Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To want some time away from my DS for my own MH?

16 replies

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 21:03

NC for this....

I'm a single parent of a 19 year old DS who I suspect is on the autism spectrum. I've suspected this since he was about 16 but by the time the penny dropped for me it was too late to 'take' him to the GP. He is emotionally immature (closer to 16/17) and has always been a later developer. For background...it's just been the two of us since he was 4, he's had no contact with his dad since he was 9 (his choice) and we have no other family in the UK so we were always a tight unit. He was a high achiever at school, he was always a bit 'quirky', but popular and well like but teachers and pupils. I suspect (with hindsight) that he was 'masking' his behaviour. From about the age of 17 he became very distant with me (normal teenage behaviour?).He is 'always right' and my opinion is 'always wrong'. I've tried to broach the ASD subject a couple of times in the last couple of years but he just gets defensive and closes it down. I actually think he also suspects that he's on the spectrum but isn't ready to deal with it.

So fast forward to 2020 and COVID happened. Lockdown 1 was hell. He was in the middle of his gap year and having his wings clipped made him SO angry. I have been WFH (and busier than ever) throughout COVID and he has been a nightmare to live as I was the only outlet for his anger at the situation. I've made allowances for his anger/silence/rude behaviour, understanding that it's difficult for everyone but acknowledging that while it's been difficult for me, at least I've had work to keep me occupied for 40 hours of my week while he's been stuck in his room for a year now. Fast forward again to Lockdown 3 and I'm now really struggling. I'm an extrovert and the lack of external stimulation means I'm running on empty (I get NOTHING from DS). He's now been sucked into the conspiracy theories so every conversation I have with him is him preaching to me about NOT having the vaccine and how 'they' are trying to control me. I'm at the end of my wick. I don't actually like him at the moment.

AIBU to want to run away at the first opportunity and leave him to it? I feel guilty as I keep reminding myself that if (as suspected) he is on the spectrum he may be struggling more than others to process the big changes. How would you deal with this?

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 22:21

Anyone?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/02/2021 22:32

What a horrible situation. If it hadn't been for Covid, was he planning then to take a gap year and travel, or just stay put? Was he working or planning to work? If it's a gap year was he intending to go to university? What are his plans now?

The only good thing about this, OP, is that he's 19 and surely he'll want to move out soon!

Mumdiva99 · 28/02/2021 22:39

Bless you. It sounds tough. Do you have a friend to exercise with regularly (e.g. go for a walk with and just chat?) - getting that adult stimulation can be a great release.

Is your son self sufficient? Can he look after himself if you are away? If.so - can you book a hotel for a night? For the sake of your MH just having a night away may help. (Yes I know we are in a pandemic and most hotels are shut but some are open for workers.) Alternatively is there family/friend you could stay with?

Don't feel bad about looking out for you and recharging your batteries to support him.

Original poster

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 22:53

Thanks for the replies.

My DS could cope on his own for a couple of nights - maybe a week - but probably not much longer. He refuses to learn how to cook (rigid thinking) and would just eat junk until I came home to cook for him. I do have a friend I would normally walk with but she's just lost her mum so I've avoided leaning on her as she's had bigger issues to deal with. I have no family here. I feel a bit lost as lockdown has also made me realise how little effort I've made to widen my circle as I've been so wrapped up in parenting and work.

DS was planning to apply for apprenticeships (he had already decided that Uni wasn't for him) but those all froze last year. He's claiming UC and applying for anything/everything now. Nothing has materialised.

My main feeling is one of guilt as I feel that it's my duty to always be here for my DS and protect him. I know he's technically an adult now but emotionally he's very immature and Covid hasn't helped as he's stuck in school-leaver mode as he hasn't been able to progress.!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/02/2021 22:57

It sounds as though your friend would appreciate going for a regular walk. Perhaps use it as a time to talk about happier things so that you're refreshed when you get back home?

I really feel for you - it must feel as though you're in a prison cell with a pain in the arse!

Try to visualise what life will be like when things get back to normal. I'd be out of the house as much as I could! Once your son gets an apprenticeship he'll make friends and be out of the house a lot more. Things will get better, though I know that must seem unlikely at the moment.

HollowTalk · 28/02/2021 23:00

You say he was popular at school, so hopefully once he's working he'll have friends there and maybe a girlfriend, too.

As far as the conspiracy theories are concerned, god help you! It's probably better to steer him away from those conversations rather than outright disagree with them. I've found that asking, "What do you think caused that then?" etc in an interested way worked better than saying, "Only an idiot would believe that." In the end he wants you to agree with him. The quickest way to shut him up on that is just to go along with it.

Embracelife · 28/02/2021 23:03

Take yourself for a,walk anyway.
Dies not have to b e with someone
Go out
Listen to podcasts
Call NAS for advice
As he is an adult you can look decide not to care for him and look into other options
Was he going to uni? Has he applied?

Original poster

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 23:05

@HollowTalk you're right re the conspiracy theories. My instinct is to counter everything he says and it very quickly becomes a conflict conversation. I know he just wants to be right but I really struggle with some of the cr*p he comes out with. I've got to the stage where he's acknowledged that what he says is an opinion (rather than a fact) and I've said if he can bring me some evidence to his opinion I'm happy to debate it with him. But it's exhausting.... My biggest worry is that he's refusing to take the vaccine and I'm worried about the impact that will have on our future as our family all live abroad so it could limit his travel options.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 28/02/2021 23:05

What aCtually would happen if he ate junk for a week?
Why does that worry you?
He may be may be more Capable if left to it ?

Original poster

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 23:07

@Embracelife I already do all of that. I walk 15k steps a day and listen to audiobooks and podcasts. That is definitely my saving grace right now!

OP posts:

Embracelife · 28/02/2021 23:07

It will be his choice if he does not wish to travel.
He is an adult
Unless actually lacks capacity you cannot decide for him

peanutbutterandbananas · 28/02/2021 23:07

There's support available for adults with autism, and their carers and families. You could talk to the National Autistic Society or local authority links such as communitycatalogue.towerhamlets.gov.uk/marketplace/cat/vendor/414;jsessionid=BF1A3EC09529E72BF36E880ECF0D2C1B
Think they could really help and advise.

HollowTalk · 28/02/2021 23:09

You know what, it's very likely he won't be able to travel without having the vaccine, so, sadly, you will have to go on your own!

Over the conspiracy thing, just treat him as you would an annoying person on a train. "Ohh haven't heard of that." "That sounds interesting." "It wouldn't surprise me." Etc etc. But with the vaccine, I'd just say, "Oh I know, but still, I'm going to have it as I want to go abroad. It's up to you, of course, what you do."

If he gets Covid it's very unlikely he'd become ill, so I wouldn't worry about that, given that most people will be immunised anyway.

Original poster

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 23:10

Yes you're right. It's more about my guilt than concern for his welfare. I feel guilty about going out walking for the whole day (and leaving him alone at home) even though he shows no interest in my presence when I am home. I acknowledge that it's more my issue than his. I'm projecting my need for people on him (he doesn't need people and is quite happy in his own company).

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 23:12

thanks @peanutbutterandbananas

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeWithThisIssue · 28/02/2021 23:14

@HollowTalk

You know what, it's very likely he won't be able to travel without having the vaccine, so, sadly, you will have to go on your own!

If he gets Covid it's very unlikely he'd become ill, so I wouldn't worry about that, given that most people will be immunised anyway.

I know and this makes me sad. Traveling to see family has always been the highlight of our year and now he's making this all about 'them' controlling his life. I will go alone if I have to.

I'm not worried about him getting Covid, though a small part of me thinks if he did get it then maybe he'd take it more seriously.

OP posts:

Flip