To expect a bit more consideration

[sessell]

I had a big health scare a few days ago. Suspected mini stroke. Spent the day in A&E having tests - the NHS is amazing. I've to return for an MRI. It's a shock as I'm much too young for this and in reasonably good shape. I've downplayed it as I don't want to scare my young adult DCs. However after a few hours, maybe a day, of support and sympathy my DD has become horribly argumentative. She's stressed about college work and applications. I can do nothing right. It would be horrible at the best of times, but in the circumstances I feel myself getting stressed by her behaviour. I've had to shut myself in my room for peace. I should say she's usually a lovely young woman and we get on well. I'm just so disappointed and sad that she can't be more considerate. I don't want or need arguments or stress, especially not now. Is it normal for a young person to be this thoughtless when their parent has a health issue? How can I get over to her my needs without making her defensive/ aggressive?

I'm so sorry,I hope you're feeling a bit better now regardless.

I've experienced this lately too,currently awaiting ultrasound and biopsy for lump in breast and in really haven't been given a break. The first day i was offered lots of cups of tea but now I'm being told all about others worries and stresses and getting snapped at.

It's a terribly sad feeling to have. You are obviously a very empathetic person who I'm sure goes above and beyond to care for their loved ones when they feel unwell..it can feel so unfair to not get that back.
This does not reflect on you though, some people cannot put their own stresses aside to really focus on another person. Sadly many are becoming like this in the world. Such a detachment from real life people and not wanting to do anything longer than a few hours without incentive.

I really hope your daughter comes to her senses.

Oh I have just thought...perhaps she is very worried and like you,doesn't want to let the other know. Could her worry be coming out in frustration?
My partner has been snapping at me because hes so stressed he thinks I will have bad results next week.. It shouldn't make sense..but it does sort of. Anyway that was just a guess.
I'm sorry you're having a shit time op

Is it normal for a young person to be this thoughtless when their parent has a health issue? Sadly this happens.....I watched my best friend (single mum)battle cancer whilst her two young adult sons wouldn't even work or contribute to help keep them afloat. Its was extremely embarrassing for her...but she kept talking them up saying they got her through the cancer. Felt so bad for her, they still dont care. She is well again now but they really didn't bat an eyelid through the surgery or chemo.
She is just a machine. There to meet their needs I think her sickness was more of a bother to them.

That last bit wasn't very comforting I know but I wanted to be honest.

Can’t comment on whether it’s normal or not but it’s definitely not unreasonable to want a bit of care from your own family when you’re unwell. Sending lots of good wishes for a speedy recovery x

Hi @notime thanks for replying. Sorry you're going through a similarly bad time. And hope you get good news. Your reply helps. I wondered if it could be a sort of worry projected. That or thoughtlessness because she's immature. At times like this I want to be looked after, not the adult, but I am the adult! ( she's only 18). DP died a few years ago so there is added anxiety for DC.

Thanks @sunflowers :).

@notime I'm glad your friend has survived. Sounds like an amazing woman. And yes honesty is best. I don't think my DD is anyway near that league so strangely that awful story makes me feel a bit better. I do think it may just be too much for her to cope with though.

I wondered reading through if your dd's reaction was anxiety, poorly expressed. Possibly even anger.
Because she is pretty young, with a brain that doesn't fully form until about 25.
She if she gets scared getting angry at source of the fear isn't that surprising.
Being scared and angry that harm might come to you and not having the words or maturity to process it in a non confrontational way.

I'm sorry you are going through this and yes you deserve heaps of sympathy and positive attention. However as PP has mentioned I does sound like your daughter is worried and stressed about your health. Maybe her agitation towards you is actually an unfortunate backtofront way of being angry about your diagnosis. Maybe a calm heart to heart would be a good way of both of you to come to terms and express your emotions. You will obviously need to pick your moment however it maybe best to leave her a day or 2 so she can process the information. You have my sympathies as you must all be very worried 💐

I know it's only been a few days but, do you talk to her about things other than your health? My mum complains to me about her illness every single day. There is nothing I can do to help her get better so I feel useless and either get upset or snappy. It can be frustrating and upsetting that there is a risk your parent may be seriously unwell or even die and you are constantly told about it. She is young too, at 18 I was only thinking of college, work and boys - very self-absorbed.
I'm not saying you don't deserve sympathy or being looked after for a bit because you do but she is probably just scared and maybe doesn't want to acknowledge how ill you are.

I actually think it is normal. You're her mum and to her it's probably just impossible that there could be something seriously wrong. You've also downplayed it so she doesn't know how much this is worrying you. From her point of view, mum was sick, went to A&E, didn't get admitted and has to have another test - nothing major. She can't possibly understand how terrifying this is for you unless you tell her (and she's probably too young to understand even then). As others have said, her reaction might be because she is worried or her reaction might be because she is stressed about other things and has taken what you've said at face value. Your only real option is to sit down with her and explain what's really going on. Personally, I'd wait until I actually had had the MRI as you don't know yourself how serious it is yet.

You mention college work and applications - do you mean she's 16/17 when you say young adult? What are you looking for her to do in terms of support? I know you're going through a hard time at the moment, but I think you need to look elsewhere for support. You're worried and scared and that's completely understandable but this isn't something you should be placing on your child.

This all sounds horrible and I am sorry you're going through this.

If this is genuinely out of character for her, then her fear could be manifesting itself as meanness, which is understandable considering she’s already lost a parent.

Just saw the comment about your DP. I'm sorry - this probably is her not knowing how to cope then.

I don’t think this is normal. Children are human beings, they can feel empathy even if stressed?!? I would never be this way with my mum, I find it quite odd and selfish.

@party @norm I wish I hadn't told them at all now, but kind of had to as they were there. I never have gone on about my health, I just don't want arguments at all. Thanks for taking the time to talk to talk.

I’m with @lunarlife on this one: anxiety expressed as anger. It’s very scary for a DD to realise her DM is not invincible. Try to have a quiet word with her and calmly ask what has caused her uncharacteristic behaviour, while reassuring her that you’re still here for her. 💐💐💐