To be sad that my friend has changed

[Sunshine3013]

I have a friend of 10 years that I count as my closest friend. And since she got married a few years ago she has completely stopped putting effort into our friendship. She is just about her husband and whilst I get that and support her (although she has admitted she's not happy) I'm tired of being the one who always messages and calls first.. I feel like a friendship works both ways and although I have a busy life I always make time for friends and family. If they call, I stop what I'm doing (unless it's work and I'm unable to) and sit down for ten minutes to have a chat.
I pulled her up on this in a polite way, stating I miss our friendship and I want to be there for her through the ups and downs of life. She did apologise but since hasn't replied to any of my messages again.

I'm fed up!

Hugs OP! What did you say in the message ?

It isn't nice when someone else expects you to do the leg work.
She isn't prioritising the relationship.
You said your piece she showed how valuable you are by not responding.
I'm sorry, it is hurtful.

reminds me of the Beverly Craven song ...

Woman to Woman 🌺

OP, I have found people allocate their time based largely on what support network they have in place at that time. If they have a family and/or a DH to focus on them , understandably they focus on them . They have their family.
Your friend is married and feels she is in the next stage of her life. She sees this as a life commitment now and now her life is mapped out. She may or may not need you right now , or ever and that is all she can see right now.

She should have maintained a friendship with you, albeit lesser, as she is now married. Longevity in friendships is a cornerstone of life. If your friend has retracted from that ,the issue is HERS and not yours.

It is hard to know how she views friendships. Until we understand how she views friends , we cannot say.

I understand totally your frustration. In saying that, your frustration has boiled over and you have called her out. I see why you did that, out of frustration but it was wrong for you to do that. YOUR frustration has boiled over. She has not replied because i think this has put her in a difficult position. I am not saying she is right, i am saying she may know she has been wrong. She is now burying her head in the sand. Everything is ok for her now, so the sand is a good place to hide. Sands always shift with the tide. She cannot answer you now as she has no answer.

YOU need to manage how YOU respond to this. Do not allow others to affect you in such ways. Divert your anger and frustrations into activities that better you, such as walking, Yoga, Podcasts, home spa etc.

I would leave it there now OP and
start building new friendships for yourself. Leave the door ajar for her in the future. You may find in time you have outgrown her and you are in a different place with different demands on you. She knows where you are.

Move on OP and don't wait for any replies. You have called her out and she has no reply. She cannot reply, she has let you down. She will not reply as she cannot justify. She will ignore your msg as she has nothing to say that justifies her actions.

Move on and should she contact you in the future, decide how that fits in with you at that time and how you respond.

It seems a shame to write her off if you've been friends for so long. Do you think she's withdrawn from the friendship because she's unhappy in her marriage?

When I was in a relationship that turned abusive, I pulled back from friends and family. I was embarrassed to admit things were awful at home and my partner also got really irritated if I spoke at length to friends on the phone, I was also quite depressed. God, that sounds pretty pathetic written down.

That said, you've let her know how you feel and that you're there for her, so the ball's in her court. No need to cut her dead but maybe just move to more infrequent messages, birthdays etc.

You say she says shes unhappy, is there any risk that her DP is isolating her? If not, yabu, we are all different, I prefer to be with Dh and Dcs.

@ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat

You say she says shes unhappy, is there any risk that her DP is isolating her? If not, yabu, we are all different, I prefer to be with Dh and Dcs.

That was my first thought too. Please though, do try and maintain friendships outside the household. It's really important, especially in later life.

I live abroad and I am married. I spend all of my time with my husband and kids, and I work full time also... so I totally get we are busy with our lives, everyone is.

But I'm just talking about a call every now and again or a message.

When you've been friends for as long as we have, I see it as a given and the least we can both do. I'm not angry with her, just disappointed.

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies thank you for your positive message. I appreciate everything you said.

Off the back of your update, it feels like you moving abroad must be part of it. You're bound to make more effort to stay in touch with old friends than those who haven't moved away. I have friends who moved away and I still count as friends because of our history but we can go years without messaging each other, just a happy birthday on FB kinda thing. I know we'd still get on if/when our paths crossed but I don't feel the need to call or message them because that's what I'd do with my 'current' friends closer to home. Do you stay in touch via social media? Sorry you're sad nonetheless. Sounds like it's about adjusting expectations.

@plsfix I just said that I really value our friendship and understand we are both busy however I feel as though I'm always the one making the effort and it should work both ways.. I also said that I want to be there for her and if she is going through problems i want to support her ( albeit I live abroad, but a talk can do wonders when you need to express yourself) - i was not rude at all.. And she did acknowledge prior to this that she had been a shit friend and that she's down and I know its because her husband emotionally neglects her and she struggles with that.. But I love her and i want to be there for her as much as I want to share with her news about my kids and my life, u know? I'm married too but that is not an exusce, it doesn't take 2 minutes to reply to a text or 5 minutes for a quick catch up call every now and again. I'm not asking for much! Everytime I come to the UK, which is normally pre covid once or twice a year.. We meet and catch up.
I make the time even though I'm rushed off my feet constantly, as do my other friends who have kids and busy lives. Friendships are maintained by both people putting in the effort.

I think it's possible she's a bit depressed and doesn't feel like chatting to anyone in a "newsy" message? She's given you a few signs; her marriage issues, feeling down, admitting she's being a "shit friend".

I would cut her some slack if this is a recent change, particularly in light of our current lockdown situation there isn't much to talk about or catch up on just now.