to want acknowledgment when struggling?

[vacua]

I think I might be because everyone means well but I'm having a difficult time with various things at the moment, just finding it very hard to stay on top of work, the house, everything really. When I mentioned this earlier on a private discussion board (not on here) I heard nothing but 'no you are doing wonderfully, I wish I coped as well as you' blah blah from various of my friends/acquaintances, some of whom have never even met me.

Is it unreasonable to be simmering with barely suppressable rage when deep down I know they mean to be encouraging and supportive but all I really want to hear is, 'yeah it must be difficult for you at the moment' and maybe some practical suggestions as to how to make things easier? It feels like I'm being dismissed and that everything feels so grindingly uphill for no reason.

I think the difficult thing when reading someone's post like yours is that we all want to help, and offering positive feedback is what we perceive to be helpful!

Tell us more about your situation and see if we give you some practical suggestions.

Ah, it's because you're like a swan - appearing calm on the top but peddling like mad underneath.

Aw Vacua

Would you consider telling us what is bothering you so that we can offer specific help?

I think if you just say "I'm struggling" people will tell you you're doing fine. If you say "I need help with X" they come up with suggestions.

(pedalling like mad. Not peddling - I'm not accusing you of being a Buying and Selling Hum )

Sometimes all you need is for someone to say "you know what? That DOES sound shitty. I'm sorry you're having a rotten time".

hiya, not one bit unreasonable at all, I know where you're coming from and for what it's worth I'm sick of hearing it too.

The only constructive things I can suggest are let the things that don't matter too much slide for a while and just do what can't be avoided or put off, no one died from a messy house or a few takeaways

I know FatBelly is right and that you do have to let some things slide, but I so relate to your post Vacua, about the simmering with rage bit - I tell myself that I can only do so much, have to let the house go a bit, prioritise and all that; but actually sometimes it really, truly gets to me that the house is either A) a tip which is not how I want to live my life or B) a task like the painting of the bloody forth bridge where I'm tidying one bit while a mess is being created in another.

I understand what you're saying.

I knew you lot would understand! I was quite specific, saying that I'm really having problems planning and organising my time and coping with the housework/laundry is even worse. I found a four week old meal which had grown long grey fur under a pile of forgotten bills and unread (and unpaid for) newspapers. I don't want to live like this!

I'm quite rubbish at most daily things anyway but at the moment our circumstances are especially difficult. My 15yo was home on leave from hospital (she has anorexia and has previously attempted suicide) and went missing for a couple of hours yesterday, so the hospital overruled me and insisted she stay in tonight for 'social reasons'. Meaning, I suppose, that they have me down as utterly incapable. So I'm feeling especially shit about that. She may or may not be moved to an adolescent unit tomorrow.

Anyway I think I AM being unreasonable insofar as my natural tendency is also to look at the positive aspects of any given situation, focus on what is going well, but sometimes it helps to have someone acknowledge that you're having a really difficult time and need help.

Vacua the situation you're in with your dd sounds truly awful. No wonder you've had enough I hope your dd is on the way to recovery soon.

oh gawd Vacua, sorry to hear she went off like that but at least she turned up safe and sound. Honestly, for tonight take it easy and relax a bit, after tomorrow you can start making plans because you'll have a better idea of how things are going to be.

It is shit and no one seems to realise how shitty it feels to be in that kind of situation. They aren't casting aspersions on your parenting, they just want to be able to keep an eye on her to make sure she gets to the unit tomorrow. Think of it as a well earned but brief respite.

Good advice there.

Have a cup of coffee and kick back tonight.

Start on those chores tomorrow. Just baby steps mind you, one tiny bit at a time.

And yes, life does suck at times

Vaccu, don't take it all on your shoulders. There is only one way to keep a 15 years old girl indoors when she really wants to go out and doesn't listen to you, and that is to put bars on her window and padlock the door with a porta potty inside and a food slot in the door. and hope she doesn't burn the house down in spite. A child does not suddenly turn from obediant child into responsible adult on the day of their 16th birthday no matter what the 'powers that be say, and what are they going to do when she tells them all to take a running jump when she does turn 16. It definatly is not your fault, your daughter is an individual, way past the putty in your hands stage, and you have to accept that, and so do the authorities.

oh and if it helps at all, i don't have anything like the sort of stressful situation that you have going on at the moment but I am still unable to get on top of things in my house (which is small, not even as if it's a huge pile!) Put it this way if a burglar came in tonight his first words would be "Oh my god you've been BURGLED!" It really looks like someone has turned the place over

I think it is perfectly reasonable to want some acknowledgement. I think the constant praise & 'helpful' suggestions have pushed me over the edge in the past - I just felt like there was more pressure on me. I don't know why someone couldn't have validated my feelings - I just needed to know that someone was listening to me and that is was acceptable for me to be struggling. I knew I was doing the very best I could - I didn't really want people to tell me I was doing well.

I'm sorry to hear about your DD. I have no experience of that from your point-of-view and can only imagine how awful it is for you. I have seen how hard it is for parents - I've watched my mum struggle with me (similar issues to your DD, from what you have said). Do you have any support with this? If there is anything I can do, even if just somewhere to vent, you can CAT me.

Keep posting here - I think MN is very supportive at times like these.

Thanks all, I really appreciate your comments and advice.

Honoria, I often say that my best home security measure is leaving the place looking as though it's just been burgled already!

yes, at least they'll think there's nothing worth taking!

i can't stop myself asking how come there is a photo of you and the gorgeous Stephen Fry on your profile? If you don't tell me I will come and turn your house over myself

I met him during filming of the 'secret life of a manic depressive' and helped with finding non-celebs (or plebs if you will) people for it, The girl with the dark hair is my friend Cordelia who was in the 2nd episode.

sorry for delay in getting back, got into the bedtime routine with ds. Am v jealous of you meeting the wonderful Mr F. I don't know what you or your friend thought about it, but I did think that was a really good programme he made.

Good luck with your dd for tomorrow - and hope you have a good week.

The only advice i can offer in terms of trying to organise your time better in keeping on top of the house and all that entails was I joined flylady, it wasn't easy and I really rebelled against being told what to do, but about 4 years on and it really has made a difference and I no longer struggle with keeping on top of the washing and remembering to get something out for dinner etc.. Though my house would still not win any awards for tidyness.

Oh and I now keep a diary and also list all the other things I need to do in it.