To think sex a couple/few times a week when you have small DC is NOT a sexless relationship?

[LetsCifthisnameistaken]

It's clear to me that he's dissatisfied with the amount of sex we have as he has a much higher sex drive than I do.

I'm starting to feel a bit rubbish about myself because I'm not satisfying him.

We have little ones so it's not as though sex every day and night and quickies whilst they're watching TV is always possible, nor would I want it.

A couple/few times a week isn't too bad is it?

At the moment it has been 7 days since we last had sex BUT this is extremely rare and is only because I have alot on my plate this past week.

Usually it's always multiple times a week.

The thing is I don't feel he's even satisfied with the multiple times a week. He would like it every day.

Obviously yanbu. You aren’t a sex doll.

YANBU, you’re not a wank sock.

It has been so long since I've been with anybody else I've lost all perception of what is deemed normal or not 😶

I actually felt like it's me that's the problem because I know it's making him unhappy In a sense. Thank you

Is he putting pressure on you?

@Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a

Is he putting pressure on you?

I feel pressured but only because he's dropping blatant hints every day and I know he wants it. I know the expectation is there and that's what is making me feel pressured iykwim.

I would love nothing more than for him to just leave off with all the hints and peacocking and let me initiate it when i'd like it. I would probably enjoy it alot more if I'm doing it because I'm in the mood and not because several days have passed and I have a sense of obligation.

I then feel a bit sad and sorry for him because sex is so important to him.

Do you want to have sex with him?
Are you satisfied by the sex you have?

You aren't making him unhappy if you don't. You're just going about your day. If he's unhappy, he's unhappy. That's not on you. He's responsible for himself.

I think I read of here the definition of sexless was 10 times a year. I assumed that having sex ten times a year couldn't be sexless, because as a suffix, -less means without.
But if you're doing it weekly, you're not in a sexless relationship.

My husband always “wants it” too. He has a higher sex drive than me at the moment but normal is different at different times. We have two children and since lockdown we’ve barely managed more than once a month. That’s our current normal whereas before it was once a week. Do you feel obliged or does he make you feel obliged? Therein lies the difference. I don’t feel remotely guilty when I don’t want to sleep with my husband but equally he doesn’t make me feel bad and makes more effort when we do.

Once a week would be perfectly fine, for me, or even once a fortnight.

Most relationships I've had have been once or twice a week max.

My OH and I haven't had sex for over 18 months. Now THAT is sexless.

I have young children and we're currently managing 2 or 3 times a week and we both think we're doing pretty well considering.

Life when you've got kids isn't the same. Not only are there less opportunities, but even when you go to bed you're often too shattered to think about sex. Less frequent good sex is better than very regular obligation sex.

@LetsCifthisnameistaken

I actually felt like it's me that's the problem because I know it's making him unhappy In a sense. Thank you

But him pressuring you is making you unhappy.

How involved a parent is he?

Is he moody about it or sulky ? I think differing expectations and mismatched sex drives are much more common than we realise especially with young children around.Its an exhausting time in your life and its hard to be everything to everyone

That is in no way a sexless relationship. And it sounds like far too much pressure is being put on you - in a coersive way.

I think sex a couple times a week is enough and I think you may need to make clear the comments/complains need to stop. More sex is great, but not a necessity, and you should want to too. A sex pest in a marriage/partnership really isn't okay and often is a symbol of bigger problems. You deserve better. A serious conversation with clear boundaries really is needed. I'm sorry you are dealing with this!

Is there something wrong with his hand? I don't see why he can't take care of himself the other 3-4 days of the week.

That's pretty average, actually. My husband refers to the time when our kids were small as the "Seven year Drought."

There are going to be times in every marriage where people's sex drives don't match, and one person may feel they'd like more, and the other would prefer less.

The hint thing is irritating, but I think from the perspective of the other person they worry about being forgotten, or are just hopeful, maybe this time, iyswim. It might be best if you just told him that it makes you feel more stressed about sex -you know he would prefer to have sex more often and you are not quite up to that at the moment, but you won't forget or just ignore him.

We used to average once every four days or so, now it’s once every six weeks or so. Young kids. My sex drive has definitely declined in my forties, and we have young poor-sleeping children. We have a very strong relationship, we keep the cuddles up and definitely both feel loved. My DH wouldn’t dream of putting pressure on me, just like I wouldn’t on him.
You need to communicate how it makes you feel.