How can I help her?

[AlizeeEasy]

Hi

A bit of background. DM is everything to me, she’s my best friend and she does not have a nasty bone in her body.

She does have undiagnosed mental health issues that she refuses to seek help for. It severely affects her moods and she has some really down days. Sometimes on those days she will reach out to me for support. I am fine with this, I know I am the only person she speaks to about this.

Last night got really bad. We were messaging each other until nearly 2am. She admitted that she had attempted to self harm, which she has never done before. She was really spiralling and I did everything I could to calm her down. Eventually I was able to and she said she was going to bed. I barely slept and have been very teary as I am so worried that one day she might really hurt herself. One of the things she said last night was that if it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t know what to do, and that she supposes she really would hurt herself. I feel that is putting a lot of pressure on me to always be there, which I can’t guarantee.

I messaged her today asking how she is and I was really uneasy about her response. She is perfectly fine! Right as rain, in fact. I feel so utterly drained as if I dreamed the whole of last night, except I have the messages to prove it! I’ve asked her to seek professional help, but she said no. I’m at such a loss as to what to do. Or even if there is a point, if I spend all night trying to help, only for it to be forgotten the next day. I don’t mean that in a dementia sense, she knows exactly what happened last night, she is just denying the seriousness of it.

I don’t know what I am erxpecting from this thread, maybe a and hold, or advice if any one has been in a similar situation?

Thanks

Bump

I really feel for you. This is not fair at all. I have no advice, sorry

Unfortunately you cant help someone who won't help themselves op. She is using you as a crutch which is completely unhealthy. How long are you together op?

Is this a pattern - she messages you in a state then is breezy fine the next day?

My advice would be to take a step back from being her sounding board.

Its easy when someone is feeling that way to feel you need to give them your undivided attention, and to show them how much they mean to you etc.
This is also easily used time and time again by the person feeling low as a quick pick me up.

I'm not saying she is deliberately doing it to get you to do this, but if she knows it will make her feel better then it's far easier to do that than it would be to get help elsewhere.

Its not fair of her to put this on to you. I would let her know how it makes you feel and that as much as you're there to support her, you would like her to meet you halfway and seek professional help as you are not the therapist she is using you as.

@Purplewithred

Is this a pattern - she messages you in a state then is breezy fine the next day?

This is the first time she has had this sort of response. Normally she messages me the next day apologising, saying how guilty she feels for putting this on me etc. I was fully expecting something like that today which is why I was so astounded at how breezy she was

@TheChip

My advice would be to take a step back from being her sounding board.

Its easy when someone is feeling that way to feel you need to give them your undivided attention, and to show them how much they mean to you etc.
This is also easily used time and time again by the person feeling low as a quick pick me up.

I'm not saying she is deliberately doing it to get you to do this, but if she knows it will make her feel better then it's far easier to do that than it would be to get help elsewhere.

Its not fair of her to put this on to you. I would let her know how it makes you feel and that as much as you're there to support her, you would like her to meet you halfway and seek professional help as you are not the therapist she is using you as.

I do agree, I have fallen into the trap of not establishing boundaries. My problem is because I know she won’t talk to anyone else, professional or otherwise, it feels like if I try and take a step back then she will just be left to fend on her own. So we have just developed this unhealthy relationship, where I have some sort of saviour complex and she is reliant on me. I know I need to break the cycle, I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to

Next time she does it, just send back a number for mental health services/samaritans etc etc and explain that she needs to seek professional support. Rinse and repeat. Your relationship is completely inappropriate.

You cannot sacrifice your health for the sake of hers. Tell her this when she is feeling 'fine' she needs to seek professional help. I'm not callous, but I've been where you are

I'm so sorry, it's really horrible when you have to support a parent this way. I can empathise, as I grew up just me and my mum, and she had depression and alcohol issues, and like you mum, wouldn't talk to anyone else about this. It was a lot to deal with, and I did have to take a step back, Altho this was easier as I lived away from home by then.

You really cannot change someone, and unless they want to accept their issues and seek help themselves, there is not much you can do. I don't have much advice. Maybe try and find some counselling for yourself to help you work through your feelings about this and find a way to support your mum, which removing yourself as her crutch. It's not fair on you, and she is a grown adult. She needs to learn to be responsible for herself, and it's not your fault if she won't. I still feel guilty that I couldn't "fix" my mum and help her more, and she's been dead 5 years now. At the end of the day tho, we can only be responsible for ourselves and our own life choices, and it's not your job to support your mum, to your own detriment