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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

totally struggling and feel desperate.. help?!

8 replies

as141 · 27/02/2021 11:24

Background for context:

  1. Have a good job (not necessarily great pay..) but this has meant years of hard slog, long hours and prioritising career over anything else which has resulted in missing social opportunities/smaller social circles.
  2. Have a long term partner (lived together for years) in a similar area of work who has been there for most of these years of hard graft and has recently had to move to another city due to work - making it a LDR.

So theres been a change of living circumstances for both of us, with him in a young professionals houseshare and me with a family member (which has been a challenge in itself, got on fine from a distance, now in eachothers personal space is proving to be tricky as we live our lives very differently) meanwhile DP is with strangers so bit more freedom than close family member(+partner) whose feelings/opinions I care about and hence trying to live by their terms. Due to bubbling rules, not able to meet up with my DP.

In this time, also had a slight change in job role to a much more stressful environment working closely with a colleague who narrates each action/thinks outloud constantly. Also some stressful work-related politics that I wont go into as don't want to make this thread about that. Actual work itself is demanding in hours and requires a lot of work/prep put in outside of work hours but overall is somewhat enjoyable and needs to be done to progress.

I'm left feeling low all the time. Wake up in the morning, not wanting to go to work (since this change in role).. counting down the hours, relieved as it approaches 6pm, its a fair commute home but then overwhelmed by issues at home making me not look forward to arriving. Get home, have work-related work to do/ pressure from deadlines whilst also needing to fit in cooking/cleaning/foodshop which normally would be done on my terms but having to live differently. Have about 2-3 hours max/night to get everything done.

No date in sight for when DP and I can meet again or for when family member+partner are moving away (this overlap wasn't supposed to happen but covid has caused delays).

2 months ago around Christmas I was absolutely fine, loved my old job role, lived with DP, life was good despite lockdown living. Everything has turned upside down. Feeling miserable and desperate but can't see a way out. Wouldn't do anything silly but have had some dark mental health thoughts.

Unsure how to seek help. Don't want to drag the few friends that I do have down (have vented occasionally but they can't help and don't want to be someone that comes across as constantly miserable). Have older parents with own health problems etc who I absolutely do not want to burden. This has meant more DP gets the brunt of it, feels helpless and its a neverending circle.

Last night was another one where I found myself in tears, hopeless. We send brief messages through the day but only get a chance to facetime perhaps weekly. I offloaded somewhat, he made (what seemed to me like) unhelpful suggestions and called it a night. I was awake and alone with my dark thoughts, in the height of emotions messaged to say if he can't be there when I am low then not to speak to me for the rest of the weekend. Ofcourse today I am not getting any response. I asked for this didn't I... the one person I could turn to, I have pushed away. I have tried and tried to reach out, still receiving the silent treatment. Any advice what I should do? and sorry this was so long!

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 27/02/2021 11:29

It all sounds very stressful for you. I think you need to move out of the family member's house first of all. Can you move out to a house share yourself?

Can you move back to the previous role at work that you enjoyed?

Ring your partner and explain your feelings again.

I hope you get something sorted, but you need to take steps to change one thing at a time or nothing will change.

as141 · 27/02/2021 11:52

@OwlinaTree

It all sounds very stressful for you. I think you need to move out of the family member's house first of all. Can you move out to a house share yourself?

Can you move back to the previous role at work that you enjoyed?

Ring your partner and explain your feelings again.

I hope you get something sorted, but you need to take steps to change one thing at a time or nothing will change.

I live an expensive southern city, the only positive at the moment is cheap living costs where I am. If I was to move out, I'd be breaking even with no savings at the end of each month. The current situation wont be permanent - family member will be moving soon (no date yet) and probably get another young professional tenant in which should be easier as we'll be strangers.

Can't go back to prev role. It's sort of like a conveyor belt, I'm onto the next thing which also isn't permanent (6months - 1 year) and needs to be done to progress.

DP isn't responding to calls from this morning. I don't know how to play it now. I need his support for sure but feel angry that he's giving me the silent treatment so don't want to call and let the anger show yet that is how I feel right now but at the same time I understand I stupidly asked for this, not realising this is more painful. I said it last night because I felt hurt that he could end the call and go to sleep while I knew I'd be teary/hurt/hopeless for hours to come.

Thank you for responding.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 27/02/2021 12:21

To be honest it sounds as if your DP can’t cope with being your sounding board for all your misery all the time. If he won’t take your call now then message and apologise and accept you are asking too much. It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday, he probably wants to enjoy that for a short while.

Your situation is tough but you have to find a way to manage things without dragging him down with you. Of course you can ask for his support but it has to be alongside some nice conversations, making plans for the future, chatting about other stuff.

If you are depressed look at ways to help yourself if possible. I hope things improve for you. For now try to get outside and have a few hours of headspace that doesn’t involve work or world worries.

as141 · 27/02/2021 12:30

@MatildaTheCat thanks for replying.
You're right it cant be much fun being my partner rn.

I've not been moping today. Obviously was upset this morning when he didnt respond to messages or calls. Since then, I've cooked a few bits and got a lovely slowcooked lamb dish on the go. So I can get my head down and get some work done the rest of the weekend.
It is a beautiful day, I might go for a run later.

Nobody would suspect I feel the way I do, from the outside I probably look like I've got shit together, live a happy life etc. I'm quite sociable and people probably think I have a great life.

OP posts:
BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 27/02/2021 12:34

Your initial problem with DP should be easy to solve, you send a message saying you are sorry that you pushed him away, you snapped because you are a bit overwhelmed at the moment and it would be good to talk. The life situation is one of balance. If you want something to change, you will have to change something.

as141 · 27/02/2021 12:42

@BeautifulandWilfulandDead

Right now I don't know if I can apologise as I'm not sure if I am sorry - I think its a bit cruel that he is giving the silent treatment knowing how difficult things are at the moment. I also don't know whether he'll respond even if I do apologise, then what? I'll feel like I've laid all my cards on the table for nothing. Also, it's not like I can just go over with lockdown/the distance etc.

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 27/02/2021 12:54

@as141 I agree.

Don't apologise if you're not sorry. Leave it for a bit. Make the most of the lovely day. I'm so sorry that you're feeling low- it does feel like a backward step to have gone from living together to now not. Sorry if I've missed it in your posts- what is the longer term plan for living back together again?

as141 · 27/02/2021 13:31

@mildlymiffed - thank you for the reply.

We are in these houseshare/living with family arrangements as opposed to each getting a rented place of our own in order to save to buy a house together (likely in my city as its cheaper of the two). He will be working away Monday-Friday until gets a closer transfer.

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