To stop making arrangements with ex

[AllHallowsEve14]

I've posted about this before, I had some good advice so hoping for some more. About a month ago I told my ex that I would no longer agree to any regular set times for him to see the DT as he never shows up or is late etc. I said he could see them as often as he wanted but he would have to contact me with a time and if they were free then great. I don't know if this was the right way to go about it but I was so fed up with it all.

Anyway, of the last 4 times he has asked to see them (they have always been free, I've never had other plans when he has wanted to see them) he has turned up once. I feel like I'm back to square one, he asked on Friday to see them yesterday then had a headache so couldn't. Said he would pick them up this morning but apparently this is a really fucking bad headache because he is still "in a bad way" so won't be seeing them today either.

At what point can I say fuck this and not agree to any contact until he gets a legal childcare arrangement sorted out? I think he does it on purpose because he knows how much it pisses me off, letting the boys down time and time again.

AIBU to stop agreeing when he has proven time and again that he can't stick to anything? This has been going on for 4 years now.

Just bumping as I still don't know what to do!

Pointless saying he needs to have it legal, that doesn’t mean he has to stick to it that just means you will have to make sure the children are a available to him on those days, he doesn’t have to stick to it at all, so I wouldn’t say that. Just don’t make any plans with him anymore to see them. If he can’t be bothered that’s on him really. I would say unless he sticks to contact then don’t bother.

offs what a useless twat. god knows. not sure what you can do to get him to stick to his word.

@Givemeabreak88 I know he won't stick to it, I just mean that's his only option now as I won't be making any arrangements with him.

The hate I have for this man for treating his children like this is unreal.

How old are the children?

How old are DT? Poor kids. Do you tell them when ex makes plans or wait until the day because he’s so unreliable?

Don't tell them he's meant to be coming, for a start. Also, you pick a day and time and tell him that is when he can come, and if he chooses not to, then fuck him.

You can't make him be a good father. He isn't one. All you can do is protect your children from his shit. Let me guess, no regular maintenance either?

Honestly I would just stop bothering altogether then. People say not to tell the children he is coming but mine have asd and found the “surprised” difficult to deal with as they needed to know what the plans were for the day and needed routine so couldn’t get away with no telling them as it was me who dealt with the fall out. Obviously if your children are ok with him just showing up then go with that but I would tell him either step up and stick to contact or to not bother anymore. My ex was the same always some excuse why he couldn’t see them, at one point he was “ill” for 2 months.

They are 4, I have made the mistake of telling them when he is supposed to be coming but it won't happen again.

@AtSwimTwoBerts correct, he is always in and out of work so maintenance is another issue.

I'm shocked. Sorry, OP, he's not going to get better. I'd be surprised if he hadn't faded out entirely within a year.
Your sons are likely better off without him. The constant letting them down is far worse than just not knowing him at all.

At 4 I think absolutely don’t tell them he’s coming but also at 4 it’s hard for them to understand and comprehend when/if they’ll see him. It either needs to be regular so they know when they are seeing him or not at all. If he can’t stay to the regular times it’s likely more detrimental. Let him pursue contact although he likely won’t

Personally I'd go back to the set arrangement as opposed to him getting to pick and choose and then still mess you about - also means less need for contact with him if its a set standing arrangement. So if you say its a Wednesday and he doesn't show so be it. You can't force him to see his kids but you can limit how much he messes you about

@Slothmomma

Personally I'd go back to the set arrangement as opposed to him getting to pick and choose and then still mess you about - also means less need for contact with him if its a set standing arrangement. So if you say its a Wednesday and he doesn't show so be it. You can't force him to see his kids but you can limit how much he messes you about

I agree. I understand why you're trying the alternative way, OP, but I think it's worse, and it will get less and less workable as your DC get older and have more commitments - after school activities, playdates etc.

I woud say, "Your times for seeing the DC are Wednesdays from 3 and the 2nd & 4th Saturdays in the month from 12 (or whatever). If you are not here half an hour after you're due, I will assume you are not coming and make other arrangements for the day."

I wouldn't want to let him mess me and the kids about like that.
My ex was like this he ended up making up he was stopped contact in the end because he couldn't be bothered to see them.
Honestly when he stopped seeing them though it was the best thing, no more of my 3 year old waiting at the door for him to turn up crying that his Dad doesn't love him, it's not good for kids.
And slowly over time my child stopped talking about him, he is grown now and hasn't expressed any interest in him, he had my partner from a young age so sees him as his 'Dad' figure.

My child flourished and he's turning out so well.
Kids need consistency not some lazy, irresponsible idiot that can't even turn up to see them for a limited time.
I would offer one set day a week because that way you are giving him something to fail at doing himself so he can't blame you, where as if he can just ring when he likes and you say no they are busy he will use it as ammo saying you won't let him see them.

I would let him fade into the background.
I wouldn't ever talk about him, I would make my children secure in their family unit of 'how lucky we are that we have each other'
He's not worth it.

Well done for doing everything for your kids taking on the full responsibility without any help from that waste of air.

I think you definitely need to have a set time, but know yourself that it's unlikely to happen so you aren't disappointed and don't tell the kids. Do something that's least disruptive to you, I'd start small and make him prove he's going to be reliable. Say Monday, 4-6. Then when he's doing that reliably consider upping it.

I just cannot understand what could ever possibly be more important that seeing your children. I certainly wouldn't be pandering to his unreliability. You're trying to be fair but it's costing you, you don't owe him fairness if his children aren't a priority to him. I get it's sad for your children but unfortunately it's out of your control. You need to limit the effect it has on your life.

Thank you. Based on the advice here I have offered a set day/times and will leave it at that, I am not expecting anything and won't be mentioning it to dcs.

How long has he been letting the children down by not seeing them?

Took my ex to court over worse behaviour than this and he now hasn't seen DC in almost 18 months (his choice)

@mediumduboir pretty much their entire lives. We weren't together by the time they were born, and other than a few months when we got back together (very briefly!) he has always been inconsistent. Now that they are a bit older they will start to realise for themselves :-(

@FrankieDettol sorry to hear that. I have no idea how these men can turn their backs on their own children.

If it was me having 4 years of this I'd tell him to take me to court.

Honestly I just would ignore him from now on. If he ever shows up and you happen to be home and the kids available, cool. If he shows up or wants to show up and you're not there/have other plans, tough luck for him.

By ignore him I mean not text him, and if he texts not answer (or at least not change your plans even if he says he wants to show up)