Not having children and more responsibility

[Poppin12]

I just wanted to put this out there as I really am not sure and keep questioning myself that I'm selfish!
I am 39 yrs old, have a partner, we live in different towns and we have chosen not to have children when we eventually live together. We are very happy!
I feel more and more that my family rely on me because I don't have children compared to my other relatives that do. I currently look after my mum during the pandemic, so my mum doesn't have to leave the house and i do her shopping, fetch prescriptions and everything else for her so she doesn't have to leave the house- she is very grateful for what I do and I don't mind because she is my mum and I basically chose to help her. In fact I like doing it for her because I know she is safe where she is!!
I also have an elderly gran who during the pandemic I havnt visited a lot because of government bubbles, but have stood outside the window to say hello every so often to make sure she is ok. She has dementia which is getting worse and my uncle (the only brother left who lives in the same area as me and my gran) asks me every Sunday morning (specially) to go and do a check on my gran to see if she is
Ok and to check she has taken her pills so that he can have a day off from doing it! I seem to be the only one in the family that seems to be asked and I think it's because I don't have kids therefore apparently have more time on my hands!! This hasn't been said BUT has been implied!
What I forget to say is I have been working over 46 hours a week so love having my time off to myself or with my partner, after finishing my jobs for my mum.
Am I being unreasonable in saying that I shouldn't have to 'check' on my gran every week when I'm
Looking after my own mum and know one else in the family (that lives near by) is ever asked because my sister is busy with my nephews, my cousins are busy with there children!!
How do I say no to my uncle when he asks me to check on her? When Iv just had a long week at work, been busy on Saturday for my mum and then Sunday's for my gran! Really am I being selfish?!

How elderly is your mum, if you're 39? Why does she need looking after?

Does your uncle ask by text? If so, prepare your reply in advance. It could either be, really sorry Uncle I am busy today, perhaps you could ask, Tom, Dick or Harry?

And repeat each week.

Don't give details or reasons.

And longer term, move further away!

Could you agree a bit of a rota with your siblings/cousins? Everyone get it in their diaries. It’s means you all only need to go and check once per month or so instead of every week.

Poppin12 sounds like you know you are not being selfish but seeking affirmation. I don’t think it really matters what anyone thinks but what matters is how you feel about the situation. This set up does not seem to be working for you and it’s in your right to change that, regardless of what anyone thinks.

Children or not, sounds like you still have a busy week and being tired of after working 46 hours is just as valid as having children to look after. Or you might find yourself free and just want to relax, also valid!

Maybe you could check in with others in your family to see whether anyone else could join in visiting your gran and maybe alternate the week between each other so you don’t have to go every week? Or could you do this on a Sat as well so you do have a free day Sunday?

You can also explain to your Uncle that you have a busy week, Sat helping your mum out and you need time for yourself on Sundays to get other things done or just have a day to rest. Again maybe an option would be not to go every week or go whenever you can.

It very often happens that way by default, although often when the childfree sibs are males then the daughter is on the hook no matter how many other commitments she has.

Anyway, no you're not selfish, and it's ok to say no or to ask other people to take a turn.

It would be nice if people would think and not assume, but the reality is that you have to be your own advocate.

Of course you aren't selfish. You are allowed downtime as well as anyone else in your family. I'm sure that if you asked your siblings and cousins they would be happy to help out - sometimes people just need asking. Just because your uncle assumes you have time and no responsibilities or don't need time off, it doesn't mean others in your family are so selfish. Besides they want to help,out because they too love your grandmother.

Selfish mumsnet will tell you you’re not being selfish but I think you are. Your uncle does it 6/7 day and your complaining because you are asked to do it once a week. She is your gran, really you don’t want to help your gran with dementia? Really?

@Youllbeoldertoo the OP is also looking after her mother and working more than full time. In what world is it selfish to want a bit of downtime? The uncle presumably has children (as the OP mentioned cousins) and she has siblings. If they all took a turn then the burden is shared. I don't see how the OP is selfish for wanting a break.

You just say to him you are doing a 59 hour week and a lot of care for your mum - so you’d like to divvy up the Sunday checks with other relatives, so you only have to do once a month or six weeks. Your uncle should organise that, he’s her son.

I don't think it's selfish to want more time to yourself but why not try and make it a little easier for yourself. Set up an online delivery slot for your mum and see if there's a pharmacy nearby that would drop off prescriptions. I'm not sure if it's the same everywhere but in Bolton there's loads of pharmacies competing for regular customers.
With your gran maybe suggest a cousins rota so you only have to do one Sunday every now and then

Maybe it’s not to do with being busy, maybe it’s the extra COVID risk the kids bring from being at school etc. Or maybe the others would bring their kids and your gran had said she hates the noise they make or something. I would explain that you are busy with your mum and suggest to them they ask your siblings.

Why is it necessary for you to take care of your mum op? Is she shielding? My daughter is 45 with a full time job and two kids. I am 68 so I imagine about the same age or older than your mum? My daughter does not need to help me or her grandma. I look after my own mother who is almost 90 and my brother visits and keeps an eye on her as well. Could your mother and brother manage your dgm between them?

If there are reasons why not, I think you need to take care that you don't end up the default carer in your family. Your mother is also your siblings' mother however many other responsibilities they've got. You shouldn't have to pick up the slack for all the hard work looking after our elderly can be just because you have made different life choices to them. If you take on all of the responsibility, busy people will just let you without any regard for how this impacts on your life and inevitably the responsibilities will become more as the people you help become older and frailer.

You can't make other people take a share of the responsibilities if they are resistant to this but you can decide how much you personally could do and want to do. You have as much right to decide this as other family members do. If you make a decision to [for instance] only visit twice a week, they may, albeit reluctantly step up and [for instance] agree to do something once a week. If they don't you may have to discuss outside help of some sort. The important ... and difficult thing to do ...is to refuse to deviate from your own chosen plan. I love what I do for my mother, but I have a definite idea in my own mind of how far I am prepared to go, regardless of other peoples decisions. Good luck op

Oh definitely say you're unable to help. You do plenty as it is. Do once or twice a month and suggest they ask person x y or z instead.

The scenario with tour mum doesn’t make sense unless she is disabled, elderly of chronically ill. We can’t really share an opinion without knowing this as it makes a difference.

@FoffeeCoffee

How elderly is your mum, if you're 39? Why does she need looking after?

Tbf her Mom could easily be 70+

Op I'd preempt if he texts every week
The day before message and say just so you know, I can't visit Granny on Sunday as I've got something else on. Perhaps Jenny could walk round with the kids?