to want someone to walk with?

[bombastical]

Just that really!
Lockdown has shown me I have no friends. I see other people all walking with their “plus one”. My DH has 3 buddies he can walk with. I’ve tried. I message people I know to say “fancy a walk sometime” they reply “sure. I’ll let you know” or “sorry I’ve got no time I’m already walking with friends this week”.

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong that I’ve got no friends to have a walk, chat and coffee with.
I see my DH picking up phone call after phone call. Mine is silent unless I message to say “fancy a phone chat”.
AIBU for feeling depressed at this?
How many of you have people you can walk and chat with?

I message people I know to say “fancy a walk sometime” they reply “sure. I’ll let you know” or “sorry I’ve got no time I’m already walking with friends this week”.

Pin them down. Rather than asking vaguely about a walk "sometime" - name a day! If they're busy that week, name a day the following week.

I understand that when you doubt yourself and feel low, this is difficult to do. But the key to meeting up with people and establishing firm friendships is to be more assertive. And I know it's hard, believe me, I've been there. But people don't want the emotional labour of making arrangements. They don't want 'fancy a walk sometime?' because it's vague and meaningless and they'll assume your heart isn't in it.

If you message someone and say ' do you fancy a walk on Wednesday evening?' you will almost certainly get a better response than 'do you fancy a walk sometime?'.

I know it's counterintuitive, but it works. If they say 'sorry I'm busy, but what about Thursday? Would that suit?' you're onto something. If they make vague noises about being busy but doing it 'some other time' then they're maybe not that interested. In which case, focus your energy elsewhere. You will certainly find someone who is delighted to have been asked, because they're feeling exactly like you are.

I’ve tried that. It feels needy and desperate. I can only try so many times! What I need is people who want to walk with me. How do I get that? I guess I could join a walking group

It might just be they don’t like walking!

sorry you're feeling this way.

I agree you could ask about a specific date.

Also be mindful of the research that shows that much of the extra work of homeschooling is falling onto women - it may be that your friends just don't have much time or energy (assuming they are female friends with kids there).

I have noticed that compared to the first lockdown I'm less likely to phone people, simply because I have little to say.

I totally get it. It's made me realise who my friends are. And I live on my own.

I think the issue is that people feel limited to one walk a day. I have a friend and she literally books people in so I end up seeing her maybe once a week and I have to book this in advance.

I totally get how you feel. I’m always the one phoning and checking in with people. I never seem to get the same in return. It’s not a nice feeling when you feel people don’t want to make an effort with you

I’ve just joined some local Facebook walking groups so fingers crossed!

Bumble (the dating app) has a dedicated section you can sign up to for finding new friends that I've found to be really popular, might be worth a look.

Isn’t your DH your friend? My DH and I walk every day and at least once a week plan for someplace we’d haven’t been to before (getting much harder to find these days)

I did feel like you though but I hadn’t rung round to ask because truthfully I was anxious to mix as that wasn’t in the rules to go out walking with lots of various people. I am though making plans for March. Perhaps make plans further in advance to get into people’s diaries and speak up that you really need to see people, that it’s been hard for you and you’d very much like to see them.

I'd rather walk on my own listening to music or podcasts and go whenever it turns out to be convenient around the work and kids mayhem at the moment. I don't want to have plan a walk at a certain time with someone that will turn out to be stressful and inconvenient. I'm not a bad friend and am keeping in touch with people online and will meet up when 'real life' resumes and things are less mental, but for now just giving an insight into why it's probably them not you so don't beat yourself up. Unless they're furloughed/retired/ladies of leisure then walks with a friend may have necessarily taken super low priority sadly. Definitely don't read too much into it and well done for joining the group. Better to get together with other people who want company right now.

Hi op not easy. I walked with 2 more. Havent done since Covid. Found her bit non comittal when I tried to get it going. So I just go out alone now.

I have one. ONE! Who only wants to meet up every 3 weeks or so. Pre Covid I thought I had plenty of friends, but as you say everyone is always ‘too busy / seeing someone else’ and I realise that I am a secondary friend to many but a best friend to none. Round here people are very scared of covid and mostly choosing 1 friend to see a lot of, rather than going for walks with lots of different buddies on different days. Which makes sense for germ control but isn’t great for those left with no one to meet. Still it is soooo nearly over...