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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling fed up and considering packing up.

4 replies

Bug8 · 02/03/2021 18:41

There is so much I can't explain in detail here, but let me try to summarise.

My partner and I have been together for three years now and have a 10 month old son. We had an amazing relationship before baby (we had plenty of time for each other, did what we wanted and when we wanted). Slowly but surely since having our son, we have barely had quality time together even though we are together most times. He used to work as a product design consultant before we met but was made redundant. He always wanted to be his own boss and be there for the family so he went into window cleaning business which is still a work in progress. Getting customers isn't as easy as he thought but I keep telling him to be patient. The suggestions I make he doesn't like yet he continues to complain that we aren't getting enough clients. The Issue is we need money coming in fast to keep us afloat. I was contributing my maternity allowance but now that stopped. I wanted to go back to work but since I was a carer working for an agency, I don't have work at the moment, my agency said due to convid they have lost many clients and some care homes aren't booking agency workers. Some do but since I don't drive at the moment, I can't go far. Then I thought of ways I can get money to be able to help out with bills while we build the window cleaning business. I decided that I will work for myself by starting my own domestic cleaning business working by myself. Partner was supportive, however, of course, it's going to take some time to get clients but I am trying. I have only just decided to do this so still doing some research and setting up but today he told me I haven't done anything about that too. I did explain that I barely have free time to do much so if there's anything that needs doing, it may take a bit longer since I only get a few hours while baby is asleep.

I do everything around the house, I look after our son, we are 10 months in but baby still doesn't sleep well at night. He wakes up about 5/6 times a night. Since am still breastfeeding and little one had declined the bottle, I tend to let my partner sleep so he's well rested to concentrate on growing the window business. A few times I have been so exhausted and asked my partner for help but he told me that's my job & his is to work and fix anything in the house that needs fixing. I left that alone. Now issue is he complains that I don't care about the window cleaning business cos I don't help him out, even though I have helped here and there.

Then talk about intimacy, he complains that we aren't intimate enough, I had an emergency C-section, and to be honest, baby has kept me so busy and exhausted that most nights am not feeling like getting it on. Then he said it's like friends with benefits. To add insult to injury, once he said he doesn't remember not being intimate with ex- wife when they had their son (who is 13 now). He had mentioned that his ex had her mum come to stay with them for a year when she had the baby.

When we try talking, we never get anywhere cos he keeps interrupting and saying am pissing him off, that I don't get it......blah blah...... and so much more. Am I in the wrong? Feel like am trying my best but it's not good enough. I feel the pressure of being intimate that it turns me off. Do couples have to work together if one decides a family business is a way forward? Am I not allowed to do what I would love to do and he does the same but we support each other while at it? How can I manage myself better in order to have more time to do lots more cos I feel like I barely have free time. The little time I get, i run around cleaning and tidying the house, cook.......etc. By the time am done, I just want to rest and boy does that free time go so fast

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 02/03/2021 19:11

“I do everything around the house”
And... “A few times I have been so exhausted and asked my partner for help but he told me that's my job”

There’s your problem. You’re married to a sexist, unsupportive pig who thinks you are there to do all the donkey work. Of course he doesn’t mind you working to make money too although that’s “his job”. To top it off he compares sex with his ex to sex with you and then can’t understand why you don’t want to rip his clothes off.

You will get lots of advice on here but in truth, I believe men like this don’t change. He’s not going to suddenly wake up and respect you, support you and be a decent husband. Sorry op Flowers

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 02/03/2021 19:17

Looking after a 10 month old is a full time job. Other than when they are asleep you can't exactly leave them to it. So you get a couple of hours to yourself a day, are battling with exhaustion...but are also supposed to be helping him with his business, setting up your own business, doing your share and his share of the housework, and after all of this, be up for sex.
He is absolutely deluded. Both in what he thinks someone can physically manage in 24 hours, and that a man can't parent their own child in the night because he is a man and it's not his job. And that in thinking that if you boss your wife about enough, bitch and moan about her, compare your sex life to that you had with your ex, while refusing to pull your weight with chores and childcare, all this will suddenly make your wife want to shag you.

OlympicProcrastinator · 03/03/2021 17:47

Bumping this for you OP

Ileflottante · 03/03/2021 18:58

Is he older than you? And why don’t you drive ‘at the moment’?

I echo the PP that you’re married to a sexist unsupportive pig.

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