Background for context:
- Have a good job (not necessarily great pay..) but this has meant years of hard slog, long hours and prioritising career over anything else which has resulted in missing social opportunities/smaller social circles.
- Have a long term partner (lived together for years) in a similar area of work who has been there for most of these years of hard graft and has recently had to move to another city due to work - making it a LDR.
So theres been a change of living circumstances for both of us, with him in a young professionals houseshare and me with a family member (which has been a challenge in itself, got on fine from a distance, now in eachothers personal space is proving to be tricky as we live our lives very differently) meanwhile DP is with strangers so bit more freedom than close family member(+partner) whose feelings/opinions I care about and hence trying to live by their terms. Due to bubbling rules, not able to meet up with my DP.
In this time, also had a slight change in job role to a much more stressful environment working closely with a colleague who narrates each action/thinks outloud constantly. Also some stressful work-related politics that I wont go into as don't want to make this thread about that. Actual work itself is demanding in hours and requires a lot of work/prep put in outside of work hours but overall is somewhat enjoyable and needs to be done to progress.
I'm left feeling low all the time. Wake up in the morning, not wanting to go to work (since this change in role).. counting down the hours, relieved as it approaches 6pm, its a fair commute home but then overwhelmed by issues at home making me not look forward to arriving. Get home, have work-related work to do/ pressure from deadlines whilst also needing to fit in cooking/cleaning/foodshop which normally would be done on my terms but having to live differently. Have about 2-3 hours max/night to get everything done.
No date in sight for when DP and I can meet again or for when family member+partner are moving away (this overlap wasn't supposed to happen but covid has caused delays).
2 months ago around Christmas I was absolutely fine, loved my old job role, lived with DP, life was good despite lockdown living. Everything has turned upside down. Feeling miserable and desperate but can't see a way out. Wouldn't do anything silly but have had some dark mental health thoughts.
Unsure how to seek help. Don't want to drag the few friends that I do have down (have vented occasionally but they can't help and don't want to be someone that comes across as constantly miserable). Have older parents with own health problems etc who I absolutely do not want to burden. This has meant more DP gets the brunt of it, feels helpless and its a neverending circle.
Last night was another one where I found myself in tears, hopeless. We send brief messages through the day but only get a chance to facetime perhaps weekly. I offloaded somewhat, he made (what seemed to me like) unhelpful suggestions and called it a night. I was awake and alone with my dark thoughts, in the height of emotions messaged to say if he can't be there when I am low then not to speak to me for the rest of the weekend. Ofcourse today I am not getting any response. I asked for this didn't I... the one person I could turn to, I have pushed away. I have tried and tried to reach out, still receiving the silent treatment. Any advice what I should do? and sorry this was so long!