Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Children seeing extended family

19 replies

TuffStuff · 28/02/2021 10:59

It’s not really an issue at the moment but I’m worried about how the future will play out.

We used to only see DSD one day a week and that was spent at DH parents so they could see her (that set a precedent). After a court battle, we now have DSD 4 days a fortnight...before lockdown, we would visit one afternoon with DSD and our children, DH would then take DSD for a couple of hours on the way back to her mums house.

I’m worried about what will happen when DSD starts school and we only see her every other weekend. I don’t want to spend the every weekend at his parents house.

I feel like they’re really intense with DSD because of the situation (parents separated during pregnancy). I know grandparents that only really see their grandchildren in the school holidays because they’re busy on weekends - I thought that was normal?

How do you all manage weekends and family relationships?

Thank you!

OP posts:

CherieBabySpliffUp · 28/02/2021 11:03

You don't have to go if you don't want to!
Let him have time with his daughter and parents. You have him to yourself every other weekend.

Original poster

TuffStuff · 28/02/2021 11:08

We have 2 children as well as DSD...it would be nice to spend time as a family, doing things together. Wouldn’t it?

OP posts:

Loveacoseynightin · 28/02/2021 11:14

Why is the arrangement for 4 days a fortnight? Are 2 days over a weekend?

If so you can still get in your family day

lovepickledlimes · 28/02/2021 11:23

When my parents divorced my dad did frequently take me to see my grandparents when he had me every two weeks Saturday-Sunday but it was not every weekend that he had me. Would maybe seeing the grandparents once a month be a option.

saraclara · 28/02/2021 11:45

DSD should be part of your blended family. The contact is supposed to prioritise the relationship with her dad, not her grandparents. She needs to have a relationship with her step siblings in their normal setting.

She should come to you. Yours is her other home. The GPs should be visiting her there, not monopolising her at their house.

saraclara · 28/02/2021 11:48

Sorry, I might have misunderstood how much time she spends there. But even so, there has to be a better way than her spending a day of every weekend you have her, with the GPs.

Original poster

TuffStuff · 28/02/2021 12:07

@Loveacoseynightin it is 4 days a fortnight at the moment but that will change to every other weekend once DSD starts school.

DH is better at not seeing his parents, he used to take DSD every day!

@lovepickledlimes that’s what I was hoping for as there are my parents to visit too (been in DSD life since she was a baby). GP have a good relationship with DSD mum so can FaceTime whenever they like too...DH thinks I’m being unreasonable though, like they are a priority.

@saraclara thank you. I think they’d be here just as much then whereas I’d like a break and for it to be our family on our own too. Whenever we went out somewhere, he’d want to invite his parents. I just find it too much.

OP posts:

PaleFox · 28/02/2021 12:13

Yes, this would be far too much time with the PILs for me! It sounds like the issue is with DH as much as them? If he always wants to invite them? Time for a serious chat with DH about balancing time with grandparents and time together as a family.

Kitkat151 · 28/02/2021 12:14

All the grandparents I know do t just see their grandchildren at holiday time if they live locally.......being too busy to see your grandchildren on a weekend is a bit strange🤔...... but maybe that’s normal in your family and you think I am strange for seeing my grandchildren every week

PaleFox · 28/02/2021 12:14

Is DSD a red herring here? Wouldn't DH want his parents to be very involved if it was just you and him and your DC?

Oysterbabe · 28/02/2021 12:18

In normal times we take the children to see their grandparents pretty much every weekend.

MrBullinaChinaShop · 28/02/2021 12:18

It’s a tricky one because obviously DSD’s want a relationship with their granddaughter, and that’s a good thing.
I don’t know anyone who only sees local grandparents in school holidays though. My parents are local and we see them weekly. In fact my in laws live a 3 hour flight away and (pre Covid) we see them more often than just school holidays!
Surely seeing them doesn’t have to take up a whole weekend? Your DH could take your kids to their grandparents for a couple of hours in the morning then you can do something as a family in the afternoon for example?

Original poster

TuffStuff · 28/02/2021 13:33

@PaleFox thank you...it can be pretty intense! DH isn’t really like this with our own DC, just DSD. I don’t understand why 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Kitkat151 it’s not the grandparents that are busy but the children with various clubs, team, days out, etc

@MrBullinaChinaShop we’ve just moved house further from them (not for that reason) so things may be different once lockdown eases. We lived very nearby previously and DH would take DSD at any opportunity, spare half hour, etc.

OP posts:

Kitkat151 · 28/02/2021 13:45

[quote TuffStuff]@PaleFox thank you...it can be pretty intense! DH isn’t really like this with our own DC, just DSD. I don’t understand why 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Kitkat151 it’s not the grandparents that are busy but the children with various clubs, team, days out, etc

@MrBullinaChinaShop we’ve just moved house further from them (not for that reason) so things may be different once lockdown eases. We lived very nearby previously and DH would take DSD at any opportunity, spare half hour, etc.[/quote]
OMG that’s even worse then......i couldn’t imagine my children saying they are too busy at the weekend for me to see my grandchildren and I would only be able to see them at holidays.....am very very glad my children’s values around family and it’s importance are different to the people that you know.

Kitkat151 · 28/02/2021 13:47

I think it’s great that your partner wants his grandchildren to have a good relationship with his parents.......you don’t have to go if you don’t want to......just let him go if you think it’s too much for you

Jessmary94 · 28/02/2021 13:48

We used to see our grandparents every weekend, however the time we would go and how long we spent there would vary around what other plans we had (:
For me perosnally i think its important for kids to see there grandparents and once a month wouldnt be anywhere near enough for me. My own person opinion and i know everybodys will be different.
Maybe arrange gp visits around your plans and rather than make your plan around the visits?

CoRhona · 28/02/2021 13:52

If you've moved away and your DH used to take DSD at other times then YABU. They're already losing out on some of the time they spent with her from you moving.

Abraxan · 28/02/2021 19:10

@Kitkat151

Every week is a lot compared to most people I know. But when everyone is working, and then adding in school friend parties, clubs and activities, etc as well as wanting to do things as a immediate family, then trying to visit a grandparent visit it every weekend too can be a bit much for many people.

If you've got two sets of parents, plus perhaps other friends and relatives you want to see - how does it all fit in?

Most people I know, other than when parents live in the same e locality, see grandparents every few weeks - the most frequent might be for a while once a fortnight, but usually more likely once a month of every 5-6 weeks.

Admittedly I don't know many people where parents are really close by though, and those that are it tends to be a brief half hour/hour drop in for a cuppa and a snack rather than a full or most of day visit. Those who are further away and see them less frequently it would be more likely a longer visit.

Abraxan · 28/02/2021 19:11

OP - how frequently do you all go and visit your parents, with or without DSD?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread