Telling my son he can’t go and hang around with the adults

[J333gr]

My 10 year old ds has really taken a liking to the neighbours. There are 3 of them all in their 40s who sit outside distancing chatting and having beers. He will deliberately ask to go out on his bike when their outside and will just end up lingering around them. He’s having a total meltdown because I’ve told him he needs to leave them as they are enjoying adult conversations and may not want him there.

it’s really hard to explain why to him without hurting his feelings. He thinks I’m just horrible and doing it to upset him

You don’t want him around drunk/tipsy strangers? Can’t be that hard, surely?

No he can’t really. I mean stopping and speaking to them is fine of course but hanging around is a bit much. I can relate though. I always liked the company of sidled when I was a kid and had better conversations with them than I did kids. I used to speak to all the neighbours!

I'd ask them before telling him he can't. They might genuinely not mind. It's an awful lonely time for everyone at the moment; if a neighbour's kid wanted to pootle around while I was chatting to other neighbours, and they were a good kid not causing trouble, it wouldn't bother me at all.

I remember the same for my son when he was younger - always wanting to be playing with older kids, not recognising he didn’t have a chance if becoming a long term friend and he needed to concentrate on people his own age.

Talk him through how he would feel if he was with his mates and a two year wanted to join in.

It would be ok once but if every time you met them the two year old came, it would be annoying, stop them doing what they wanted to do.

Hopefully he would then see that this is the same.

As a child I loved sitting with adults at our large family gatherings . The other children found it boring but I would stay quiet and listen. They often forgot I was there and I heard loads of interesting stuff.

I think it's a bit sad that a kid isn't allowed to chat to the neighbours. He and they are both part of a community. I used to stop on my bike and chat to the old lady doing her front garden when I was his age. I think it's fair to say to him that he can't invite himself there the whole time because they will want to have grown up chat, but I don't think it's bad per se. Can you talk to them and ask if he's being a bit much and would they like you to call him in?

This is all assuming that you don't have safeguarding concerns etc, but that is a different question. Obviously we are more aware now that when I was young but I think we have to keep things balanced. Human beings benefit from interaction with each other and stuff like this makes you a part of where you live. Especially in the current times where you say he's struggling with the isolation.

@StrawberrySquash I really don’t mind him stopping for a 5 min chat every now and then, but the thing is as soon as he sees them set their chair up he’s out there and doesn’t believe that they might not want kids around. He’ll ride his bike near them and gradually worm himself in

Wholly inappropriate. I wouldn’t worry to much about hurting his feelings. He needs to understand it’s just not the done thing. It doesn’t need sugar coating.

Def stop him , they won't want him there but are probably being polite .. I have to stop my son hanging around near other kids or adults ..

@MMMarmite

I'd ask them before telling him he can't. They might genuinely not mind. It's an awful lonely time for everyone at the moment; if a neighbour's kid wanted to pootle around while I was chatting to other neighbours, and they were a good kid not causing trouble, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Don’t do that! That’s unfairly putting them on the spot.

I can’t fully picture what’s happening. So he rides his bike up and down and then what? Just sits and stares at them?!

OP, you sound extremely passive. You’re obviously unhappy about his behaviour, so prevent him doing it, it’s that simple.

Why dont you talk to them, and ask them to keep their interactions with him short? Explain that you dont want him bothering them, but he has taken an shine to them. My neighbours grandchildren developed a fascination for me at one point, and we just had a deal that they could not come into my garden and hang out with me unless they had told their parents first, and I wouldnt engage for very long before sending them home. It was nice to chat to them, and they seemed to enjoy it too. I think it is a real shame that the way we live means that children dont have more interactions with other adults - I understand the reasons of course, but think it is a real pity that we cant live in that 'it takes a village' way still.

Why dont you talk to them, and ask them to keep their interactions with him short?

It’s not their job to manage his behaviour.

Does he have any special needs? It's surprising that he's s having a meltdown a 10yrs and that he doesn't understand what you're telling him?

He'll be at secondary school soon and needs to realise that the much older teens there won't want him tagging along.

Just tell him the neighbours want grown up time outside and stop bothering them.

As others have said, it's tricky when most children his age are bored to death but be firm with this "rule" you're giving him.

Bless him. I'd tell him he can go and say hi and have a chat for 10 minutes but then he has to come back in because they are having adult conversation.

@MMMarmite

I'd ask them before telling him he can't. They might genuinely not mind. It's an awful lonely time for everyone at the moment; if a neighbour's kid wanted to pootle around while I was chatting to other neighbours, and they were a good kid not causing trouble, it wouldn't bother me at all.

You wouldn't mind a stranger's child sat there listening as you have an adult conversation with your husband and friends? It's not really adult drinks any more, it turns into family friendly catch up as you wait for him to go home.

He sounds a lovely lad and it's very sweet but he won't be wanted. I'm sure they wouldn't mind a five minute chat with him but it sounds like he's circling his bike for a while before honing in.

It's not appropriate, it's not fair, it's not safe etc. Best to distract him or just tell him outright.

I'd feel awfully put on the spot if someone asked me that and would feel obliged to say yes.

intheenddoesitreallymatter genuinely I wouldn't mind. But I don't have kids yet, maybe once you're a parent you're sick of kids and just want adult time?? I have plenty of adult time, all the time.

But I don't have kids yet, maybe once you're a parent you're sick of kids and just want adult time?? I have plenty of adult time, all the time.

I’m not sick of kids but I don’t want to socialise with ten year olds I don’t know.

If a kid wanted to poodle around us I really wouldn't mind

I think the point is that op's son is drawn to any groups of adults and wants to join in.

He needs to understand that he's not allowed to. Some groups of adults socialising may be kind (like you) others (for example a few men boozing in a park or older teens at a skate park or something) might not be. He might be laughed at, teased or even taken advantage of.

He needs to learn not to approach adults like this hoping to "join in".

They'll tell him to hurry a long if he is annoying them.
He'll be back at school soon.
Make sure he is safe, distract when you can it'll pass.
I went on holidays with a friend and her 10y.o years ago, her child went by every sun bed daily to have a chat with the adults it was off season not many DC.

@Franpan

Why dont you talk to them, and ask them to keep their interactions with him short?

It’s not their job to manage his behaviour.

That is not what I was saying, but it was not a problem for me to do this and may help OP to manage this situation.