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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my choice who to breast feed in front of?

49 replies

DaBoob · 25/02/2021 20:01

I am quite self conscious about my breasts, I don't know why I just always have been, they are very large and always been sore and something I've really hated about my body since teen years. I was adamant I wasn't going to breast feed but have ended up trying it.

I usually like to take myself off to my room to feed in the day so I can get comfortable and be on our own. It makes me feel better about the whole thing because quite frankly I'm not enjoying it but it's bearable if I can be as relaxed as possible.

The other day my DSC expressed that they wanted to watch baby have his dinner. I said I would happily answer any questions but politely said that they couldn't watch.

DH thinks I'm being unfair. I think it's up to me and whilst it's not wrong or even surprising that they may be curious, it is still ultimately my decision and if I'm not comfortable that should be the end of it?

OP posts:
MRex · 25/02/2021 20:21

It's entirely up to you. I think it's quite sweet that they're curious, and I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about your boobs. It's not your DH's place to decide that you need to share with them though, especially given that they've explicitly said they want to stare!!

If you aren't comfortable with the look of your boobs, then I recommend Elomi breastfeeding bras; I have large boobs and have been fine with wired as well as wirefree (wired more comfy for me), but either type they keep the whole boob perky while you open the cup to breastfeed, and the outline shape around the boob means little can be seen anyway. It meant I was able to feel incredibly comfortable feeding in front of anyone. Not that you then have to, but even just feeling happy about your boobs yourself would be nicer. There are many other bra types of course, but this one worked best for me.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 25/02/2021 20:24

Absolutely your choice. “Unfair” Confused it’s nice that your stepchild is taking an interest but it’s perfectly acceptable that you don’t want an audience. I didn’t breastfeed but my favourite times to feed by babies was when it was just me and either one of them- they got 100% of my attention and I could cuddle them for as long as we wanted without anyone sitting their wanting to take them off me as soon as the bottle was finished.

Original poster
DaBoob · 25/02/2021 20:25

@MRex

It's entirely up to you. I think it's quite sweet that they're curious, and I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about your boobs. It's not your DH's place to decide that you need to share with them though, especially given that they've explicitly said they want to stare!!

If you aren't comfortable with the look of your boobs, then I recommend Elomi breastfeeding bras; I have large boobs and have been fine with wired as well as wirefree (wired more comfy for me), but either type they keep the whole boob perky while you open the cup to breastfeed, and the outline shape around the boob means little can be seen anyway. It meant I was able to feel incredibly comfortable feeding in front of anyone. Not that you then have to, but even just feeling happy about your boobs yourself would be nicer. There are many other bra types of course, but this one worked best for me.

Thank you, I'll definitely take a look at those!
OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 25/02/2021 20:38

Yep it's up to you

Happycat1212 · 25/02/2021 20:42

These comments are weird, 9 is too old to breastfeed in front of? Really? Then people wonder why this country has such a negative view of breastfeeding, I didn’t realise there was an age in which it is to old to breastfeed in front of someone

Forevercurious · 25/02/2021 20:44

Your body, your choice.

I still breastfeed my DS (14 months) and as a newborn / younger baby would feed wherever and in front of most people. However it did make me feel uncomfortable in front of my step child (6) at times because he would really stare. Totally understand it’s normal to be curious, he was interested but most people tend to not make a big thing of watching, look away if they need to but he was the opposite which i found made me feel uncomfortable.

I never mentioned it and it rarely happened and I’d try to engineer the situation so he wasn’t in the same room whilst I fed. Now DS is older I wouldn’t feed him in front of anyone bar DH but that’s my personal preference.

SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 25/02/2021 20:46

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. How on Earth is it “unfair” 😂

unmarkedbythat · 25/02/2021 20:50

Absolutely your choice. You are a breastfeeding mother, not an entertainer.

triplettrouble · 25/02/2021 20:56

@SnackSizeRaisin

I think nine is too old to be watching breastfeeding. If it was five year old or younger maybe a bit different.
It is comments like these that lead to women feeling like this.
CypressSwampmaiden · 25/02/2021 21:00

It's personal, so if you're not comfortable, you shouldn't be pressured into it or told that you're wrong to not want to let someone watch.

It's a part of the body that people in Western society generally keep private and don't feel comfortable having others just sit and stare at. Breastfeeding doesn't magically switch off the associated emotions and vulnerabilities and desire for privacy.

MyLittleOrangutan · 25/02/2021 21:05

I think there's a difference between breastfeeding in front of someone, which is still entirely your choice. And breastfeeding for someone to specifically watch. I do think a 9 year old should know, or be told, not to watch a woman breastfeed. They're old enough to understand boundaries around others bodies.
It's a woman's choice to breastfeed wherever and in front of whoever she wants. If someone is uncomfortable with her breastfeeding in front of them then they can leave the room. But no one can request for a woman to breastfeed in front of them.

Chloemol · 25/02/2021 21:05

@peak2021
Where did she say she was ashamed ? And as to uncomfortable did you read the post? Her breads have always been sore, she needed to find somewhere she feels comfortable, ie in less pain to feed her child

@FolkSongSweet, that’s your choice. Just as it’s the ops choice to feed away. Personally I think it’s a great time for her to bond with her baby, regardless of how many children she may have at the time

MadeOfStarStuff · 25/02/2021 21:05

Of course it’s your choice. If the child is curious then show them an educational video as others have suggested.

Breastfeeding isn’t something to be ashamed of but it’s also not a spectator sport.

itsgettingwierd · 25/02/2021 21:07

You have the choice.

I think maybe what your DH is worried about is he doesn't want his first born to feel second fiddle to his second born.

The emotions are different for you both here and I think honesty around this would help the situation.

Are you expressing at all? If DSC wants to be involved in feeding their brother dinner could they give a little expressed milk at the end?

I also guess at 9 they are old enough to have it explained it's not you don't meat them involved but you prefer to do it in private and don't feed him in front of anyone?

Deadringer · 25/02/2021 21:13

Children don't always have to get what they want. How ridiculous of your dh to say it's unfair. The most important thing is that you are comfortable and that your baby is fed. Your dsc will get over it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2021 21:16

It’s completely up to you. His priority should be yours and the baby’s comfort. It’s not your job to educate or entertain anyone when you’re feeding your baby.

You might start to feel more comfortable with your breasts just in yourself if you associate them with the incredible job of nourishing and comforting your child rather than something negative. It’s brilliant you’ve given it a go and so very important that it’s the most positive experience it can be for you.

When the world opens up, if you think about needing or wanting to feed out of the house, it’s worth practising at home in front of a mirror so you can see what it looks like. You’ll probably look much less exposed than you feel. If you’re on Facebook, the group Can i breastfeed in it is really helpful and supportive.

I have big boobs and ended up feeding anywhere and everywhere and people barely ever noticed. But that was my choice.

But you didn’t ask any of that so ignore me if it’s irrelevant! Smile

Your breasts, your baby, yours and your baby’s comfort is the most important thing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2021 21:20

I think maybe what your DH is worried about is he doesn't want his first born to feel second fiddle to his second born.

What can that possibly mean?

And whatever you mean, OP only has one child so it’s for the dad, the parent of two children, to manage any complicated feelings, not for OP to put herself out.

Ifonlyidknownthen · 25/02/2021 21:27

I bf and also felt similar to you, never felt comfortable doing it in front of others, and would take myself off to do it in private. I would have absolutely not felt comfortable with this request and if they are so curious on how babies bf there are plenty of women who post videos on YouTube they can watch, it will essentially be the same thing

FolkSongSweet · 25/02/2021 21:27

@Chloemol if you read my post you’ll see that I said exactly that - that it’s the OP’s choice.

I’ve just had my second child, first one is 2.5 - not a hope in hell of me feeding away from my eldest! And if I had to be in private every time I fed it would impact on family life so much I don’t think I’d be able to do it. (Which is not a comment on OP’s situation).

User0ne · 25/02/2021 21:27

It's nice that your dsd is interested in bf but I don't think you should have to have an audience you're uncomfortable with.

I've ebf 2 DC and I was the only mum at a playgroup who bf. Sometimes there'd be 2-3 toddlers standing with their heads about a foot away from my boobs watching me feed dc2 because they were interested. I was ok with that (just) but I totally understand that most people would not be.

If she asks again perhaps reply by asking her what she wants to know

IceBearRocks · 25/02/2021 21:29

I just wapped them out anywhere...discretly of course!!!! My boob thier dinner......whatever!!!

IdblowJonSnow · 25/02/2021 21:33

Yanbu.

User1511 · 25/02/2021 21:35

Your body your choice. I remember when my mil was visiting. I went off to feed my baby in my bedroom so I could lie down comfortably (j cup at that time with all that milk!) and she decided to follow me after a few minutes to see how baby was getting on! I mean ffs. If I wanted to feed in front of her I’d have whacked them out at the dinner table

itsgettingwierd · 25/02/2021 21:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think maybe what your DH is worried about is he doesn't want his first born to feel second fiddle to his second born.

What can that possibly mean?

And whatever you mean, OP only has one child so it’s for the dad, the parent of two children, to manage any complicated feelings, not for OP to put herself out.

I never said it was for her to out herself out Confused

I said perhaps his feelings were different and it maybe a conversation to explore.

Doesn't mean OP has to change her feelings or actions.

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