Aibu to be going off friendship because she doesn't appreciate the help she gets

[mummymamameme]

Have a mum friend, both our sons are 8, born at same time. Have been friends since pregnancy and have been great support to each other over the years.

I have none, nada, zero support from family. No family of mine remaining and Dh family elderly and sick so can't help.

Recently this friends been grating on me...

She has 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter.

Her kids are both in nursery 7-7 (eldest Monday-Friday) and youngest is in 7-7 Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

Her mum takes the youngest for her Sunday 5pm until - Tuesday 6pm sometimes takes her straight to nursery Wednesday.

She's constantly trying to compare her parenting situation to mine... complains about her mums lack of interest in the kids and always saying she knackered, kids are hard work ect ect ect...

It's starting to piss me off... I don't think anyone else on the planets parent takes their child 2/3 nights every single week and the other week days they are in nursery 7-7...

It isn't even acknowledged or appreciated what her mum does for her... she's constantly saying how she wishes she was more interested in the kids ect. I don't know anyone else with as much help as that!

Am I being a bitch 🙈 I'm CONSTANTLY now biting my tongue... in my opinion what she's doing isn't real parenting.

Sons 4 not 8...

You're not being a bitch. My nan looked after me Thursday til Monday from the age of 5. It became permanent when my mum could no longer control her addictions.

I'm not saying your friend has these issues but it's likely she genuinely can't cope and is laying the blame on everybody else.

Find new friends!

I’d have bitten my tongue off when she was comparing your situations! Can you have a good chat to her where you explain all of this without getting angry before just ending a friendship? I am all for just fucking it off to be honest but it seems a shame if it’s in any way salvageable.

OP I would find it hard to put up with that shit and back off gently

YANBU

I’m getting to a point where I think there are some people in the world who are pathologically incapable of gratitude or happiness. (I recently told DH that someone would bitch about winning the lottery because she would have to share it with her husband)

Maybe she shouldn't be struggling with all that help. But do you think she is struggling? Some people find life really hard, even with help. I had a on-sleeper and it almost killed me. I didn't have any family support though.

Does she work?

I would 100% ditch a friend like that. So self centred and entitled.

Some people really don't know the struggle of having kids and no support. I've had to look after my 5yo and 8yo this week, 2 days of which I had a migraine. Even if we weren't in COVID I'd have no one who could come and pick them up while I recovered. And when people IRL or on MN come on to say "My MIL has the baby 2 days a week but she fed him puree after we strictly told her blended apple and elderflower only, what a bitch" I want to give them a fucking slap for being such ungrateful pricks.

I take it your friend is a single parent, whereas you're not?

OP, YANBU. She would do my head in too, with her whinging and part-time parenting. But my experience has shown me that it's often those who get the most help, who appreciate it the least.
It's like they've never been without the support, so have nothing to compare it to, and often completely take it for granted.
If your friend's mum a mug were to withdraw her support, then your friend would soon know all about it!
It's easy to feel a bit bitter, so I would work on your reaction towards your friend. Have it out with her, if you feel you can.
And remember that problems are all relative. There will be single parents of multiple children out there, who get zero help from anyone! They would think that life with one eight year old child - and a partner - would be pretty straightforward ...

Wouldn't bother me tbh.

She has her situation you have yours.

Sounds like you don't like her much tbh so probably call it a day on that basis.

I have parents who were shit. 5 mins up the road. Couldn't tell them I had pnd etc. Never helped. On the basis they got no help, it was my job.

Anyway. She has 2 you have 1? Very different.

She works FT? Do you?
I used to have to get the kids up to nursery early. Do you have to get up at 6 feed 2 kids do nappy, packed lunch? Get essentially two toddlers up ready and out to drop them by 7? Which is still dark in winter...

Sounds tough to me.
My friend's parents do loads. 2 week holiday a year without parents etc.

I'm happy for her.

Some people will never be happy or grateful no matter how much help they get. And in my experience its the ones who shout the loudest and therefore get the most help who actually need it the least.

Do people need to be grateful for friendship?

YANBU.

I am similar to you. No family locally. No help at all and my children wake multiple times a night.

I had two friends. One had her Mum nearby, cooking her dinner, taking her kids multiple days and nights and her children slept through from 6 months. When one started waking at night (aged 3) she complained to me and said "I think it's harder for me because I got used to sleeping through the night. You never had that problem" 🧐

The other, when she had her second child, had both her mum and a live in Nanny for the first 3 months. She was constantly complaining. She was also given a huge lump sum of money from her father which she spent on a luxury car. She then cried to me about choosing the wrong seat colour, knowing full well the tight budget I was on.

Needless to say, they have become "former friends".

Does she work? That would make a big difference to my answer...

Going against the grain but yes, I think YABU. It's none of your business and to say what she's doing is 'not real parenting' is just out and out cruel and completely unnecessary. Lots of people have to work and be away from their children for long hours; it doesn't make them any less of a parent. She obviously has a stressful life as far as she is concerned and you don't get to judge that just because you perceive your life to be harder without the help. You don't know what relationship or set up she has with her Mum so why are you judging her as a friend who is using you as a sound board to rant and rave about the way life is for her because that's what friends are for isn't it? To have someone who will listen without judgement?

She is BU to moan but you and other posters saying she's not "proper parenting" or "part time parenting" are bang out of order to be honest. Just because children go to nursery or to grandparents does NOT make you a "part time parent".

Yabu. "What she's doing isn't real parenting."

Just wow. You have 'no support'.. only your husband who lives with you and can take over or you can relax with and manage kids together when it's hard.

Seriously even if she's not working you don't seem to understand single parenting. There's no company, constant mental load, you can't even nip to the shops for milk without dragging two kids around with you. And of she's working she doesn't have much time does she, getting up to get 2 kids ready come rain or shine, picking them up at 7 then having to race through bedtime then probably just go straight to bed to do it all again. No downtime at all. Who is doing her housework? I think yabu for comparing. I would be depressed if I was her so she may be managing that on top. Chances are she does feel like her family aren't interested as I doubt she has tine to actually talk to them beyond handing over childcare (which I imagine they are doing because they know she is struggling) and so they probably don't see her/the kids much at the weekend.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It's also mean. Stop doing it and back away if it bothers you so much. Or accept that she's finding it hard and hope she is happier and easier for you to deal with when the kids start school.

In my opinion what she's doing isn't real parenting.

You are being so unreasonable for this.

Poor kids 7-7 at nursery must be shite.

Assuming she works full time? Do you? If not, then you can't compare as working full time with two children is hard.

So she has 3 kids; 8, 4 and 2 years old? And I'm guessing she works and is also a single parent? I'd say that sounds hard work. My mum used to have my son when I was working late and whilst I was grateful for it she complained constantly about it. I would moan to my friends how it was tough and I'm glad they didn't say what I was doing wasn't real parenting.

Something isn't right there, she sounds depressed.

What does she get from your friendship?
What do you get out of your friendship?

If both of you keep comparing notes, of course you're going to have a nasty taste in your mouth, just thinking about her stance in this situation. Because you're not in her position, are you?

Maybe she just needs someone to moan to? Maybe you don't understand her point of view? Is she actually struggling and could you help her out?

@sonnysunshine

Poor kids 7-7 at nursery must be shite.

Some people have to work.

So you’ve suggested that those of us who have DC in full time nursery aren’t actually parenting; highly offensive for all working parents. Would be interested to know what actually counts as parenting for you.
Is she working full time?
I think she’s being insensitive in terms of comparing the two of you but these things are all relative and if she’s struggling then it doesn’t make her feelings any less valid because she has more help than you. .