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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I Being Abused

18 replies

itsasin77 · 01/03/2021 20:44

Namechanged.

I’m not sure if this is just me, accepting this repetitive behaviour as normal, it happens every other wknd. Or is this just usual mardy men attitude?

Do you ever get told to just “fuck off, I don’t give a fuck about you” by your DH? shouted down at?

This is my new normal, it’s so repetitive, I take it as normal. Because after a couple of hours of me then crying and walking away after being shouted at, DH becomes all lovely dovey. Apologises for swearing at me, loves me so much, is so stressed, can’t help it.

But I’m fed up of being a verbal punch bag. I’m such a placid human being, hate swearing and seem to just take it.

My last H used to physically attack me as well as verbally and so swore so would
Never go through the same again. Yet here I am but without the physical aspect,

I was brought up in the most idyllic childhood you could ever wish for. With a family who adored me. To this day we are still close, as well as my siblings. So not sure why I accept this.

Nobody knows what life is like for me behind close doors. To everyone we have an amazing life and our children have all they need. They do not hear any of what goes on (thankfully).

I cannot leave as stupid me is totally financially dependant on him.

Just want to know if anyone else is in this same boat, feeling completely deflated today after another verbally absolve weekend :-((.

OP posts:
itsasin77 · 01/03/2021 20:44

Sorry meant to say verbally abusive weekend.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/03/2021 20:49

You say you're close to your family. Would they not be able to provide somewhere to stay while you worked things out? If it is happening this often it doesn't sound like a loving and respectful relationship and you don't sound happy.

ohwaitthatwasme · 01/03/2021 20:49

I cannot leave as stupid me is totally financially dependant on him.

Another flaky 'is he abusive' post when quite obviously he is a cunt, followed by the 'can't leave him' crap Hmm

You know he is abusive and you can leave.

mineofuselessinformation · 01/03/2021 20:49

You already know the answer.
The question is, what are you going to do?
No-one deserves to live like that.

Wearywithteens · 01/03/2021 20:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 01/03/2021 20:58

I am so sorry. He is an abuser. You can and should leave. Explore your options and tell your options. Take care OP, Remember you only have one life. Is this how you wish to spend it?

Are there children in the house? I pray there aren’t.

itsasin77 · 01/03/2021 21:01

My lovely family live an hour away and my children are of school age, so unfortunately cannot see a way out of this at the moment, as much as I wish I could.

I wish I wasn’t such a “nice” person to put up with this and take it like it’s normal.
I never start any arguments, all I want is an easy life. So not know what I did to deserve such treatment.

OP posts:
itsasin77 · 01/03/2021 21:02

I have 3 children. Teenagers.

OP posts:
itsasin77 · 01/03/2021 21:02

Why do so many Men feel they can treat the people they are meant to love in such a way?!

OP posts:
Sgjudxbyef · 01/03/2021 21:04

What have you looked at financially? What are the specific obstacles you haven't yet worked out how to pass?

Sgjudxbyef · 01/03/2021 21:06

They do not hear any of what goes on (thankfully).

Oh, are they in soundproof booths when he's shouting at you and you're crying?

Changedname476 · 01/03/2021 21:07

Get your phone and record him secretly in your pocket. You might be shocked when you hear it back.

Play it to your parents and talk to someone in one of the domestic abuse local charities - your local authority will have details and links on their website- to get advice and support. Verbally abusing and putting someone down is a control thing, and he's in a circle of that and then the lovey stage, which feels confusing.

You are living in a guided cage so unless you want to live treading on eggshells for endless years, you'll have to give up that financial security and maybe move back home to your lovely family. You're
young and can start again, it's never too late to start again.

itsasin77 · 01/03/2021 21:09

I wish I was young. I’m 43 with no qualifications to my name apart from GCSEs.
Feel way past being able to start all over.

OP posts:
Changedname476 · 01/03/2021 21:09

Oh you have children. Teenagers. You need to consider whether you self report to children services . At least get some advice

It sounds harsh but if your children are hearing any of this, they are being damaged emotionally, hearing him being verbally abusive to you and it's teaching them oh so many wrong things about relationships, respect and they will have bad boundaries. They might also learn to speak to you in that way, then you will lose far more than money and so will they.

momtoboys · 01/03/2021 21:19

I have been married for 23 years and that has never happened once.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/03/2021 21:21

Right, you’re married. That’s good.

So what you do, is you take him to court. You apply for divorce and the financial settlement on separate forms. Depending on how far into teens your kids are you might also seek an order re where they stay, but probably not as they are old enough to decide.

You just do this. He will get cross but you have to get past that.

Changedname476 · 01/03/2021 21:22

@itsasin77

I wish I was young. I’m 43 with no qualifications to my name apart from GCSEs. Feel way past being able to start all over.
43 isn't too old , you're still youngish. Please get some advice from a Domestic abuse charity , speak to someone and they will help you think it through
sweetnessnfight · 01/03/2021 21:22

Yes you are being abused, as you are married you will be entitled to half. How would the kids cope? Can you stay with family for a week to destress, he might realise you're telling people about his behaviour and be shamed into changing.

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