How to overcome insecurity?

[insecure876]

Hi,

Name change for this thread as I'm ashamed of my feelings and don't want them linked back. Not sure if this is the right category so if it needs moved admin please do.

Before I get any hate for this I know I need to get over myself but I'm unsure how.

Bit of background, been with DH since we were 12, friends first and then romantically involved from around 13/14 and nobody else has ever been in picture for either of us. Unrelated to the marriage but relevant for the post I have major abandonment issues due to DF and low self esteem/depression/anxiety due to health issues.

DH has been furloughed for a year due to covid but now is due to go back to work and I am consumed with jealousy and insecurity of him working with attractive females and becoming friends/making relationships with other woman who he may deem attractive. DH has never gave me a reason to not trust him and I have no doubts about his loyalty but I'm consumed with feelings of insecurity to the point I feel myself having an ache in my heart.

I know it's natural to find others attractive as we are not blind when we enter a relationship but I'm consumed with thoughts of DH realising there's more out there and no longer finds me attractive. Our marriage overall is great just the usual bickering with 2 young DC but nothing major.

I in no way want to make him aware of these feelings and in no way want to police his thoughts but in desperate need of advice on how to control these feelings.

Something as little as a good looking woman popping up on social media is enough for me to enter into an insecure state of paranoia and upset of him thinking she's better than me etc so can't imagine how I will feel when it's a RL situation.

Sorry for lengthy post but too ashamed to speak to anyone in RL.

Why do you feel ashamed about feeling insecure? Everyone gets insecure sometimes. There's no point adding shame to the mix 😊

Ultimately only your partner can give you the validation you're looking for. Maybe say to him "with you going back to work I'm feeling a bit insecure that you'll be working with people who are attractive and I can't live up to the mark. There's nothing you've done to trigger this but I was hoping you could help me work through this feeling."

See what he says

@coffeeandjuice

Why do you feel ashamed about feeling insecure? Everyone gets insecure sometimes. There's no point adding shame to the mix 😊

Ultimately only your partner can give you the validation you're looking for. Maybe say to him "with you going back to work I'm feeling a bit insecure that you'll be working with people who are attractive and I can't live up to the mark. There's nothing you've done to trigger this but I was hoping you could help me work through this feeling."

See what he says

Thank you. I just feel ashamed as I know my behaviour comes across as "controlling" and that is in no way my intention. I don't want to be seen as a jealous insecure woman especially with DH who has always been loyal and honest.

I will definitely chat with him, and make it clear it's in no way on him but on myself.

I just don't understand why I feel this way especially when I've been given no reason by DH to.

This is called morbid jealousy, which is a form of mental illness you can get therapy for.

Go for a cbt assessment at your local IAPT and they should be able to offer you a course of cbt therapy for it ❤️

@ColdBrightClearMorning

This is called morbid jealousy, which is a form of mental illness you can get therapy for.

Go for a cbt assessment at your local IAPT and they should be able to offer you a course of cbt therapy for it ❤️

On a good day these thoughts don't even occur and I know rationally friendships are normal and I don't feel envious but then all of a sudden out the blue it hits like a tonne of bricks and overwhelms me. I feel so stupid for feeling this way and don't want to lose DH over my insecurities.

Then seek help!

These obsessive thoughts are a form of OCD. Obviously I can’t and wouldn’t try diagnose you, but just because it doesn’t happen daily doesn’t mean it’s not a serious issue for you. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t be posting here.

Have you read up on morbid jealousy?

@ColdBrightClearMorning

Then seek help!

These obsessive thoughts are a form of OCD. Obviously I can’t and wouldn’t try diagnose you, but just because it doesn’t happen daily doesn’t mean it’s not a serious issue for you. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t be posting here.

Have you read up on morbid jealousy?

I seen a therapist previously for my depression so will get back in touch to see if I can get an appointment. I will read up on that just now.

I also think this is more than basic insecurity and is not within the realms of normal or healthy behaviour. Seeking some form of help would be the way forward. It’s important to not just accept when you’re unwell but to seek help and try to heal.