To be fed up of always being so reasonable

[MrsTweedy21]

I'm so sick of everyone at the moment - dysfunctional relatives, spoilt daughter-in-law, annoying husband...I always try and keep the peace with everyone and be as helpful and understanding as I can. AIBU that, for once, I would love to tell everyone to fuck off and sort their own shit out!

No you are being completely reasonable. Again.

do it. It'll probably be worth it just to see the look of horror on their faces... go volcanic. watch them run from the lava, screaming.

tee-hee

Let rip, and then deny everything afterwards in a deeply reasonable way. No one will be able to pin anything on you.

Can you tell them calmly how you feel? Just to avoid creating a massive eruption and making things even worse?

I think this particular lockdown has really frayed everyone's tempers. Covid related things aside, if you're the one expected to carry everyone else's burdens and help them sort their shit out you wouldn't be unreasonable to tell everyone to grow up and sort out their own lives. It's the mental load isn't it.

@VladmirsPoutine

I think this particular lockdown has really frayed everyone's tempers. Covid related things aside, if you're the one expected to carry everyone else's burdens and help them sort their shit out you wouldn't be unreasonable to tell everyone to grow up and sort out their own lives. It's the mental load isn't it.

This - absolutely! Thank you all, I just wish I was brave enough to try some of your suggestions

You don't have to go nuclear to show that you're fed up

You could just say a version of 'Stop... I'm fed up of your behaviour. I'm not fixing it for you, go away.'

Yes. Me too.

I've stopped immediately answering my mother's messages, and stopped leaping into action to solve every problem she has.

I think of it as emotional leakage. People need to manage their own emotions with splashing them all over everyone else!

OP,

Sounds like you need to pull back.

Swooping in as the fixer really doesn't do everyone and good in the longterm and leaves you feeling worn out and taken for granted.

Practice staying silent.

I think you make little of yourself running around being everyone's fixer all of the time.

Down tools for a bit, before you explode, and recharge those batteries.

If you are invested in being perceived as a reasonable, helpful, peacekeeper then your responses to other people's behaviour will be influenced by this desire. What happens if you simply don't engage in trying to solve other people's problems? Do you feel hurt or upset if they accuse you of being unsupportive? Would you describe yourself as a people please? I am not trying to be unkind but I think it's important to understand why you assume responsibility for sorting out other people's problems. It can become a habit which is difficult break.

I don't think you need to go nuclear at all just quietly stop being the problem solver, peacekeeper. If you have maintained this role then people will naturally look to you to be the fixer, if you start refusing to sort things out they will be less likely to bring their problems to your door. You cannot fix others dysfunctional behaviour but you can refuse to get drawn in.

@FOJN

If you are invested in being perceived as a reasonable, helpful, peacekeeper then your responses to other people's behaviour will be influenced by this desire. What happens if you simply don't engage in trying to solve other people's problems? Do you feel hurt or upset if they accuse you of being unsupportive? Would you describe yourself as a people please? I am not trying to be unkind but I think it's important to understand why you assume responsibility for sorting out other people's problems. It can become a habit which is difficult break.

I don't think you need to go nuclear at all just quietly stop being the problem solver, peacekeeper. If you have maintained this role then people will naturally look to you to be the fixer, if you start refusing to sort things out they will be less likely to bring their problems to your door. You cannot fix others dysfunctional behaviour but you can refuse to get drawn in.

I think you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with your post. I was brought up in a volatile environment (domestic abuse, alcohol and drug issues, etc) and this has left me unable to deal with conflict of any sort - therefore my default action is always to appease everyone.

You've certainly given me much to think about - thank you all.

FOJN is spot on.

Most women have been socialised to think its their job to keep everything ticking over and to keep the peace for a reason: because it involves a lot of mental load, work and diplomacy which men realise limits them.

You wouldn't be the first woman to have been raised to think you have to put others' needs ahead of your own. Maybe this is an opportunity to quietly step away from stuff which isn't your problem and is a drain on your emotional resources.

It doesn't have to be a big "fuck you" moment. Just quietly disengage.

There’s a middle path which involves just not doing anything at all. I used to feel that I always had to do or say something to smooth things over, but I’ve since learned the absolute peace and relief of just carrying on reading my book or doing whatever I was already doing, whilst uttering the occasional “mmm” or “oh dear”.

I found myself in this situation last year, I did go semi-nuclear totally lost my shit and I can assure you, it's so freeing. My stress levels have reduced considerably.

I know what you mean. My Mum has a a friend who has a lot of people coming to her with her problems. She now finishes calls with "Yes, I can see that would be a problem for you. Well, I'll leave you to sort that out. Cheerio!"

@CruCru lm going to steal that, when my mum tries to delegate a load of tasks that aren’t my problem and l don’t wish to sort out

Yep, totally get you. I’m the rational, reasonable peace maker here. Sick and tired of people taking my nature for granted to be honest. Luckily family are mostly good but sometimes I feel like throwing my toys out of the pram for once or holding a grudge.

I had to train myself to stop solving problems for DH. I say mmm or if Im feeling generous 'how are you going to fix that then?'