to think it wouldbenice if ex dh, had actually sat dd5 down and told her is getting married, rather than it all going on around her??

[Piratechnic]

Brief history, divorced since march this yr, he left us in 2005.

He hooked up with new g freind after 5 weeks of this.

He has been an arse to me ever since, and drops in and out of dd's kife when he wants to. DD isnt keen on the gf, i have remained neutral, and encouraged dd all the way.

Yet this is just another bloody thing, where he just doesnt think, nor does his gf, who btw has a dd and ds also, who are 8 and 13.

The wedding has been on the cards for a few months, tho i have no idea whn. Dd has been in tears, as she does nto wanto go, and worried that it willbe her weekend with him whenthey get married.

Yet last week, the gf, asked dd if she wanted to cometo the wedding, and dd, scared to say no, said 'mummy' might not let me. Now this was prettfast thinking for a 5 yr old, but I havenot said that at all. So i rang ex and said lets nip tis one inthe bud, i have not said thatat all, ijust don't think dd liked being asked on the spot. Apparently too, gf said to dd, well we will justh ave to drag you there then won't we.

dd said 'mummy' she said it like a joke but i don't think its funny'

WHY the feck, havent they sat her down and included her since the start of all this. Oh and apparently gf's dd has got her dress already, so maybe its immenent i have no idea.

Ex is such a waste of space, my dd doesn't deserve it.

someone ???

does she have to go? If it is going to upset her so much, can't you find out when it is and do something else that day with her?

Selfish pair, the two of them ...

hi there, no I have said she doesnt have to go if she doesnt want to.

it would have been good if they had both spoken to her abuot it properly. I would like to know when it is. Damned if i am asking him tho!!!

maybe i could ask his mum via email? they live abroad.

Yes she is his dd and he wants her there, but she has her own mind.

YANBU - what a shabby way to treat your dd!
When DH and I got married, we made a special effort to include dss, who was 2 at the time - and we made him a page boy (he had the same outfit as his daddy and looked sooooo cute!). His mum came to with her best friend for company and it was a great day. Sounds like your ex is an arsehole of the highest degree and if your dd really doesn't want to go then you should make other plans for that day.

is there anyone on his side of thefamily she would be happy going with? an aunt? grandparent etc? someone you can talk to and ask them to look out for her on the day, or could you bear to go with her?

i think you need to coax out of her why she doesn't want to go. What it is about it that is worrying her. I know if I was her I would be concerned that daddy would be too busy to be with me much, and that sort of occasion for a five year old is very daunting if you don't think you've got anyone really 'looking after' you.

Oce you've spoken to her I really think if she's going to go then you and your ex do need to talk about it for the benefit of dd. Clearly a five year old can't just 'mung' about the place, she needs to be with a close relative who is actively looking after her for the day; not her dad, he will be otherwise engaged! Obviously the ideal scenario would be you going, but that would be asking too much of most people, i realise.

I think you and your ex need to communicate in order to help your dd's distress, basically.

communication, he doesnt want to know. i have been put in my place, and told never to discuss his parenting of her. His gf rings me and lays downthe law too, on hi behalf.

There will only be his parents from europe going.

Dd doesnt like gf, full stop. DD doesnt want them to get married, but its not becuas eof me, its cos she is so pushed out and neglected emotionally by him/them.

She's on the ball,and doesn't want to go. I think, from my op,that u can see how involved and loved she feels.

Thats the prob. and i can't make it any better.

But this isn't about his parenting as such, it's practical arrangements for the day. Would she be ok being looked after by his parents - would they do it?

She needs to be looked after for the day; If this was me I wouldn't agonise, I'd ring him and tell him you need to know who will be looking after her all day; clearly the wedding couple will be busy with their guests etc so don't feel bad about rejecting his answer if he says "me!" That's not on.

you're right, you can't make the situation better in terms of him prioritising her but you can at least offer to help make practical arrangements for the day so that dd is looked after; if he won't do that, then personally I would tell dd that if she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to.