Passive aggressive mum

[Citycat1]

My mum has a habit of being passive aggressive and slightly controlling. We are close but I can't go to her for emotional support as she can't handle it. She'll shut the conversation down straight down if includes me being remotely upset. She looks after my dd1 and will soon look after my dd 2 when I return to work. So I am very grateful to her and she's wonderful with my children. She's not crazy controlling just doesn't know how to say what she's feeling or if something is wrong.

She's been snappy and sarcastic the past few weeks and trying to control things in the guies of 'helping me' eg saying Would you like me to help you clean downstairs?

Me: thank you mum, actually yes, could you just wipe the damp from that window please?

10 mins later. I've cleaned your kitchen too, did you know you need to clean your toaster tray out. Oh, I'd like to mop the floors, ...and you need to hoover...

Me: thanks mum, I didn't ask you to do that though.....

Mum. Snappy.... I only try to help you!

Now, I know what she's like and this behaviour is normally linked to her feeling stressed or unhappy about something. I get it in the neck.

I've been in counselling about my relationship with her and learnt to create healthy boundaries and how to communicate better with her.

I don't like it when there's a bad vibe between us and there is at the moment.

AIBU to ask her if there is something wrong? Or should I just let her stew and hopefully whatever is going on will die down?

I don’t think you’re in the wrong, but why don’t you just say no when she asks if she can do any housework?

My mum tries to wash dishes etc when she comes over and I always sit her down and say there’s no need for her to do that and get her a cup of tea or whatever.

She’s providing full time childcare for no money (I think), that’s amazing of her.

I pay her to look after my children. No where near enough but as much as I can stretch to.

I normally don't let her help at all and insist of making her tea etc. But...that day I was exhausted and responded differently.

My mum is am amazing help. I can't fault her on that.

After she finished cleaning and said "you need to hoover" why didn't you just say "I will. Thanks for that mum, you're been a big help. I appreciate it" ?
She's happy, all is peaceful.
Why immediately "I didn't ask you to help"? You sound quite confrontational - did you feel like she was having a go or implying you should have done it already? Or a bit guilty almost, that she's doing "your work"?
If someone offered to help me do something, I would take the offer at face value, and thank them.

Sorry for assuming childcare was free and I can understand you were exhausted and welcomed the help.

I’m afraid there’s a nicer way to say ‘I didn’t ask you to do that’. I would have said ‘you’ve done so much already, Mum, just relax now’.

This is a manageable situation, I think. She wants to help needs a lot of appreciation too.

I’m struggling to see how your mum is trying to control things under the guise of helping you? If she offers and you feel the boundary needs to be set, just say “no thanks but thanks for the offer”

I see you’re trying to set boundaries with saying thanks but I didn’t ask you to do that - but I think that’s a pretty rude thing to say (although I get it would feel like she’s going on with a list of things that need doing). I don’t see how that is controlling things though - just a “thanks mum I’ll do it in my own time” would suffice?

My mum and MIL will do a bit of cleaning or tidying for me and always do way too much, I just say “thank you I really appreciate that”

So I think I’m trying to agree with other posters, that you could have been a bit nicer in the way you set the boundary.

Perhaps give her a call and just say “I’m sorry if I was rude before I was so tired and wiped out and felt guilty at how much you’d done, thank you for helping. I noticed you seem a bit down lately, are you ok?”

I think it’s a totally manageable situation and if it’s usually linked to your mum being stressed and upset she may appreciate the olive branch.

(My mum is also exactly the same)

Thank you all. I don't think I explained the situation very well here.

I have just called my mum and my gut feeling was correct. She's been trying to control elements of my life as she's not had control in another area of her own life. We've had a lovely chat and both apologised. All OK now.

You might need to work on your reaction to her martyr attitude, she won't change if you can change your reaction to say "Thanks I'll remember that" doesn't matter if you don't mean it, rehearse it like a mantra.
It is hard but if she is cleaning up I'd be super nice too.