To be angry with DH over his OCD tidying

[Lilycakes]

We have a 9 month old DD, who like all children has toys. DH has always been on the OCD side, but lately he’s been a bit mental about her having toys in the living room, and while she's in the middle of playing will start aggressively vacuuming and cleaning and putting her toys away. It's now getting to the point where he puts the toys up in room and doesn't want them in sight.

I’m honestly about to lose it.

Is it unreasonable to have toys out when she's using them? Surely toys are par for the course with babies?

No idea how to get DH to chill the f out.

Agree a time the toys can be away by. Like 6pm.
Or go out, leave dh+dc and a tidy home. Dc will have him up the wall playing with fresh air...

Is his OCD diagnosed?

@wandawombat

Is his OCD diagnosed?

No he wouldn’t go to a doctor but I expect he is

What does he say about it?

The mess will get a lot lot worse from 9 months old. You need to sort this out.

Telling someone with OCD related tidying/cleaning tendencies to "chill the f out" would be like telling a deaf person talking too loud to shut the f up...

It's not a conscious thing and often causes a lot of stress and anxiety.

Of course its not unreasonable for a child to have toys out.

I'm not sure aggressively tidying up around a child and demanding toys be hidden away is actually OCD though. I would sit DH down when all is calm and discuss. Don't say a bit/a touch of/on the OCD side. OCD is an actual diagnosable illness. If you are actually concerned that he HAS OCD then look up the NHS or Mind sites and get info on managing it.

Otherwise, deal with his inability to accept that a child makes general mess and then you teach them how to tidy it.

He also needs to see a doctor if he has genuine OCD traits. This will have a huge impact on his MH and lead to burnout eventually if it's not controlled.

If he just likes things neat and tidy because he expects a show home then he needs to realise that's not realistic with kids and it will annoy the hell out of them (i say this from experience growing up with a clean freak parent!)

Can you agree on a middle ground? Talk to him about it when he is feeling calm and agree some home rules?

For instance, clearing everything away before lunch and then again before her evening meal? Presumably after that it is pretty much bath and upstairs time anyway?

Do you have easy boxes, cupboards, shelves, whatever for the toys to be put into when they are not in use downstairs? That always helps.

But essentially yes he does need to understand that children play with toys and hallelujah for that considering sadly she will soon be on screens the whole time.

It is up to him to get help if he cannot cope with normal toys around. A huge mess is not nice but if it is a few toys then that must be sorted out and by him.

He sounds like my father was when I was growing up!

I can understand your frustration but it’s really hard for those who struggle with compulsions etc. Does he actually have ocd? Or does he just love a clean home? I’m not officially diagnosed with ocd but I am similar to your husband with what you explain whereas dp doesn’t give a shite what the house looks like! It has caused us problems at times. Now dc are older I find it impossible to keep up so I’ve chilled out a bit but I do still struggle. When I’m thinking about cleaning , I have to do it there and then! It’s not his fault. He probably doesn’t like feeling that way as much as you don’t like it yourself. I wish I could chill out more.

If he truly has OCD telling him to chill the fuck out isn’t going to work. Has he got worse with the obsessive tidying since lockdown/the baby being born? Very stressful things can be triggers for people who already have tendencies like this. When you’re calmer I would raise it with him about seeing the GP about it once and for all so that he can get help with dealing with it, because it’s not fair on any of you including your child to have to live like this.

I think there's a middle ground, does your DD have lots of toys out at the same time ... I used to go to some friends' homes and their living room looked like a playschool with so many toys all over the floor, I can't stand mess so I would only get one set of toys out at a time and then put them away before getting something else out. I had a relative and their child had so many toys you just couldn't sit down comfortably in their sitting room - it was hideous - and the child really didn't seem to appreciate or value anything still doesn't as a teenager.

Having toys out is what you do when you have children. It is his problem to learn how to live with it, not by removing the toys. DS used to set up intricate races on the lounge rug with his toy cars that lasted for days. We were happy to keep them on the rug but he knew he had to have gaps in certain places so that people could walk through the lounge safely without tripping over them. Again half built lego was allowed to be kept out but all the little pieces had to be put away. Compromise is key. Other parents would ask for everything to be put away in the evening.

But having toys put away during the day whilst your child is playing with them is not on. You can minimise the mess by encouraging them to put away one set of toys before playing with another set, but sometimes children will bring many different toys together in their creative play.

I wistfully miss the car race track as DS, as another PP has said, has moved onto screens.

The explosion of toys is one phase during childhood.

Does he play with your DC?

No advice but I am in a similar situation. My DSs are 10 and 4 but DH is getting more obsessed with keeping things tidy. His ideal house would have completely empty cupboards and wardrobes I think. He gets so worked up when DS2 mixes up toys, no matter how much I try to explain he is using his imagination and being creative. So for example he will use the blue back of a board from a board game as "water" to rescue his Mario characters from.

DH will throw brand new things away as he's decided that they are clutter and he doesn't want them in the house anymore, even though he bought them only a few months before. It doesn't help that I am the complete opposite and a bit of a hoarder, although I am working on this and getting much better. I sometimes think we would be better off having separate houses tbh. We'd both be less stressed that way.

I grew up in a home that was always spotless which is why I think I'm less concerned about mess than DH. I don't want my DC growing up scared to get a toy out because they'll get shouted out for making a mess.

He also won't let them get muddy or go out without their hair looking perfect. They are small children ffs, they are meant to be a bit muddy and grubby when they're out for a walk, it's called having fun. He also hates the beach because of the sand. Whereas I love seeing the DC enjoy themselves.

What a shame for your DC, it’s a known fact - children make mess, surely this can’t be a surprise to him?!?
If unaddressed this will get a lot worse.
We used to agree toys to be tidied away, if DC moved into the ‘next thing’, ie don’t get something else out whilst there was still other stuff out.
Also whilst they were being bathed and put to bed the other parent would do a bigger tidy and clean up at the end of the day.