to ask how to cope with the end of a friendship

[crochetmonkey74]

It's a long and hurtful story, I have a good friend of 12 years- over the last 3/4 years she has struggled with mental health- which I have really supported her with. She's been diagnosed and medicated to some success- but it's a long process. I have never begrudged helping her despite her showing anger towards me etc.
About 8 weeks ago, my long term relationship ended - leaving me really heartbroken and she has been useless at keeping in touch, asking how it is going etc. She has at the same time, told me when I have seen her about other friends she has been having daily phone calls with, or gifts she has sent them etc. It's been immeasurably painful- but as I have considered it, I have realised how she hasn't in fact seemed to like me or value me as a friend for a while- she works with me, and we live fairly close to each other- how do I practically cope with it changing/ phasing out/ ending?

Oh it’s so hard isn’t it? Losing a friend is very weird, it’s very different to losing a partner or a family member yet there’s still a feeling of grief. There certainly was for me and it’s been nearly 5 years now. I can only tell you about my experience as it sounds quite similar to yours so sorry if I sound brutal. It sounds as though she didn’t value your friendship as highly as you valued hers. It’s a hard fact to hear and it took me a while to realise it and for a while I felt foolish and wondered why I hadn’t seen any signs but you have to find a way to let it go. She’s not worth your time. Gradually try and focus on other friends. It may end up being someone who you don’t see often now but you could be better friends or it could be someone new. You’ll feel better in the end 😊

Bigpaperbag it is hard, I think she thinks she's a better friend than she is- she can say all the right things ' let me know if I can do anything' but she can't actually follow through and do the hard work of really being there.

That’s what my ex-friend was like towards the end. Sometimes you just have to realise that some friendships have a time limit. It doesn’t mean that you can’t look back fondly on times that you shared but now is the time to look forward

Yeah I get you on this I was over supporting of a friend who had many things going on in her life but when the roles reversed she was nowhere, that was 8 years ago I went NC and have never looked back, to be honest it's only when I fully went NC in realised how much I was basically and emotional punch bag for her and our friendship was a lot more one sided than I first thought. It can be tough at first but honestly it makes room for better people to surround yourself with.

I also have recently ended friendship, she bowed out when I was having problems after many years of me supporting her. Its made me realise she a user and very self absorbed.

3baby I think that is where I am- I have over supported her- but she hasn't been able to cope with me needing her. I have come to realise as I think back over the last 3/4 years that actually, it has been more one sided than I maybe thought. It hasn't been that I have been oblivious, and she has wanted out, I think it's more that she's unable to be a good friend anymore- and neither of us had realised.

Crochet
That's the absolute feeling, it is where did the friend I knew go then it clicks people change and sometimes just no longer relate to each other, it's fine but it's when it drawn out thats when things can end bitterly, feels like you wasted time at first and some unanswered questions but eventually you no longer care as your own life is so busy and full you just forget to be honest.

Ahh I'm sorry OP.

I think it's actually useful to look at it how you would a relationship breakup - we have the expectation that friends will stay friends for life, with the associated support and effort that comes with that.

Sometimes for whatever reason, two people are no longer compatible as friends. Like a romatic relationship, it might be amicable and a drifting apart, but it also might be that one party is no longer doing the work to be part of that relationship and that it's healthier for the other person not be in it anymore.

Grieve it in the same way but also be able to look back eventually in the same way and see that these things don't last forever and that sometimes you're better off for it ending.

therocinante
That was really put well- I think for us, it will be a kind of 'recategorizing' of our friendship - she has always considered herself , and I considered her to be in the inner circle the best friend but actually it could be helpful to consider her in the next ring, a friendly colleague/ acquaintance