Not to force DD to wear a tie

[tiedilemma]

When she goes back to school? (am aware this is a couple of weeks away but will need to contact school in advance)

DD16 has sensory issues and finds masks uncomfortable at the best of times, however she absolutely cannot wear a mask with anything around her neck. Last term she was putting her tie on after getting off the bus in the morning to solve this, but now that masks are going to be mandated in the classroom this won't be an option. I feel like it'd be more responsible to wear a mask with no tie rather than the other way round, or AIBU? And is there a better solution other than suck it up?

@alexdgr8

why send her to a school that wears ties if she can't abide them ?

Every school in my area has a tie as part of the uniform

@alexdgr8

well they don't around here, esp girls only ones.

Either way, would you like to tell us how the OP should have forseen a pandemic when she enrolled her DD into school?

The OP is completely clear this is an issue due to her DD not being able to wear a face mask with anything around her neck and is trying to be responsible in ensuring she priorotises the face mask over a fashion item.

Are you just scraping the barrel for sorting horrible to say itsdinah
What you said is fairly offensive.

Buy a clip on tie and take it to bits and make one with her school tie. It should be easy once you have seen how to do it.

If it's important to her and you that she is visibly different to the other children,don't bother with the tie

Its not about being visibly different, it's about helping a child with sensory issues feel more comfortable which will make her more able to learn - who can concentrate properly when they're tense, stressed, and anxious?

I hate ties and so glad not to wear one after leaving school. I always thought they were dangerous, imagine if it got caught somehow.

Do shops not sell open necked shirts anymore? That’s what I used to have.

@BashfulClam that’s why most schools have clip on ones now.

@Cautionsharpblade

Why do schoolgirls even wear ties? It’s a male garment that they’re unlikely to wear again once they’ve left education

Absurd. Surely it would be more sexist for girls to not have to wear ties because "ties are for boys". Surely we want to be pushing for equal standards not favourable standards.

@MustardMittcdoing away with them entirely would be better. I never understood the need. At our school it was a constant battle and I used to
just have mine in my pocket. It was explained that it was for security so they could ensure everyone on site was a pupil ...erm the ties are available in several shops!

OP I have sensory issues, really struggled with my tie at school. She needs to learn to wear it loosely but smartly. She's 16, presuming you and she intend for her to be successful in life and have a job and go to uni/college, then she needs to learn to cope with feeling uncomfortable to comply with rules at school and work. Try looser fitting collared shirts and fasten the tie so it just touches the buttons but doesn't add any compression. Can even try undoing the top button but doing the tie right up to it so it's not open, just a bit looser.
Unfortunately you dont get far in this life by wanting special treatment to feel more comfortable, so it's best she starts desenstitising herself now.

She doesn't really need to cope with the sensation of wearing a tie.

In all my years of work I have managed to avoid wearing anything around my neck. Most men don't even wear ties for work anymore! Most uniforms are either a polo neck or an open necked shirt. Its perfectly simple to adapt an adults uniform to avoid a tie.

Op I would be happy to send her without the tie, but check that this is what she wants. You are right better to wear a mask than a tie

Unfortunately you dont get far in this life by wanting special treatment to feel more comfortable

Have you heard of the legal term "reasonable adjustment"? It's not about special treatment to feel more comfortable, it's about making a simple adjustment for a person with an identified need in order to enable them to learn effectively.

It’s really easy to adapt an existing tie into a clip on. I butchered an old JoJo bow to do my daughter’s senior school tie :)

No one should have to wear school ties. Sadly the only schools in the city where ties are not required are the girls grammar schools (who have the best results despite not wearing ties!). My autistic daughter is very bright but needs a very high level of support which she wouldn’t get in grammar so she has to suck up wearing a tie in mainstream. Ridiculous.

YANBU Ties are utter wank.

presuming you and she intend for her to be successful in life and have a job and go to uni/college, then she needs to learn to cope with feeling uncomfortable to comply with rules at school and work

Unfortunately you dont get far in this life by wanting special treatment to feel more comfortable, so it's best she starts desenstitising herself now.

This is such a sad attitude and I am so sorry that you have reached this conclusion through your own experiences. You honestly don't have to put up with a lifetime of having to make yourself uncomfortable just to fit in. The law is changing, the way society (and employers) view people with different needs is changing and we have a much better understanding of the spectrum of people's needs than we used to, so please don't feel as though you have to 'put up and shut up'.

By helping her daughter to address this issue with the school, hopefully the OP will empower her daughter to challenge rules that make life harder while adding no real benefit to those who are able to follow them in a positive way. Progress only comes when people speak up, and although I appreciate that isn't always easy or practical, when you can make small changes, it encourages bigger changes.

Contact the school Senco. Explain the situation, in the context of DD's needs and ask which option the school would prefer:

• DD wears a mask and clip-on tie
• DD wears a mask but no tie
• DD wears a tie but no mask

This then makes it the school's Reasonable Adjustment, which DD will be complying with. Send an email after the phone call, copying in Form Tutor and Head of Year, to confirm what was said. Ask them to forward this information to all DD's teachers so she does not get told off, given demerits or whatever the sanctions would be for uniform infringements.

(You can convert a tie to clip-on using the method pp have described or buy clip-on converters online.)

She's 16, surely she can make the decision and deal with the consequences? Because there's no way you can make her wear the tie.
You can speak to the school, with her, but unless she has a diagnosis I'm not sure what they would be prepared to do.

Actually I vaguely remember an experiment on hospital consultants' ties, I think. They had stuff living in them that you really, really wouldn't want to be trawling around a hospital!

So I might raise that as a concern - they're going to be totally germ ridden due to multiple times tying it then removing it, & who washes a school tie except in the holidays or if they can see it's had egg dripped down it? So not a clever idea in a pandemic.

Failing that, yes to just discreetly converting it to clip on/elastic.

@MyLittleOrangutan I just think it’s weird that from the age of 4-16 I had to wear a tie and have never worn one since, yet I wasn’t allowed to wear to wear trousers to school because ‘they’re for boys’