To feel like I've lost myself after children

[jollybobs89]

Do anyone or did anyone ever feel like a bit lost after babies?

I've a 3 year old and almost one year old and I feel like I'm not myself anymore.

As in I feel like I've no hobbies or interests, I used to read a lot listen to music etc but I just feel like I need a hobbie or something so I'm not just mum? Does this make sense? Or am I being crazy haha

I felt like this, right after having DC1. Between the children, working full time and home life, there isn't much time for 'me'.

It has got a bit easier, since the children started primary school are they are more independent.

I don't have any solutions, I think it's just sometimes the way it is for a while. But, start small with a few 'me' things, for self care eg paint your toe nails,wear perfume everyday, get a nice tinted lip balm, get a book or magazine to read. Force yourself to take 15 minutes for a bit of you time when bff children are in bed (am or pm) and build up the time from there.

Yeah, that's what having kids does. Especially to women.

Didn't you read the T&Cs?

Yes OP this is really normal! You're right in the thick of it now with a 3yo and a nearly 1yo, but things will start getting easier and you can reclaim those parts of yourself. I went back to / started new hobbies and activities when my youngest was 3yo.

You’ll get your time back. I rediscovered my music, and a couple of years ago my oldest came to a concert of my favourite band.
Just make sure that, if you live with dad, you get equal time to do your hobbies/gym etc. It was a mistake I made, not pushing for my time off.

Yeah - I definitely lost myself when DC were little - it was just so bloody all encompassing!

You'll get yourself back when you have the time and energy. I started a book group when DC2 was a year old. I just couldn't cope with having no inner life for one moment longer! I also started using a gym with a creche so I could go to some classes again and use proper weights (my core was knackered).

What did you do pre-kids and what are you eager to get back to? Then figure out a way to do it.

My 2p worth OP. I found all the talk of "getting back to yourself" very unhelpful. My life and my perception of who I am as a person, what my interests and priorities are in life, were permanently and irreversibly changed by becoming a mother. People kept telling me to go back to my old self and it just didn't sit right with me, I knew I never would and didn't even want to! I look different, I feel different, I hate society telling me I shouldn't be. Since becoming a mother I have tried lots of new things and picked up some new interests as well as hobbies.

So far as getting time and energy to do things YOU want to do for yourself, what support do you have? The biggest struggle and most pain for me was getting DH to pull his weight rather than sail off into work and hobbies. Oldest is 4 now and the balance is a lot better. I am much less argumentative and much more "my way or the highway" now. I've driven to the supermarket and not come back for a few hours a couple of times to make my point. Talking just doesn't work.

I agree with you op.
I do think the past 12 months has compounded these feelings. We are literally in a bubble and everything we do is for the good of our children. Sometimes I see pictures and can't imagine it was me. Even the amount of effort I put into my appearance.
I really do miss the old me.
Even little things like I love musicals so would have had songs on Alexa playing during the day , now it's nursery rhymes or Jo Jo siwa..
I will always make time to read though, the escapism has been my sanity since having children.

People kept telling me to go back to my old self and it just didn't sit right with me, I knew I never would and didn't even want to!

Your life is irreversibly changed by being a mother, that's undeniable, but you will be a far better and happier mother if you're not only a mother.

You have so much more to offer your children by being a fully rounded individual with your own opinions and interests than by being someone who allows themselves to be hollowed out by motherhood.

Of course having small children is all consuming and it is extremely difficult to find time for yourself. In the early years you kind of have to make peace with it. But sacrificing yourself on the altar of motherhood forever is not a good manifesto for your life or those of your kids. Do you have daughters? Do you want the to grow up thinking that their only role in life is to serve their children?

Me too I just look forward to bed time then I’m so exhausted I just go to bed too and watch tv I’ve stopped looking after myself and have no hobbies either often feels like your just surviving. But don’t get me wrong I do love my child more than anything!

Haha @Woebegonad that made me chuckle I didn't sign up for this help me !

It will get a lot easier when they are both in school! A while off but it does come back, believe me.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one!

I do think that obviously covid hasn't helped when it's literally all I live and breathe at the moment! Even though I love my babies more than anything I still want to be me!

@MerryDecembermas might try the supermarket trick! Tbh my DH does help with the kids but they don't realise I don't think he's had both kids yet for a day alone he'd have no hair left that's for sure!

@jollybobs89 same for me. I'm either at work, doing housework or wrangling toddlers. I'm so exhausted and fed up. It's no life at all. I hope this is all worth it in the long run. I've no idea how to either reclaim
myself or discover my new post baby life. I'm just lost in a sea of toys and nappies.

Hi,
Are you me?my children are the exact age of yours and I think the last 12 months have been hard on everyone but throwing a new baby into a pandemic with shut nurseries has been really hard.

I am usually fairly robust but my mood took a bit of a pummelling and I realised (with some help from my husband) I'd lost me. Like the poster above I won't be who I was before I had kids and I don't want to be but I do need some time.
So I've started to jog or cycle a few times a week. Both me and my husband prioritise it and it invigorates me for the relentlessness of life with small children. I am a few weeks in and feel physically better and more like me.

So a very long winded way of saying I think everyone is in the same boat but maybe try and find some time to read in the bath or go for a walk with a podcast or whatever. In normal times I could fancy a coffee in a coffee shop solo simply because I could walk out of the house without baggage but now I am being more creative.