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AIBU?

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Original poster

Me and ex DP separated but still living together

18 replies

Fluffymarshmallows · 03/03/2021 14:37

This is far from ideal, but me and my ex DP are still living together even though we’re separated.
We have a 2 year old son and we own our house. We have a joint mortgage and the house is 50/50, so it belongs to us both.
He doesn’t want to sell, he’s also quite happy to carry on living as we are. Our son is happy there and of course I want to cause him the least upset possible.
Neither of us can currently afford to rent somewhere else as well as pay the mortgage on our home and neither of us had enough money to buy the other out.
So we’re stuck in limbo.
We sleep in separate bedrooms , but we have to share a living space and bathroom.
I want to move on with my life, I’ve recently met someone online and we’ve become very close friends, but it may develop into more soon...I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffymarshmallows · 03/03/2021 14:37

We’re not married either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffymarshmallows · 03/03/2021 15:17

Anyone?

OP posts:
HilaryBriss · 03/03/2021 15:22

If neither of you can afford to buy the other out then I dont see that there is any option other than to sell.

BronnauMawrion · 03/03/2021 15:23

I'm not exactly in the same situation, but I would suggest sticking with the status quo but keep new man out of the house. Don't think it would be fair to your son to add that to the situation if everything is amicable now.

Is there enough equity in your property for you to sell and both get your own place?

Conkergame · 03/03/2021 15:26

You sell and both buy smaller properties

katy1213 · 03/03/2021 15:27

Is he clinging to a hope that you might get back together?
Maybe you need tell him straght - when lockdown is over, I'll be inviting my boyfriend over, hope you won't find that too awkward?

Smudge18 · 03/03/2021 15:52

OP, this was my situation last year. Neither of us could afford to rent so there was no other option other than to sell the house. My ExH was happy to continue living under the same roof which I could do short term but there's no way it could have been a long term solution. As much as you don't want to disrupt your DC, kids are far more resilient that we give them credit for. Flowers

Original poster
Fluffymarshmallows · 03/03/2021 15:56

@Smudge18 can I ask what you ended up doing?

OP posts:
Smudge18 · 03/03/2021 16:06

@Fluffymarshmallows If it had been left to him we would probably still be living together as friends now! I put my foot down and told him that the house had to be sold and organised to get the house on the market. Although he didn't want to sell he didn't try and stop it because deep down he knew that there was no alternative. Fortunately we had an offer within 24 hours of going on the market so he didn't have a chance to change his mind.

Original poster
Fluffymarshmallows · 03/03/2021 17:22

There’s another issue too, in that the house needs quite a lot of work doing to it, before it’s in a decent state for selling and we want to get as much as we can for it.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 03/03/2021 17:27

@Fluffymarshmallows

There’s another issue too, in that the house needs quite a lot of work doing to it, before it’s in a decent state for selling and we want to get as much as we can for it.
I'd say crack on with that work then, if you are both really determined to do that before selling.

If you are sure you have split up permanently then the only way forward is to work towards selling the house. I personally would want it on the market asap, regardless of what needs doing, as you will presumably need to invest a lot of money to get that work done.

Situations like this only tend to work where both parties are still single and neither is very interested in moving on. When one changes this things can turn nasty. I'd also argue that it's better to move into separate homes now when your son is so little rather than drag it out until he's more aware and then he has to deal with the emotional upheaval. If you start living separately now it will be all he remembers.

BrandoraPaithwaite · 03/03/2021 18:41

Home improvements are stressful enough when a relationship is going well, I would not embark on that kind of project in this situation. Someone will want the house as a project OP. Sell and move on.

NorahNorah · 28/03/2021 00:42

Do you get on? We're in a similar sit and partner is v hostile, animosity thru the roof.
Disagrees with most everything I ask the children to do. It's awful. I know this is your thread, but do you have any advice @Fluffymarshmallows? Or anyone?

Seafog · 28/03/2021 00:44

Make an agreement that you neither bring lovers to the house.
And sell asap

Singlenotsingle · 28/03/2021 00:48

We're in that position too except I'm the one who doesn't want to sell. We've got a nice big house with a small mortgage, and I'm out of the way most of the time. No dc and no hostility. So what's the hurry!

NotMyPremium · 28/03/2021 03:15

I was in that position although we agreed it would be temporary.

It was still hugely stressful and I hated it. I dated too and that was also stressful as I wasn't giving up DP after being miserable for so long but it was weird having to go out all the time then going home to my ex!

I was relieved when it was over and ex and I had an amicable split. Living together meant we did stop getting on for a while and increased the stress all round. Sell the house, it's not worth it.

caringcarer · 28/03/2021 03:50

I think you need to sell asap. Possibly do a quick paint job but if more leave it to new buyer. It will be easier on your child if you split up whilst he is still small.

abstractprojection · 28/03/2021 08:17

You need to start the process of selling as soon as possible. It has to happen and better to get the process started now when it’s bearable then later once it already isn’t

It’s up to him if he drags his feet over it, but not if it happens

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