To feel the rugs been pulled from under my feet

[hellotesting123123]

I've been dating my boyfriend for five months. It's been lovely, and I've felt very secure in his feelings and close to him. But the past month has felt very disconnected due to external pressures and a ridiculous amount of stuff going wrong, and he seems to be backtracking on things he has said. I'm now feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath my feet and wondering what to do about it.

Boyfriend (42, this is his first relationship in a decade) has a habit of making grand statements about babies, living together, joint mortgages etc, saying he is broody, and asking me when I want children (I'm 36 and have always been upfront about wanting them).

I've answered honestly, saying tbh the sooner the better obviously if the situation is right because of my age, but that the situation would have to be right, and he suggested trying late this year. I said sounds hypothetically good, maybe but did't take it as a commitment as you just never know. And I also said I wanted to experience normal life outside of lockdown with him and holidays etc before taking such a big step. Also he's renovating a flat which won't be finished till the end of the year and we obviously need to live together for a while first before trying.

Then last night we had a convo where he's clearly panicking about this deadline, about not being ready for babies or moving in together etc. He said he was v aware of my age and he feels my picture of what I want and when is very set and that because of his renovation he won't be financially or practically ready for a little while.

I said that actually it was more flexible than he thinks and that if he cares to share concerns with me we can work through that together, but if he blithely says it all sounds good or even pushes these conversations himself then how am I to know that they might need to adapt? He said he didn't feel he had pushed the conversations, and that it had been equal. I'm not sure I agree. There's even been a statement or two whilst drunk about him 'being happy if we had an accident' (ie got pregnant) and 'I want to buy a house with you' which I found a bit over the top.

He also said he felt overwhelmed that we were starting to explore ideas about living together, even though he bought it up two weeks ago and suggested we rent a flat together - even suggested we go for viewings - and I said I didn't think it was a good idea for a few reasons, not least because I am starting the search for a flat to buy. He agreed that actually he'd jumped the gun and there was too much going on right now to move in together, and my flat buying should be the priority.

He also said he isn't broody right now, even though he has said he is before, and that he has just been 'trying to make things work' in his head to his timeline for me and not felt able to voice if he's not ready, even though I do not feel I have put him under pressure to say he is broody (I have frozen quite a lot of eggs which i know it's a guarantee but it's reassuring).

He was adamant that he loves me, wants the same things as me, but just isn't ready for cohabitation yet and doesn't think he is practically in the right place for kids until his flat is sorted and all of his money isn't going into renovating. He also said we need to get to know eachother more and connect again as things have been distant for a month because of life crap that's centred around my flat (which has made him basically unable to sleep when he's at my flat so he's walking around like a zombie most of the time).

I said that was fair enough and I'm in agreement about the practical aspects, as well as the emotional, but that I'm confused as I have felt he has led a lot of these conversations. I would not have suggested living with him etc. He disagreed and said he felt a certain amount of pressure, although I think that's coming from my age and not me.

He says he loves me and wants the same things with me, has never felt this connected to anyone etc.

Feel weird today. Kind of distant and unsure. I think it's wise to take things more slowly than we have done, and we've agreed to take these big 'future talks' off the table while lockdown eases and we get to experience normal life together. But I'm kind of hurt he bought these things up, then proceeded to basically reject me (is what it feels like) and I'm reading a lot of information on the internet about Future Fakers and wondering if actually I've been manipulated here and messed around.

On the other hand I feel we're on a more honest footing now, and like talking about the future less will help us focus on the present, which it doesn't feel we have been enough. I always felt a little uneasy about these quick statements because you just can't make rash decisions like that, even when you're both feeling biological and societal pressure.

I think the future talk has been a bit of a fantasy for us both during lockdown, but I feel hurt and offended he doesn't want to do these things with me even if I know they wouldn't be wise. And I'm wondering if anyone else has had an experience like this where you've both slowed down, and both people have been secure with it and then moved forward? I don't think I do feel super insecure, as he did reiterate he loves me and wants these things.

I'm fighting the urge to be distant as I process this. I'm just curious as to what others think?

On the one hand 5 months isn't long, but on the other he could be a future faker. Maybe leave it til the New Year and then if you feel he's never going to want to progress think about ending it.

He's a future faker. At 36 you don't have time to waste with future fakers. Cut your losses. He'll waste your time waffling and mooning about being ready and coming up with excuses.

I think the fact that he has been pushing all of this and is now backing off tells you that he doesn’t really know what he wants. I don’t necessarily believe in rushing in but I think if you know, you know. His behaviour would make me feel very unsure of the situation. I would also be wary of the fact that he hasn’t been in a relationship for such a long period. I think he wants a bit of companionship but he is reluctant to commit.

He sounds very immature and strange. Possibly a reason he has been single for a decade. I'd get out personally given he is re-writing history and kind of gaslighting you not agreeing that it was him who brought these things up etc.

Could just be immature and not very self aware or could be deliberate - either way isn't great is it?

Tough one. I would say keep communicating- your distance will make him act distant and drive a wedge between you. Remember, a month or two from now, life will be very different. He might be testing whether you just wanted the whole package or just him. Have patience.

He’s wasting your time, and you’re wasting your own by listening to his bS

Now you know why he’s
Unencumbered. Why he’s not had a serious relationship for so long

Walk - no - RUN! you haven’t got any time at all to lose on this guy.

And IF we’re all wrong,
he’s got the opportunity to get serious about this relationship

He said what he did to keep you sweet, reel you in. Now he's classically waffling and stalling. He's 42, not 22. He's been single for a decade because the comment from Lua about what he really wants is a bit of companionship without the commitment is spot on.

You don't have time for mind games like this and you don't owe him your patience.

'Been doing some thinking and feel this relationship has run its course and come to its natural end. I need someone on the same page as I am with regards to the future and we're not. We're incompatible and I need to move on. It's not up for negotiation or discussion and I don't want any further contact from you. Best of luck.'

And move on.

Do you now his relationship history?

When I’d a similar experience a bit over a year ago, I was really taken aback and felt future-faked too; confused as we had taken trips abroad because he wanted me to meet his family and his best friend. But suddenly it was all over as he decided he couldn’t see a future.

With hindsight, what i knew of his previous relationships, from what he had told me, leads me to now conclude that he had a poor track record sustaining relationships, and I was unfortunately part of that pattern.

Five months in it all sounds very intense and now he's running scared. But as you've been upfront about what you want from the start, it's pretty shit of him to have agreed with bells on and now not. I'd be thinking it's his own age he needs to be aware of not yours. Or is he thinking he'd be better off meeting someone in her 20's so he can dither until his late 50's 😕 Do you know why he's been single for a decade OP?

Thanks everyone for your comments.

He was in a relationship before where he was engaged and lived with her, but she cheated on him. He was also cheated on by somebody else so I think was basically put off relationships for a bit.

We actually just had a really good call where he said that he is happy to start trying when I'm 37 for a baby (which is fair enough - we'll know each other for 1 year+ then, and I wouldn't want to do it sooner), but he had read what I said as needing an exact date whereas he felt that 'in your 37th year' was the most he could commit to and he didn't want to disappoint me. He said that he meant those things when he said them, but that pinning down exact dates is hard when he has to finish his renovation first and get himself ready financially, but he does have a flat he could sell and will have finished the renovation by December fingers crossed which should give us a bit of time to live together etc. He also said he'd like to live together by the end of the year and he sees himself spending the rest of his life with me. At the same time we both agreed to take the pressure off a bit as it's only 5 months and all this planning is really taking the fun out and we just need to be a normal couple for a bit, meet eachothers' friends, go on holiday etc. The pandemic has sort of taken a lot of those normal things away and we have some catching up to do.

I will definitely be stepping back a bit but in a healthy way I think - we've spent a bit too much time together and I want to get 'me' back and actually feel like we're dating again. It's just so hard in a bloody pandemic when he's the only person I can actually see to retain any sense of normality or perspective and I think that has also artificially sped things up!

This is so common. I think they get carried away in the honeymoon period then reality hits & they panic. It's usually a default pattern if you look at their last relationships. It is very confusing & hurtful though if you're on the receiving end. I tend to back off if I get the over blown declarations of i can see us doing so & so only a few months in. I'd cool things down things down til lockdowns over then see where you are re wanting to continue or not.