To feel like no one cares because I don’t want to kill myself?

[LolaNova]

I’m having a hard time with my mental health. I have a four month old baby and a toddler. I’ve always had a hard time with my mental health but most of the time I just about cope, and then I have periods where I need a bit more support and get given some medication and referred for some CBT. Nothing actually changes. I just go back to being just below the threshold for proper support or intervention. I’m 99% sure I have undiagnosed ASD by my GP has no interest in investigating this. I’ve just spoken to her after filling in an eConsult over a week ago, and I feel so flat. She’s upped my medication and said she can refer me to the perinatal mental health team but I just feel like I’m getting nowhere. It’s not depression! She didn’t even give me an opportunity to voice my actual concerns, basically just asked me if I was at risk of imminent harm. I know they’re busy, I really do!

I had a list of things I wanted to highlight but because I’m so shot at expressing myself verbally, and I wasn’t invited to talk about them, I feel like I completely wasted the phone consultation.

Intelligent but never reached potential
Poor short term memory
Good longer term memory
Difficulty completing education
Lots of difficulty with mental health at university and no real improvement despite support
Poor executive functioning skills
Sensory issues - seams/labels/tight clothing, extremely sensitive to touch, can become overwhelmed by touch, hot/cold sensitivity
Auditory processing issues - struggle in loud environments, rely on lip reading more than I realised! Very sensitive to noise. Also can’t hear if focussed on other things. Irritated by low volume.
Eye contact - can’t listen AND make eye contact. Find eye contact extremely uncomfortable.

Social exhaustion
Emotional hangovers
Intense emotions - angry outbursts, severe episodes of depression, self harm
Very sensitive to ‘atmosphere’
Cannot handle conflict. Would rather burn bridges than discuss.
Very promiscuous in youth and then became ‘obsessed’ with one person (husband)
Unable to organise thoughts/feelings/emotions in a way that can be expressed verbally. Rely heavily on written communication to express myself.
Hate phone calls and video calls.
Clear throat compulsively.
Loud. Appear confident if presenting or leading. Happy to ‘demonstrate’ in group situations but get lost in a group of working as a team. Prefer to work solo.
?dyspraxia. Very clumsy. Struggle with things like suturing, threading notes onto treasury tags, filing etc. Despite lots of practise.
Overanalyse social situations. Always come away feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Replay little details over and over again.
Can only really socialise if drinking.
Inappropriately loud without realising.
Tap with fingers, bounce leg, tuck hair behind ears, waggle fingers compulsively
Can appear very selfish and self absorbed
Tendency to overshare
Hate small talk
Find it very difficult to make or maintain friendships
Bullied at school. Preferred to stand out and be ‘individual’ than conform to make friends. Friends I did have were mostly similarly ‘odd’
Strong sense of right/wrong/justice/fairness
Easily frustrated when people can’t understand my train of thought

I just feel so flat now. I’ve been waiting for this phone call and thought I’d taken a huge step forward by stating that I was concerned about ASD and it wasn’t even mentioned.

Have you considered (if you can afford it) getting a private ASD assessment? They're not cheap, but if you got a diagnosis that way you'd be able to start the process of reframing your symptoms and your life with it in mind.

I got an adult ADHD diagnosis via the NHS (after a very snotty crying conversation with my doctor, who finally agreed to refer me after I took a 7 page document with examples of each symptom and how they'd affected my life) but I was saving to go private beforehand because even though I was fairly convinced there was some level of neurodiversity going on, I needed to know for my own peace of mind.

If not: ask for an appointment with a different GP (depending on the econsulting software you can select which doctor you want - you can on AskMyGP which my surgery uses, anyway, or phone them and ask specifically for someone else).

If your surgery has a website, sometimes it lists doctors' areas of interest - finding one who works with ASD or in related areas might help.

Put all your symptoms and examples of how they affect you down in a word document and ask if you can email it to the GP prior to your appointment.

Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself and say: I am experiencing symptoms that have been lifelong and in some cases debilitating/have a significant effect. I am asking you to refer me so I can be assessed. If they say no, ask why - don't be fobbed off with 'we're upping your medication', tell them that's been done and it hasn't helped (if that's the case).

Good luck - it's an absolute minefield out there and so much of it depends on getting a sympathetic GP who's willing to listen to your concerns instead of sulking that you've dared to suggest something yourself.

I’m really sorry you’ve not been listened to. Getting an autism assessment can be so bloody hard, especially as a woman. Although my dad also asked and was told he was too old to make it worthwhile

Can you ask a local Facebook group? Or join some national ones and then say what area you are from? Provisions seem to vary by county.

I just read on another thread that the Autism Act means that you are legally entitled to an assessment. But I’m not sure how that all works in practice (it was luck in the end that got me referred to the right place, after initially being seen by a psychiatrist who just read ten year old hospital notes for most of the hour ).

Private is definitely an option - I think psychiatry U.K. (who are very popular and well regarded for ADHD assessments) do autism assessments too. My own therapist (an ex NHS psychologist who worked with autistic adults) does assessments and reports as part of her practice too, which could be an option over zoom, it took a good few sessions for my friends who had assessments with her, so it does add up.

On the mumsnetters with SN board there is a neurodiversity support thread if you want to join us :)

Sorry to hear you're having such a struggle. Do you have another GO in your practice you can speak to? Normally you ask them to make a referral but you can also contact the National Autistic Society if you're struggling to get a diagnosis.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/getting-diagnosed/how-to-get-diagnosed/

I've attached the link to the NHS website. Hope this helps and good luck x