To be upset at myself for putting kids in childcare?

[Alice818]

Two DDs, aged 4 and 1.5 years old. I've been home with them since my maternity leave started with DD2 in late summer 2019, and I handed in my permanent resignation to stay home and look after them some months ago when schools & nurseries closed.
But things are looking up now, and I know I'm starting to feel ready to go back to work. And they're ready for a new environment and to socialise and spend time with someone other than me. But every time I send in my CV for a job application, my heart just absolutely sinks and I hope they don't call me for interview. And I get so anxious and upset at the thought of all the changes. But if I don't do anything about my work situation, then I'll have been out of the job market for 2 years soon, and I know for me, it'll be hard to get back in. Why, WHY so much guilt? It's awful!

Can you say anymore about what, specifically, you feel guilty or anxious about? Are you judging yourself or do you feel others will judge you? Was your first DC in childcare before you had the second?

My DD1 didn't go into nursery full time, she had her grandparents minding her a 3 days a week and then the nursery the other 2 days. So maybe it was more comforting for me. But that won't be the case this time and I'm finding it so hard to accept that anyone can look after them like I can. Even though some days it can be so overwhelming staying at home that I want to run out the door and not come back!!!
But for the most part it's just gut wrenching guilt, like I'm abandoning them.

Are you looking at nurseries or CM? I preferred a CM as it was a more "family" setting and when they were school aged it was a smooth transition with an afterschool place to be that was different than just the after school club. The downside is if she is ill or has an emergency or something your childcare is screwed.
In terms of the guilt, please don't. If you choose well, they will have a lovely time with far more positive interaction and activities that you would likely do as a SAHM (well that was trye for me anyway). My CM was fab and did loads of crafts and projects with them all the time.

Will you feel the same when they go to school? No different.

I wouldn’t feel guilty about using childcare to work. Very different from using it when no need to. Children need financially supporting and you’ll be showing them a working role model and the reasons behind needing an education etc.

I was out of the work place for 5 years and didn't struggle to get a job after being at home with kids. Granted that's not everyone's experience but don't be forced into it for fear of the unknown. It's not a given that your career is fucked if you take a break til the youngest is a bit older for example.