crying over non-issues

[HugeAckmansWife]

FFS - I'm mid 40s, professional job, mother to 2. I always, always choke up / tear up in certain types of situation that absolutely don't warrant it and it prevents me from being assertive because I feel like an idiot so just avoid it. Couple of examples:
Poor service in a shop, not getting a refund: Instead of calmly standing my ground, asking to see a manager etc, I instantly feel my throat close up and back off.

New (to me) car develops a fault. Told its not covered by warranty - again, tear up, can't argue or present my case.

Worst one was I backed out of a court situation with ex and let him have his own way at least in part because I absolutely knew this would happen.

These are not life and death; they are totally normal everyday issues and reasonable things to have a disagreement about. No-one is being rude or shouting. Why can't I do this? And what can I do to stop it? In my head I'm fine, having the needed discussion perfectly reasonably, but I'm even choking up writing this - WTF?

Not really an AIBU I know, but if it was it would be AIBU to get this reaction to things? Is it normal / common?

I’d say it is normal, and I think it’s hormonal.
I recently had a thing at work where I cried like a baby, I was so embarrassed.
Could you be peri menopausal ?

Possibly, but I have no other symptons and its always happened, so not a recent thing. I kept hoping I'd grow out of it but it hasn't happened yet.

This is absolutely me. I cannot have any confrontation because I cry. All the time. I have zero control of emotions and its so embarrassing. I have an ADHD diagnosis and assumed the needless crying was related. To make it worse, my eyes and nose go bright red and take hours to go back to normal so it's pretty bloody obvious.

Any perceived criticism, slight or someone just not being nice sets me off. I really worry about how I'll deal with things when something actually bad happens. Feel for you op!

@HoEmGee

This is absolutely me. I cannot have any confrontation because I cry. All the time. I have zero control of emotions and its so embarrassing. I have an ADHD diagnosis and assumed the needless crying was related. To make it worse, my eyes and nose go bright red and take hours to go back to normal so it's pretty bloody obvious.

Same!

glad its not just me - its a real issue though - I've not gone for promotions etc, or fought my corner, or that of my kids as well as a I should do because if I speak I'll cry.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

What? Sorry I've not heard of that one.

It's always always happened or can you vaguely pinpoint an age when it started?

Same here. I was overlooked for a promotion this week and planned a professional yet cutting speech to give in response. But I can't actually get the words out so I know when I have the meeting I will just end up saying "that's fine" in a tight voice. Very frustrating and I'm very assertive in areas that don't involve me personally....

Oof, it's so annoying. My body cries when I'm frustrated.

I've started just letting it happen and continuing to state my case. Obviously not something that was possible at the age of thirteen surrounded by thirteen-year-olds...

I did have to say very clearly "I am Not Upset" to the nice young man who was trying to help me with my karate

Oh my god this is me. Everything that you all have said. I am so unassertive as a result. And I'm 60 now so no chance of getting better as I get older! Previously I paid a fortune for several hypnosis sessions (useless). I have depression and anxiety and have been on various anti-depressants over the years but they didn't help this particular problem.

The worst thing about it is that I never seem to be able to assert myself with my DH. I do love him dearly but occasionally he'll say something hurtful and I can't articulate why I'm hurt without turning into a sobbing squeaking mess!

If anyone has found a solution I'd love to know it.

I don't think it's that unusual, and I do think for many people it can be linked to the menstrual cycle.

Sometimes by practicing you can improve your chances of not crying.

There's nothing wrong with crying and backing down in these situations. I mean that it's understandable. Not that it's not shit that you aren't standing up for yourself when you need to. That is shit.

I say this as a total non cryer. Didn't mean I never backed down in a different way.

Actually. I tell a lie. Tears of frustration I used to get. When I was in a situation where I knew I was right but felt bullied, demeaned, powerless.

Oh I just remembered!
I took some heels to the shop to get them reheeled.
When I went back the bloke said. I couldn't get the old heel tip out. So I've stuck one on the the side. That's the best I can do. £6.95 please.

I was young. He was a big man who was emanating don't argue vibes.

I paid him and went out and chucked them in the bin. And could have cried but instead felt angry with myself.

The court thing. The car thing. It's hard. It's normal.

Try reading a load of feminist books and that will help you understand why. It's how we are socialised etc. And of course many men walk away as well and kick themselves after.

I am old and arsey now.

I hate to say it but do you have any support on this? I don't. But I know many people have a more outspoken mum, dad, brother, grown up child even. Or an arsey friend? That they take along.

But the main point is. It's ok and it's normal. But its crappy for you.

You have a good great job and and 2 lovely kids. You are doing great.

Also not being funny but in certain circs. Like the bloke in the shoe shop. I knew subconsciously that arguing with him would not be a good idea. There's that as well.

Sorry that was rambling don't be too hard on yourself.

Tisgrand

I would say tell him once the tears have passed

Or. Sounds a bit mad. He knows presumably that you tend to cry and then can't get your words out. Tell him you'll write it down.

Is that weird?

It's usually tears of frustration.

And a toxic thing where girls learn to cry and boys learn to be aggressive when they feel stuck. Emotional.

i used to do this and then found out I had a mental illness. I never do it now I'm on medication.

I'm a bit like this OP, I get teary when I'm angry or frustrated. I'll still stand my ground though, as hard as it is I figure it's better for them to see me upset than see me as feeble

I have a keepsake from my Gran that I take if I know I'm at risk of choking up. The problem is if you're blindsided by something. Some really silly things can set me off. There are quite a number of tricks to stop you crying. I find taking a very deep breath and holding it while looking up and tensing my muscles often works. Poor service in shop,dispute with garage- you don't always have to keep talking or enter into an argument. Let the other person keep talking - and they usually will- that gives you time to recollect and often enough the other person may backtrack at least a bit.

OP it's common and normal.

If you're holding down a professional job and raising two kids you're doing great.

It could be that certain situations ping off something that happened when you were young.

It's a normal especially female response to feeling frustrated and powerless.

Thanks all. Some interesting responses here. I can't remembera time when it didn't happen. I always absolutely hated being told to shh in school even. It's just so limiting and there are definitely times I feel I have lost out. I CAN do it on behalf of others though. A friend of mine had a wedfing dress fiasco and I was perfectly able to front up to that situation on her behalf.

I used to be like this, not quite as bad but I really struggled to assert myself for tears and the closed up throat. In my case, a lot of it was honestly repressed anger. I really struggled to get angry on my own behalf and it would get transmuted into tears. I went through some trauma and had to learn to assert my boundaries and it was painful and difficult, but also hugely validating and the crying stopped. I don't cry in frustration any more.

So this may or may not be of any use to you, but if you recognise anything I've said, therapy might help.