AIBU to just want my kids to get along

[londondoc]

i have an older child who has left home. the two at home are in their teens and cant get along - havent since they were little (when they were really close). its constant shouting and arguments. i work, and get home to be hit with a barage of who did what, who said what, why arent i sorting it out etc. im so exhausted with it, and also really sad that they have such a poor relationship. id hoped as they got older things would improve. it will be more peaceful when they are back at school, but it doesnt change the underlying problems, which i just cant seem to help with.

Oh op

I can’t really help but I just want to come on and offer some sympathy.

My husband has a brother (3 year age gap) and they have no relationship at all. They never got on even as children and it just never changed.

The only time they see each other is at Christmas and they are visiting the parents at the same time, but it’s all very forced. Outside of that there is no contact at all, they don’t even send each other texts.

They don’t actively dislike or hate each other, they simply just don’t feel anything towards each other.

Sadly my MIL passed away a few years ago and it broke her heart to see her children having no relationship with each other. She found it so hard and upsetting.

I’m really sorry you are having to experience sibling difficulties like this, it must be really hard for you. I hope that things improve as time passes, there’s definitely time

Although it's difficult if they don't get along, unfortunately, it sounds like it's been that way since they were small so they are unlikely to change now.

How old are they? Is the elder one likely to go to Uni soon?

It's probably harder at the moment with lockdown -perhaps things will be slightly easier when they are back in school or college.

I didn't get on with my sister growing up. We were just too different. We are civil now but still not especially close.

I had one child deliberately because my relationship with my sibling was appalling growing up, and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. No idea what the answer is apart from keep them as separate as possible. I feel for you op, there is nothing logical about sibling hatred.

What are the arguments about? There must be a reason - people don’t blow their top about nothing, even teenagers.

there is nothing logical about sibling hatred

I don’t agree with this. All of my friends who had sibling issues did so for fairly specific reasons: theft, violence, rudeness, manipulation of parents etc.

The ones with good sibling relationships tended to have parents who dealt with their conflicts properly and respected their property and personal space and made sure neither was treated unfairly.

Hey op, honestly I absolutely did not get on with my sisters when we were growing up but when we all moved out and started living separately our relationship completely changed and now we are closer than ever.
Also i know you say the underlying issues will still be there when they’re back at school but constantly being around each other tests nearly all relationships I feel and things are bound to improve when normal life resumes.

there is nothing logical about sibling hatred

I don’t agree with this. All of my friends who had sibling issues did so for fairly specific reasons: theft, violence, rudeness, manipulation of parents etc.

I agree. In my husband’s case, he hated the way his younger brother treated their parents - according to my husband his younger brother was a “total twat” when he was a teenager and he treated their parents awfully and that’s what’s destroyed their relationship.

Although me and my husband have been together for 11 years I’ve probably only met his brother about fifteen times....and to be honest, he still comes across as a bit of a twat

My sister & I didn’t start getting on until I went to university & now we’re really close. I think we just needed to grow up & have some space.

thank you so much all for encouragement, and particularly for positive stories about getting on with siblings as adults when you didnt as kids. i still hold out hope - im so close to my brother, it makes me so sad that they dont have that wonderful relationship