this sort of shit is what blogs were invented for, so you can write all your woes and gripes down in one place where nobody else is forced to hear about them unless they choose to?

Don’t reply. What the worst she can do. Stop messaging you? Result.

Grey rock her, ignore any comments about tiredness or whatever. And I'd do what @ComtesseDeSpair suggested, text back once in the evening. This is not to be unkind to her, but people like this are draining.

Thank you for not telling me I’m being ridiculous!

I think the one text at the end of the day strategy might work. She did used to have form for phoning DH at work if I didn’t respond because she was worried about me but DH is wfh now so not really a problem.

I need to extricate myself from the constant chat without hurting her feelings though. Or at least feel like I don’t need to participate as much.

What a drain! If you don't respond straight away, e.g. responded once at the end of the day, how do you think she would react?

I have a friend who uses to ring me all the time, I used to answer and spend hours listening to her endless monologues. I found it really hard work as my job is basically speaking in the phone, so it was like doing unpaid overtime. I ended up telling her indirectly that I don’t enjoy speaking in the phone in my free time, rather than keep avoiding her calls. I think it’s best (but not always easy) to be honest

Can you mute her so you only read her messages when you feel up to it ? I’m in a similar situation and I now have the people on mute as I was feeling very harassed with constant messages similar to the type one thing you have been getting .
I think at the moment it’s really difficult to want to have any ongoing chat by message with anyone about day to day stuff there’s just not a lot to be said .

She did used to have form for phoning DH at work if I didn’t respond because she was worried about me.

Unless you have a serious health condition that is absolutely bonkers!!!

Oh goodness that must be exhausting. I couldn't stand constant moaning from a partner nevermind a friend. It sounds like she needs a hobby or something to keep her occupied, she's bored. I definitely second the phone free days and phoning your DH is not on, that's too intense.

@MsVestibule

She did used to have form for phoning DH at work if I didn’t respond because she was worried about me.

Unless you have a serious health condition that is absolutely bonkers!!!

TBF I did/do but it’s never been her ‘job’ to care for me in that sense.

Have a conversation to let her know whatever you decide, say if it is one text per day.

I haven't voted because there's a third option

Ring her

tell her you need space and she is texting far to often

Also tell her you don't want her stuff.

She may get angry but so what?

Well I think you are being extremely patient and accommodating. I couldn't take it. It actually sounds to me as though she has a rather unhealthy obsession with you.

I find that phoning people usually stops the texting constantly

Oh god I’m not starting a phoning habit. She tends to talk at people rather than with them.

Why dont you tell her you are not going to be able to reply to texts during certain times as you have a project you need to do/need to concentrate on homeschooling/have to spring clean/whatever seems credible? So you dont have to tell her not to text but can break her from expecting to hear back from you immediately.

I am actually quite busy on a couple of days in the week doing work training stuff, so I think I’ll exaggerate that a bit.

We’ve been friends a very long time and i love her dearly, but I know being direct would hurt her and I don’t want to do that.

I was blunt about the contacting DH stuff by the way, I said I didn’t always get around to texting straight back and it doesn’t mean I’m unwell, if I was DH would let her know.

It’s all just ramped up again in lockdown. I usually work 48hr weeks so have an excuse not to reply!

Just don’t reply for a few days. Then when you do, don’t apologise, just say “oh been busy .... ‘yes no maybe so etc’” to whatever she’s asking.

Then repeat each time

Maybe you should take control of your own phone use.

You don't have to keep it turned on.
You don''t have to read every message.
You don't have to respond to every message.

Trust me, chickenlicken, the sky won't fall in.

I do sympathise. One of my friends feels the need to regularly message asking, ‘Plans for tonight??’ I feel like responding, ‘The same plans I have for every bloody night - watch TV, drink wine, feel guilty for drinking wine and then drink more wine to get rid of the guilt’!

YANBU. I have a reputation for not responding to chatty texts. It's incredibly freeing, people know it could be 2 days to 2 weeks for me to respond but they also know that if they take 2 weeks to respond to me then I don't bat an eyelid either.

I wouldn't respond to people who just moan at me.