I am scared to leave. What would you do?

Caramelwhispers · 28/02/2021 01:19

Does she live with you or near you? Has she or the other in laws threatened to harm you? If so, keep all paperwork as evidence to show the police. Are you married and are you from another culture where dil abuse is common?

Thedogscollar · 28/02/2021 01:22

Have you asked her outright why she dislikes you so much.
She sounds horrendous but I'm assuming there is a backstory.
If not then I would be very upset that my husband wasn't supporting me on what seems like a hate campaign.

AmberItsACertainty · 28/02/2021 01:30

I'm not sure what you're asking. You've titled it scared to leave. So does that mean you want to split up with your husband? Or scared to leave the room/home when your MIL is there?

What I'd do is this. I'd accept that everyone has the right to behave how they want to (within the boundaries of the law). I'd accept that I don't have to put up with anything that I choose not to. So I'd be taking my child and leaving this marriage, in the grounds that MIL is unreasonable and making my life hell and husband is happy to allow it to happen and therefore almost as bad. I wouldn't let fear of the unknown stop me leaving. I wouldn't let others opinions stop me divorcing.

If you want more specific advice I think you need to provide a bit more information about what exactly is going on. because whatever it is it's clearly horrible.

SandyY2K · 28/02/2021 01:48

I'm sure there's more to this, but this isn't normal unless she's unhinged. Does she have a history of mental illness?

sending messages, calling her entire family and ex husband to slag me off, and has sent my partner letters about me.

Can I clarify...is she calling them and slagging you off? Or calling them telling them that they should slag you off?

Original poster

Betteroffwithoutmetbh · 28/02/2021 23:03

She is calling them to slag me off and make up lies about me. She has never liked me and it got bad after I gave birth. It’s not so much her I’m bothered about, I’m used to it. But my partner not supporting me has made me resent him and now I want to leave. But I’m scared of what his family will do regarding my son, because they have said they want me out of the picture so they can have just my partner and my DS to themselves, many times.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 28/02/2021 23:15

How do you find out what she says? Does he tell you? Or do you check his phone.

If he's telling you...I question why.

Do you work? As financial means are necessary in this situation...so you're able to leave and support yourself if necessary.

He doesn't have your back.

Original poster

Betteroffwithoutmetbh · 28/02/2021 23:21

The letters I have seen because he opens them in front of me. The phone calls I have overheard. The messages I have only seen a few as I don’t check his phone. His family have called him about me, and as I am a vulnerable person I am in the house, so I have heard (we live in a small house).

OP posts:

AmberItsACertainty · 01/03/2021 01:35

@Betteroffwithoutmetbh

She is calling them to slag me off and make up lies about me. She has never liked me and it got bad after I gave birth. It’s not so much her I’m bothered about, I’m used to it. But my partner not supporting me has made me resent him and now I want to leave. But I’m scared of what his family will do regarding my son, because they have said they want me out of the picture so they can have just my partner and my DS to themselves, many times.

In that case ignore their threatening comments. It doesn't work like that. You have to be a pretty shit mother to have your child removed from your care completely. It's not upto them.

If you don't trust your husband to return the child after access then don't give him any, let him go to court to get it, then there's a court order saying how much access each of you has with DC.

Do you think your husband agrees with being resident parent and you having no access? That would surely make his life more difficult with working and most men do seem to value their careers and child-free time. Just because MIL says she wants something doesn't mean he'd go along with it. Although he tolerates MIL bullying you, he might stand up to her a bit if it's his life that's going to be taken over by her plans.

It's typical abuse tactics from your MIL. Keeping you squashed down, people-pleasing to try to keep the peace and not antagonise her. She's trying to control you with making you feel you've got no choice but to stay and at the same time tolerate the family treating you badly. Maybe she does genuinely want to get rid of you, but every bully needs a victim, so she could secretly be wanting you around for that role.

I'm not surprised you resent your husband, he's taking a part in the family's poor treatment of you. For him to let them treat you that way it's the same as saying he doesn't respect you himself. Fly free and find your relief from this toxic environment. Don't let this family's negativity stop you from living your best life. After you leave I suggest you go NC with the family and talk to your husband only about co-parenting topics. If it's not related to DC then it's not a conversation you need to have.

TheChip · 01/03/2021 01:51

She sounds extremely jealous and bitter. Is he her only child or only son, and does she have a husband?

I'm sorry you are going through this and not having support from your DH. He really does need to grow a back bone to help you! Her behaviour is abusive and awful. He is wrong for allowing it, but I wonder if he is afraid of her?

Sapho47 · 01/03/2021 03:28

@Betteroffwithoutmetbh

She is calling them to slag me off and make up lies about me. She has never liked me and it got bad after I gave birth. It’s not so much her I’m bothered about, I’m used to it. But my partner not supporting me has made me resent him and now I want to leave. But I’m scared of what his family will do regarding my son, because they have said they want me out of the picture so they can have just my partner and my DS to themselves, many times.

Yeah but what she's doing is so far outside normal behaviour everyone is dismissing it right?

I mean what nutter writes letters to thier family members telling them to call her daughter in law.

Wha t lies is she saying?

WineInTheWillows · 01/03/2021 03:40

Hmm. I see what you mean, OP- if he has PR and he doesn't return your kid after access you've got hell on trying to get him back.

I think you can get an order put in place that says the child legally must be returned to you but can't remember the name of it- someone on here probably knows? I'd go for that on the basis that threats have already been made to try and withhold your son from you, before you let them have any access at all, so that if he doesn't return your son you can have the police do it.

Is he a foreign national? I only ask because if he takes them from the country it can be a real struggle to have them returned.

Caramelwhispers · 01/03/2021 06:27

Is there someone you can trust to tell them about your situation? You mention that you are vulnerable, are you seeing a counsellor/ therapist or health care professional? If so can you speak to them about it or your health visitor if you still have one. Tell them you feel vulnerable and you have fears your child might be kidnapped by your husband & his family.

Apply for a passport for your son and give it to your family to safeguard. This way your husband can't apply for one himself without cancelling the first one. Which he cannot because you've got the paperwork for it. He can't leave the country without your baby.

You need to decide whether you want to bring up your child in this toxic family or move nearer to your own family for support. Call women's aid as they can advise you on your options.

Clear cookies on your Internet browser after you've been on mn or any organisations that can help you. You don't want to alert your dh about your plans.

Take copies of your husband's bank details, wage slips, important financial paperwork and keep it somewhere safe. You will need it to claim maintenance if you decide to leave him.

I'd mention your kidnapping fears to your family. They can't stand by and do nothing, that's being a bit shit.

Weirdfan · 01/03/2021 07:17

Yes WineInTheWillows is right, it's a Prohibited Steps Order you would need OP. I'd give Women's Aid a call, they can talk you through the best ways to protect yourself and DS

WineInTheWillows · 01/03/2021 14:30

Thank you @Weirdfan, that's it. Couldn't remember it for the life of me!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/03/2021 14:59

My partner not supporting me has made me resent him and now I want to leave

I don't blame you at all; with his help there might have been a way out of this, but without it you're stymied

Is there a cultural difference involved here? It shouldn't make any difference of course, but if there is and you feel able to say, it might help in getting better advice

CSIblonde · 01/03/2021 15:07

Letters? On top of texts/calls? I'd intercept the letters so you know what you're dealing with. Is it unhinged gibberish or laying out in writing how she intends to get your son & DH "to herself"? Or, are they threats to you ? ( Photocopy for ammunition if so, you 'opened it in error'). If it's gibberish I'd just bin them in future & claim no knowledge. Decide whether you want to stay with your unsupportive husband & if your family would have you stay as a temporary measure if you did leave. It doesn't sound like you feel you can just do an ignore the mad bint approach & soldier on tbh. You sound overly intimidated. She's got no leg to stand on re her or your DH getting sole custody of your child. Have you tried killing her with kindness? How would she react?

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 01/03/2021 15:51

You need a good solicitor.
Get residency of your son, so he can't take him and leave him with his family or refuse to give him back.
Get all the info you can about everything and send it smewhere safe like a family member you can trust. Bank details, his and yours, mortgage details, wages slips, Birth certificates and passports, copies of the vile stuff she sends about you especially ones that go on about getting rid of you and only having him and the baby around.
Maybe speak to him in text about it next time she sends stuff. Ask when he's going to do something, why does she do this, why doesn't he care enough to back you up. Then you have in writing his llack of care about her threats.

Porcupineintherough · 01/03/2021 17:22

If you take your MiL out of the picture, what is your relationship with your dh like? Because you could just ignore her, which it sounds like he is doing.

StoneofDestiny · 01/03/2021 17:48

Exactly - is your partner great in every other way?