To ask what's your confrontation style?

[Sunshine3013]

Just wondering really.

I've always been very expressive.. and have prided myself on it as I've seen myself as very truthful and direct. If you piss me off you will know as I'll tell you.
But as I've got older I've realised that's not always the best way as when small things arise you can just let it pass and after a while you realise it wasn't such a biggie anyway...
I'm referring to confrontation style in romantic relationships really...

I used to be like that as a teen and early 20s. I stopped at about 25 though as it's not helpful.

Now, if I don't like something someone else has done, I avoid them completely.

If I like them as a person and it's a small thing I will usually ignore it...if I don't like them that much then I don't have anything more to do with them.

Simple, clean, easy.

I think it depends on the subject and context. Circling around an issue and being passive aggressive certainly isn’t helpful to anyone, but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar as they say - and how you frame something/language + tone you use can make a difference to how well it goes. Also depends on how that person communicates too.

But I agree picking you battles is important! Some things are just easier to let go.

It really depends on so many factors. How abhorrent did I find their statement, how important is the relationship, what do I need from the relationship, how important is it to me or the world that I express my disagreement, etc., I'm a diplomat by nature so I'm always looking at the function and purpose of communication.

I avoid it where possible. I hate confrontation. I blush, my neck and chest go all blotchy and red, my head can’t think straight and my words don’t come out right and I get emotional. So yeah, eyes down, head down, get out of there sharpish

I tend to avoid confrontation

I try to envisage how will i feel about the situation/person thats annoying me, in an hour, in a day, in a week, in a month and so on if i were to do nothing. Usually looking forward , i find my anger subsides and that it doesnt matter as much as i think it does in the moment.
Although, if you do say something to a friend, then those words can never be unsaid, and things can get worse.

Bumping

Good idea about envisaging.....

I tend to let it fester till it bubbles up. Not recommended.

I used to be similar to you but would always end up looking like the bad guy (in work and personal relationships).

I go down a questioning route now rather than an accusing one to try and see their point of view. Ask then what their intentions were but also explain how I felt.

"Can you explain what you meant when you said x?"
"When you did x it made me feel x. Was that your intention?"

Allows you to express how you didn't like how you were treated but don't look aggressive doing so. I also can see the other person's point of view.

@Andbearsohmy that's a good way to do it.

DH hates arguments and I've learnt to tone down my style (I'm more volatile than him) so we never argue. We do raise things if we're not happy though. It's mainly about the tone of voice I think - calm and factual, even humorous if possible.

Its situational - my natural style is full on and loud but modified by experience

"" Can you explain what you meant when you said x?"
"When you did x it made me feel x. Was that your intention?""

I'm in a new relationship, but we've known each other for two years. The second one is a struggle because you've got to reveal vulnerability. I'm using sarcasm more than I like, until I've had a drink and then I'm blunt and to the point. So it's a fact finding mission, without admitting what has and why it's upset me.

Think about what you want to achiileve and how things will turn out beforehand. A bit like chess, think two steps ahead. I have a friend who manages to be likeable and amusing even while arguing and that’s changed how I react. I tend to ignore sulkers and screamers or people clearly trying to get a rise. My partner is quite calm and has “talks”

I react in the moment by saying something, then end up feeling terrible about it for the rest of the day. Overthinking it until I wish I'd never said anything in the first place.

Example: I'm a runner and have spent a year now going out of my way, running into roads to give people loads of space. Trying to be as courteous as possible. Only to be met with arseholes who don't acknowledge/thank/who take up the whole path. Anyway, I can live with that and have never said anything. But the other day, I watched as a woman and her dog were on the other side of a main road waiting to cross. Looked straight at me (running on the path) crossed the road and onto the path straight in front of me. Her on one side and the dog on an extendable lead stretching to the other side. I had to stop dead. All I said was "really?!". She just looked at me in shock and I ran on. One word I said to her but still felt terrible for the rest of the day.

I need confrontation lessons. But then is it actually worth saying anything 99% of the time? Mostly not.

@testingtimesheet I like chess connotation. I indeed think it's better to think about what you want to achieve and if saying something is worth it or not before you speak. My husband and I in our early year's would argue a lot as we are both quite hot-headed. But with time I realised when I don't instantly express myself or I do it with thought and patience (let the moment pass then think if it needs to be discussed and do so at the best time) it results in a much better outcome and avoids lots of unnecessary arguments.

We’ve all done it! Speak in anger and you might win the battle but you lose the war. It certainly takes training to not just get angry though. The only time I get hot headed now is when the kids are hitting each other and I need to scare them out of damaging each other

Yes it does take training. I've found having a diary app helpful. I write things down and then reflect before I act. But I'm still guilty of sometimes reacting in the moment especially if I'm PMS'ing. And I always reflect back and feel shit.

My ex was 'expressive' and I found it to be very aggressive.
Mines a bit sulky tbh which is no better but I actually find it difficult/ daunting to address things if I'm really upset about them, so i think that's where it comes from

I only confront if its worth it to me. If its someone who i don't much care about i just cease to have anything to do with that person.
If its someone I'm close to, I'll keep quiet unless its part of a bigger issue, then I'll be quite direct and I'm sorry to say a bit, shape up or move the fuck on.
I don't have patience anymore for anyone fucking around in my life.

Preferably avoided through communicating properly in the first place. But if it can't be avoided, being matter of fact and not accusatory.

Bloody hard work when your DP interprets any question as the opening salvo of World War Three, so wants to leap into a Fallout Shelter for the next hundred years rather than use words like 'Yes', 'No', 'top shelf of the fridge' or 'I'm starting at 7.30am on Monday', though.

Can't be arsed with games or shouting. Just talk. I don't have to like what you say, but I'd rather hear it than fanny about for 3 hours trying to work out what you're deliberately not saying in that disjointed word salad. It's got to the point now where (as business is not good thanks to the Plague), once he starts not saying something after work, remembers he needs a drink of water, remembers he needs the toilet, remembers he needs another glass of water, asks if I need a cup of tea, decides to feed the cats, I will usually end up asking 'Do you still have a job?'. He manages to say 'Yes' occasionally, at which point, I'm no longer worried about what he's going to say and reply 'Cool. What's up, then?'

I'm a diplomat by nature
I actually read that as "doormat"!