didn't get promoted - feel worthless

[feelingworthless76]

Sorry to abuse AIBU. I just really need some kind words.
I work for a company where my department operates autonomously and is fairly new but the overall company is huge, listed and one of the best in the world for what we offer in professional services.

I moved to the company 18m ago. I think I've done well. I'm 26 and was brought in as an experienced hire, I used to work at Big 4. Most people were brought in as graduates, working their way up. It's customary at the lower levels to be promoted every year, they aren't normal promotions as most would consider, but there's levels within each grade and you move up a level each year, sometimes 2 levels if you do well.

I just found out I didn't get promoted. They said they love working with me, I am good, but they think I could do with an extra year in my current level to gain experience. I think they needed to show the US HQ they were keeping costs down and I was an easy target. In a normal year I would have been promoted, I was told. Everyone else has been promoted, some doubles. As a result, people less qualified than me and younger are now above me (as they began as grads). For the job you need to be ACA qualified, grads do this in their first 3 years. I have been qualified for 2 years, so that's what I mean by qualified.

I feel so worthless and embarrassed. I don't want to stay but a part of me wonders if maybe I should for a while. I get paid a good amount and I have it pretty easy right now.

Any words of advice?

Those that get the best projects are those that have been there longer (i.e. grads) and have built rapport with those high up (always men).

I’ve worked in a company like this. It was very frustrating at the start. But if you want to get places, you have to play the game their way.

Find yourself that sponsor who’ll champion you in the business. Invest in that relationship. They won’t all be football loving men (or not solely). Identity someone you can forge a common bond with. Recruit them to your cause.

Once I figured that out, I never looked back.

Do you have a mentor? In many professional services organisations to progress you really need someone higher up the tree championing you. Additionally you need sharp elbows/ to be pushy in same way as a man would be to progress. There are good and bad ways of doing this. Sounds like you need to get on radar of people allocating prestigious projects. Hard during remote working! Is there a womens or other network you can join internally/externally? You need to build your network. Often it’s not discrimination but ignorance .. they promote those they ‘know’, and those under the radar get ignored.

@dontdisturbmenow

Other people had better opportunities than I did because I didn't get put on as much as them or projects that allow me to showcase my skills If you think there was a prejudice in the way projects were delivered, you should have raised this sooner in a productive way. You should have challenged why you were not chosen and either taken constructive criticism or raised a grievance.

I did, I was told it is not fair but it's how it works. Verbatim.

@Annasgirl

Hi OP, I have worked in many roles in multinational organisations over many years and my best (female) friend is a CFO in a global firm. I am sorry to say but you are coming across as defensive and a bit defeatist. I worked in male-dominated industries and there were times when being the only female held me back, but I always looked to the next opportunity. YOU are the one who makes your opportunities - even with the worst project, if you are the best performer or offer a new way of doing business, you will get noticed.

You seem to have a complex about your gender and your schooling, but surely, if you were headhunted, you have a value to the company.

I would ask for a review with your line manager, I would write it all down and give OBJECTIVE feedback to the manager and ask them for objective feedback on what you need to do to ensure you are not passed over a second time. Take all of the emotion out of it - point to the work you have done, shine a light on it and in the meantime - you need to work harder to be seen in the company - and that means actually working harder and not "getting on the shiniest project".

Good luck OP.

I suppose if it felt justified I would accept it and take on board the advice.

We have a complex rating system for feedback. I have always been grades as 'above expectations'. There was nothing to suggest I wasn't good enough. The only difference is that I come from a different background professionally and didn't start as a grad.

I won't ignore my gender or educational background as the company found they had a bias and I am leading the team to help eradicate it.

@Champagneandmonstermunch

My advice would be to ask for their feedback. If they did not think you should be promoted then, where exactly have you shown you lack experience, if it is a properly considered decision it should be easy for them to give examples. I'd also ask how they are going to help you gain that experience over the next year. I have been in a similar situation, and found when I challenged it, there was no real reason for me being overlooked, and I suddenly found there was a lot of support thrown my way.

I got all the feedback, it was:

• people love working with you and you as a person
• people with your background were promoted before and have struggled to meet the expectations of the new grade, so they are learning from that
• they think there's no harm in staying at my level for more work.

My coach then told me he would look for a new job if he was me :)

Agree with others that the way that projects are allocated needs challenging in a timely and professional way. If this happens again, you need to speak up, show those in charge the benefits of having a diverse (not just in terms of skills) project team. Put yourself forward as a diversity/equality champion .....changes only happen if people are prepared to change....be that person!

Also, find yourself a mentor....someone a few grades higher than you. They should be someone who will give you honest feedback as well as being in a position to help you develop and progress.

And I stand by my previous advice, start looking for another job. Sometimes an offer from a competitor is enough to get your current employer to make you a better offer,

This sounds systemic and very difficult to change OP. They have identified a problem, given you the task of fixing it and yet continue to blatantly discriminate against you by saying things like, "that's just how things are".

Personally, I would be looking for a new job. You can, of course highlight all the things PP have mentioned, ask for constructive feedback, try harder to worm your way onto the good projects. But god, it will be tiring and exhausting and demoralising.

I'd once been acting up into a more senior role for a year. I was absolutely made for it, but they eventually booted me out of it to let a friend of the boss have it in a stitch up of a restructure. I'd never experienced that kind of corporate chicanery and was heartbroken and ashamed (to get away with it, they pulled out all sorts of bollocks about how I hadn't been doing well enough. It was not true).

My confidence was destroyed, I took redundancy at the next available chance and bumbled about in low level jobs since.

I wasted years getting over it, was too embarrassed to ask for feedback (in case I really was as shit as they had said) and too bitter to cultivate meaningful contacts with those who'd done me over as I couldn't face them. Keep those enemies close! Don't shut down over one setback, and keep going. There will be opportunities again and this won't last forever. Maybe that does mean looking elsewhere, but don't be driven out by them making you feel inadequate.

Honestly - if this is the sort of company where male seniors choose male juniors for the best projects over and over again (I have worked in one) - I think you should leave now. You’re not going to change the culture in time.

Even if HR have identified a bias and set you at the head of a group to change things, that doesn’t mean the partners/seniors are going to make an effort to change from how they’ve always worked. Your lack of promotion is a sign of that.

Find somewhere genuinely modernised and that has systems in place to ensure fair allocation of work rather than the “mini me” approach.

And yy to addressing the reasons why you didnt get it. If not getting the opportunities make it clear you will leave if you have to (and be prepared to). If the reality is nowhere is hiring etc you have to accept that both opportunity and reward are demand/market driven and the current economic climate may slow down progression you were expecting and make competition for it that much harder.

Reading this thread, I would strongly encourage you to focus on objectively what you have achieved, brush off the CV and start looking for another job.

I know its tempting to fight it where you are because you feel snubbed, but I don't thin age 26 when building your career is a good time to be rocking that 'sexism' boat unless you have a really clear-cut case with solid evidence. By all means, fight sexism in the industry...but right now it will be a lot of hard work for you, you'll be scape goated for something or other and you're not really in the most powerful position. Look after yourself first. Get a better job, climb the ladder. Then look at trying to change the way the industry works....

Some will say that this attitude is wrong and defeatist, but I call it pragmatic. I wouldn't choose this as a hill to die on right now. I would brush it off and find somewhere better....

If you resign and get a new job, in your exit interview you can tell HR that you were headhunted specifically because you possessed attributes they desired ( the company found they had a bias and I am leading the team to help eradicate it. ), then held back due to those exact attributes ( people with your background were promoted before and have struggled to meet the expectations of the new grade, so they are learning from that ). It's almost funny really, in a sick kind of way.

HI OP,

Thanks for explaining. Then I think you need to look to move on. But before you do, bring this up with your line manager and see how they explain it. By the way, both my friend and I have left jobs in the past, when, after reviewing with line managers, we were left with the realisation that nothing would ever change and we could either wait there, fester, become disillusioned with our careers or we could move on.

But I would always try to resolve the issues first, then move. Also, make sure you have a job to move to before you resign - just in this pandemic, you don't want to be unemployed.

Best wishes OP - and of course you are upset - now you need to decide do you let it depress you or do you let it motivate you.

As pp don't take it personally.

I'm actually in senior management within a big four and it's shocking the amount of cliques that exist. Last year we had 13 people who put their hats in the ring for senior manager promotions, 5 were shortlisted, 3 were promoted. Of the three, one had a year less of experience than the 13, and part of the decision making is 'gut feeling that they weren't ready' which genuinely is the differentiator. You have two options:

1. find something else
2. you sit down with a few of your bosses and your business lead, put together your objectives and you smash them and on top of this, ask for financial recognition if that hasn't been done already.

Unfortunately a lot of the time it is down to luck i.e. right project path with right exposure, and not everyone has that experience

I forgot to say, in neither option can you 'take it easy'

My (small) practice co-founding partner was you 20 years ago.
Accountancy was, and can still be, a big cliquey boys club

She left and owns her own thriving practice now! Look for a new job, its not the same everywhere. Its shit bit you're probably right about your face not fitting. Screw them.

Happened to me in a regional office of the Big 4 (actuallyBig 6, I’m old) at your age. I was told to expect the promotion if I hit certain assignment ratings. I knocked it all out of the park and overachieved every metric. My personal feedback was also stellar. I didn’t get the promotion, but one of my peers did. His ratings and personal feedback were lower but the office managing partner pushed him very hard and no one championed me because they just expected that, with my performance, promotion would take its course.

I was upset and said so and was told exactly the same as you. Just sit it out and don’t worry. I thought about it and decided not to so I got a job in industry and resigned within 6 weeks. That decision led me down an awesome career path (out of accountancy as it turns out) that I didn’t expect and would never have dreamed of if I had stayed in that firm. I have never regretted it for one moment. There was also a knock-on impact that a number of other people resigned citing my situation as it was an indicator that the favoured ones were going to get the promotions so there was no point working towards the unachievable.

In a professional firm environment being overlooked for promotion is a big thing. You can’t sit out an easy year. It’s a brutal and cutthroat environment and is a pyramid where a tiny number of people who start at the bottom make it to the pinnacle (which also explains their woeful inability to form coherent and accountable delivery teams. If you set everyone up to fight each other, you can’t be surprised when they don’t play nicely together). A missed promotion with no clear explanation is a signal that you won’t make the big leagues. If you want partnership (or equivalent) you’ve just been told that you won’t get it. It’s unbelievably harsh to say so, but I could introduce you to literally dozens of (very successful and happy) people who’ve experienced this. The world is full of alternatives so I would advise you, at your age and career stage, to move on to somewhere that values you.

Hi OP. I have a similar background and I would say you either want your promotion or a performance development plan to be put in place. If they won’t work with you, think how you can use the job as a springboard and start applying for your next role. I went practice-industry-practice and it worked very well for me.

I agree with PP. If this organisation is not going to change and has pretty much made it clear that you won't get better projects and that you won't get promoted, I think it's time to move on. You are young, there is absolutely no reason to stay in a job that is already penalising you. At the very least, if you were head hunted they should be loving you right now and clearly they aren't.

This sounds systemic and very difficult to change OP. They have identified a problem, given you the task of fixing it and yet continue to blatantly discriminate against you by saying things like, "that's just how things are".

I'd definitely challenge it, as for more specific feedback (presumably you have appraisals and grades for different aspects of your work? make sure you have paper copies of these, and go over them with your boss/mentor/line manager so you can pinpoint how you can improve (even more).
Look for a new job, take your time and go for something you feel comfortable with.
And then when you get your exit interview, make sure you go over those points as bluebird said. Make sure that they understand that you think they are holding you back because of your sex/background and that this doesn't fly with you, especially in view of you being on the team developing strategies to combat that.

Good luck. It is ok to be sad and upset and angry about this setback. Use that anger positively to find a way through.