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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My in-laws do not use health-and-safety with my baby

20 replies

Roberta2020 · 02/03/2021 11:07

Hello, I just need to know whether I am being unreasonable.

I have a huge problem with my in-laws. I love them very much and they have always treated me as a daughter to them, but they have no concept of health-and-safety, and after a weekend when ALL WRONG THINGS happened whilst with them, I am not sure I want them to be left alone with my child (7 months old). These included:

  • trying to feed him porridge which had little bits of nutshell in it
  • running with him on their back (neck was tilting AF)
  • climbing fences with him in their arms
  • letting him play in soaked clothes in a freezing room

My husband refuses to make a 'united front' with me (who came up with that anyway, and has there ever been a husband complying?).

Am I being unreasonable in not wanting them to be left alone with the child? Again, they are lovely people and grandparents, and great fun for him, but I had several small heart attacks recently due to them.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 11:10

who came up with that anyway, and has there ever been a husband complying?

Complying? Hmm damn these disobedient husbands!

Just supervise your child when he is with your in laws.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 02/03/2021 11:15

Trust your instincts. If you're not happy with them having LO on their own then just arrange to be there at the same time.

I didn't leave my kids with anyone other than me or their dad for 18 months, and then it was only going out in the evening when they were fast asleep. Do what you feel comfortable with.

hulahoopqueen · 02/03/2021 12:02

YANBU to not want them having him unsupervised if you are not comfortable with it. He's your child, end of

BakedTattie · 02/03/2021 12:04

Maybe they didn’t realise you had health and safety conditions? Get them to sign something next time.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 02/03/2021 12:07

Don’t let them take care of your baby, at all. They sound like total bozos and they could really harm him.

I will never understand how a parent (in my experience it’s usually a father, don’t know why) who can put their own family’s feelings above the safety and well-being of the children they’ve helped to create. Your husband should be able to say to his parents, or anyone really, that he isn’t happy when it comes to the welfare of his baby.

SeasonFinale · 02/03/2021 12:08

Yes there are husbands who would present a united front to stand up to parents that were endangering his child.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2021 12:10

Was it water play? How high were the fences and how strong is the person carrying him?

I've done all of that with my own and other people's children. You need to express your concerns directly to them.

AmyandPhilipfan · 02/03/2021 12:24

Why do they need to have him alone? My child’s coming up to 4 and has never been left alone with my husbands parents just because there’s no need. If we visit (which we sadly haven’t since last summer) then we visit as a family. Did you want them to provide childcare if/when you go back to work? If so it sounds like you’d be more comfortable using a childminder or nursery.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/03/2021 12:28

If you're not happy with the childcare they are providing, sort something else out.

Babyboomtastic · 02/03/2021 12:30

  1. What do you mean it had nutshell in it? Do you mean nutmeg? Or bits of ground up nuts? Either are fine. It's just whole nuts they aren't allowed.

  2. running with him on their back - I'm assuming this was in a sling? What led to the running? This is odd.

  3. climbing fences with him I'm their arms. If they needed to cross a fence, what else were they going to do, lol. Assuming you mean a fairly.low fence not scaling a 12ft wire fence or something...

  4. babies play with water, it's fun and a good sensory experience. You just need to keep an eye on when they get too cold. If they weren't paying attention to this, then they should have been, but all babies get wet sometimes and you figure out how long you give it before changing them as they'll only get wet again.

Countrysidebloos · 02/03/2021 12:30

who came up with that anyway, and has there ever been a husband complying?

Yes, my husband very much puts on a united front with me. And he would bring this up with his parents because it sounds dangerous.

Are you there when they have him? What do you say at the time? I certainly wouldn't let them have sole care until he's much older.

Original poster
Roberta2020 · 02/03/2021 12:39

@Babyboomtastic

1) What do you mean it had nutshell in it? Do you mean nutmeg? Or bits of ground up nuts? Either are fine. It's just whole nuts they aren't allowed.

  1. running with him on their back - I'm assuming this was in a sling? What led to the running? This is odd.

  2. climbing fences with him I'm their arms. If they needed to cross a fence, what else were they going to do, lol. Assuming you mean a fairly.low fence not scaling a 12ft wire fence or something...

  3. babies play with water, it's fun and a good sensory experience. You just need to keep an eye on when they get too cold. If they weren't paying attention to this, then they should have been, but all babies get wet sometimes and you figure out how long you give it before changing them as they'll only get wet again.

  • ground shells of a nut. ended up in there by mistake apparently.

  • no sling. child sitting on their shoulders.

  • 1.5m fence between fields

  • I love water play. but the child was shivering.

    • OP posts:
    luxxlisbon · 02/03/2021 12:39

    - letting him play in soaked clothes in a freezing room

    Is this really the grandparents if you were there?

    These don't all sound like automatic things everyone agrees on, porridge with small pieces of nuts is fine, playing with water is fine etc.

    Original poster
    Roberta2020 · 02/03/2021 12:45

    You all made excellent points. thank you. I really want my child to be with his grandparents but also need to find a way to be comfortable with it. I suppose I will have to just be clearer with them about what I am comfortable with and what I am not - ultimately, as somebody here pointed out, the health and safety of the child is my responsibility, not theirs. Their own child grew up fine so they can't be that irresponsible, we just have different parametres. THANK YOU ALL :)

    OP posts:
    LoudestCat14 · 02/03/2021 12:47

    So you witnessed all this happening? Did you intervene and take your baby off them and explain your concerns? Did they react?

    FelicityPike · 02/03/2021 12:51

    If you were there to witness all this then this is on YOU!

    Original poster
    Roberta2020 · 02/03/2021 12:54

    @LoudestCat14

    So you witnessed all this happening? Did you intervene and take your baby off them and explain your concerns? Did they react?
    Yes, I know... it's my fault for being so incompetent at expressing myself. I was raised to be super-respectful of in-laws and so it's so bloody difficult for me to just say STOP DOING THAT IT WORRIES ME.
    OP posts:
    Snowymcsnowsony · 02/03/2021 12:59

    My ils looked after dc at our house if requested (Dr's /hospital appointments that's sort of thing). Could have taken dc but they offered... Their house had open upstairs windows /medicines /cleaning products all in reach... Protests of oh dc would never go near wasn't cutting it with me...
    Older dc were on hand for ils at home anyway...
    Mil had some frankly batshit ideas.. Think no male infants naked or they would get sexual feelings for example.... Rocking pram the entire nap time - quickly nipped that... And my pet hate was letting baby suck keys.

    Fucking grim...

    pennylane83 · 02/03/2021 13:07

    I will never understand how a parent (in my experience it’s usually a father, don’t know why) who can put their own family’s feelings above the safety and well-being of the children they’ve helped to create. Your husband should be able to say to his parents, or anyone really, that he isn’t happy when it comes to the welfare of his baby

    Well given that they chose him to be their life partner and have children with that means that, despite the percieved inadequacies from the mother's point of view in the way the in-laws parent/look after children, he clearly still managed to grow and be nurtured into a well rounded individual who looks back on his childhood with fondness...

    Original poster
    Roberta2020 · 02/03/2021 13:09

    @pennylane83

    I will never understand how a parent (in my experience it’s usually a father, don’t know why) who can put their own family’s feelings above the safety and well-being of the children they’ve helped to create. Your husband should be able to say to his parents, or anyone really, that he isn’t happy when it comes to the welfare of his baby

    Well given that they chose him to be their life partner and have children with that means that, despite the percieved inadequacies from the mother's point of view in the way the in-laws parent/look after children, he clearly still managed to grow and be nurtured into a well rounded individual who looks back on his childhood with fondness...

    that's true... he actually had a great childhood, which is probably why he thinks I am a bit paranoid.
    OP posts:
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