Rebuilding trust

[Tropicalparadise75]

In the early days of dating my dh lied about being in contact with his ex and showed me messages, one of which said he was thinking about her (watching a programme about her line of work). I had asked him months before if he was in contact with ex and he said no. I was in contact with my ex and told him and was open about meet ups etc (as friends) There was no obvious flirting on his text but I was pregnant by this time and it spun me into turmoil. In unpregnant circumstances I have zero tolerance for lies etc and would have left. I felt trapped. I decided to carry on anyway because I loved him and wanted a family for our child. He’s a good looking guy and often when we go out or he’s out alone - I’ll see girls flirting with him and one time his mate told me a girl was asking after him ( apparently they hadn’t spoken and she’d seen him from afar) I’ve always felt when he gets drunk my trust is under the most pressure and it’s got to the point where I’m nervous when he goes out drinking heavily.
However, this is three years later - I find myself questioning when he goes out and gets dressed up and makes an effort to shave etc to go somewhere like the park with our ds. I’m starting to feel like I’m becoming controlling and obsessed.
He’s a great husband aside from this, he couldn’t put us first more if he tried. He would do anything for us.
We did have counselling but unbelievably the counsellor started hitting on him ! It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced.
I’ve got my own mental health challenges due to other reasons and I’m just tired of feeling like this.
My past boyfriends have had female best friends, flat shared with women etc and I’ve had no issues because they never (as far I knew) lied to me.
I do want to just wipe the trust issue out because we have a wonderful family when I don’t get triggered by it

Bump

Hi tropical
It’s not clear to me about the timeline here-
You started dating, you asked him if in contact with ex, months later you found out he lied about that, at which point you were pregnant?
Then you went on and married and this was three years ago?

Is that right?

If it wasn’t romantic and there’s been nothing to indicate he is being underhand with ex or anyone else, then I think you are overthinking this a bit.

I know what you mean, my DP is very goodlooking and women (and men) flirt, react to him. I’ve even been sitting in a bar with him and some woman at another table sent him a drink....!

So I know it happens, and I’m secretly insecure re him because I think one day because he CAN pull someone else he will. And he’s the most trustworthy straightforward man imaginable. So I do understand you have some evidence he can lie, and he has opportunities to cheat if he wants to, so you have doubts.

But the most important thing is what does he say, and do, NOW. You say he’s a great husband. Does he show love, and prioritise you both? Does he focus on your DS when he’s out with him, do you worry he’s not looking out for him because he’s flirting? Or is that actually very unlikely?

If he isn’t reacting to the flirting, if he jokes about it with you, if he tells you and shows you he loves you and hasn’t given you any vibes that he’s straying, then I think you need to try and put these feelings aside. Not easy, I know, but it’s about recognising what the triggers are and having a strategy prepared. Can you stop asking twenty questions and instead tell him to have a great time when he goes out, give him a kiss and say you’ll miss him, maybe flirt a bit? Turn the insecurity into a ‘remember what you’re lucky enough to have right here?’ so you’re on his mind in a good way?

Can you talk to him in a calm moment, just say that you’re struggling a bit with this, this is about how you FEEL though, not about what he’s doing/not doing, emphasise that. Has he ever explained why he lied in the first instance? How does he feel about the flirting? How did he feel about the counsellor’s behaviour? My DP was irritated by the drink offer - he says it’s not just women who feel objectified and hassled when they get unwanted attention - it’s just less acceptable to say so, and the mates aren’t going to sympathise!

@ItsAllAboutTheParsley thank you so much for your reply. I feel like we are kindred spirits with the same issue ! It’s nice to have someone who understands. Without the deception I would be a bit insecure about all the attention but think I could handle. It’s just the deception on top.
I have tried the being cool about it approach but end up stressed if he’s late back , I start getting annoyed as i feel like it’s breaking trust again. Like he says he’ll be back at 12 and then it’s 3am and no text and not back.
We have talked a lot about it. He says he did it as i was blowing hot and cold about the relationship and he didn’t know what was going on (this is true to a degree but then why seek out an ex for some kind of comfort ??) also why lie about it. He doesn’t have a good explanation. He doesn’t really think too much about people flirting with him - he seems a bit unaware and unbothered. The counsellor he laughed about ( she actually said to me I must be happy to have such a good looking man on my arm )
You sound like you’re dealing with things better than me ? How are you doing it?
Ps your timeline is right x

I’m lucky that DP was a friend first - so I knew all about his past and his last relationship was pretty toxic. He moved away so geographically not near her and was a bit of a slapper so nothing serious for a while before I decided I ‘liked him’ liked him.

She cheated on him, so he’s not someone who takes infidelity lightly. He just told me he wouldn’t cheat. He’s more worried about me running off - as if! But insecurity isn’t logical is it?
Your DH too! You were blowing cold so he wanted someone who’d bolster his sexual self esteem, but not actually available, I’ll bet! No logic and only grief from that choice but when we’re insecure....

DP’s friendly and talks to people, he’s very charming and knows it. So sometimes a person thinks he’s flirting when I know he’d be exactly the same with their granny.... he knows I’d be out of there if he did cheat, he would too if it were me cheating so I guess we are clear on the red lines.

I deal with it by reminding myself
If he cheats, he loses me. He knows that.
I’m actually worth having. He doesn’t think he’s slumming or doing me a favour.
He loves me. He’s a grown man, he knows what he wants. I can only control my actions not his. I trust him because by his actions I have no reason not to.

I do understand in your shoes you have that deception, so I can understand it’s harder for you. But please give it the weight it deserves, no more, no less.

If it was a few messages, at a specific point in your relationship, and they weren’t asking for romantic contact, and he hasn’t done it again? And he has lied to you about this sort of contact once at the beginning of your relationship?
What weight does that have to set against three years of love, a DS, marriage and someone who you say puts you first always? I’m not saying minimise it but don’t make it more important than all those actions and choices either.

Yes it was wrong, but try and see it as a positive - you’re stronger because you know what he did, what you won’t accept, and so does he. You’ve weathered this. You are not trapped, you are the one who forgave. He’s the lucky one Tropic.

Aww thanks so much, it’s really helped to have your views ❤️ I’ve screen shot them so I can read them back when I’m feeling insecure again ! We’ve gone through a lot of trauma in the last few years and due to those reasons I don’t feel great about myself etc it doesn’t help. I hope when we move passed these, it will help my self esteem and that in turn will make me focus less on worries like these.
Deep down, I don’t think he’d honestly make the mistake again as he’s definitely suffered for it and knows that if he actually cheated I’d be gone ( no doubts there for him!)
Thanks again x

I can't tell you that trust comes back fully. Wish it did but for me it hasn't yet.

My DH cheated on me 10 years ago. By which I mean lots of flirty messages, meeting up for drinks and kissing, possibly more that I don't know about.

His excuses mean that I sort of understand why he did it but because he did do it and lied I know that he is capable of those things.

I decided to continue the relationship and forgave him. He was a model and actor at the time and left that industry which did help me with trusting more. And we've been happy. But I'd never put it past him to cheat or lie to me and honestly sometimes it's really hard to live with. Even now, I'm early 30s and it often pops in my mind that he'll leave me for someone at some point. He's got it in him to be deceptive, to lie to my face. Swear on my life etc etc.

What happened was such a trivial thing really, but it changed everything.

I agree with you Betty. It’s the fact you know they have it in them to lie to your face, when asked direct questions. It’s like you see another whole side to them. Do you feel you are mostly over it or do you think you never will be? How do you live with it ? X

I'm over what he did. I can't even remember the woman's name which really is saying something as I thought about her often after I first found out.

But I will never fully trust him again. Not 100 %, probably no more than 50% tbh. It is hanging over me in the decisions I make. For example, I've not taken full maternity leave as I know I may need as much pension as possible in my later years if / when I am alone. It's awful, putting it like that! I hope you are better at learning to re-trust than I have been.

@Housing101 yes that’s how I feel. I always have one eye on the exit and how I will cope. For instance, I’ve never been a sahm to ensure I had work to fall back on. Perhaps, it’s good to protect yourself in a relationship any way but I don’t feel it’s healthy to do it for the reasons we are