AIBU?

[ProfMcVitty]

To tell DH from now on if he doesn't want to teach my DSC to do anything for themselves, he will have to do it all because I'm not?

My DSC are 9 & 12. They are good kids and this isn't their fault.

But they are not made to do anything for themselves. Ever. The 12 year old doesn't even make his own bowl of cereal in the mornings, just comes to tell me or his Dad that he's hungry.

I am at home at the moment and not working so I'm pretty much doing everything in the house, which is fine but I feel like we aren't teaching them anything about looking after themselves or being part of a family.

Part of me also worries that as they are both boys, they will get used to their mum and me basically doing everything for them. That's not the kind of thing I want to encourage frankly.

I totally accept that this is DHs (and mine in a way) fault as he's never got them to do anything, no chores, not even make a drink for themselves half the time. But I think as they are now getting older it needs to change.

It came to a head for me (not outwardly just in my thoughts) when DSC exclaimed FINALLY when they came home to a tidy bedroom the other day and when I suggested that they were capable of tidying was told that's what mum's do.

I understand why they think this way, it's the only thing they've ever known and I reiterate that it's not their fault or them that I'm annoyed with but I just don't think it's a great example to be setting.

To be clear I'm talking fairly minor stuff here like making some toast in the mornings, tidying their own rooms, washing a cup when they want a drink etc... Maybe even heaven forbid helping with some chores like hoovering once a week or helping to make their beds.

AIBU to say to DH that I won't do these things anymore unless he encourages the boys to help sometimes? And if he doesn't want to do that then DH can do it himself.

I imagine the same probably goes on at mum's house but I'm not interested in what happens there it's not my business.

If it's relevant, the boys are with us the majority of the week. This isn't really a 'they are your kids you deal with it' thing, I've always taken on quite a prominent role with them as I've been around a while and as I say, they live with us majority of the time but I just don't think that we are setting good examples but as DH is the parent, I'll leave it to him to decide if he wants to encourage or do these things himself for them? And partly I don't want to have to be seen as always the bad one!

Just to clarify sorry I am at home because I'm on maternity leave, I do work usually.

Just carefully step back. No speech necessary.. Be less available at meal times etc. On maternity pre birth you need to be your priority.. Post birth it's baby. At their ages they should be helping you out!

You absolutely need to do this!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would expect that children of those ages should be able to make their own breakfasts and keep their rooms tidy. It would annoy me no end if my children went into their room and said "Finally!" when you have very kindly sorted their rooms out. I think a more appropriate reaction would be "Thank you"! I am trying to get my two to tidy their rooms but it's a hard slog....so I'm on strike currently. But the eldest is at least putting her clothes away, so that is something. I wish you luck

When I had ds, dd was 8. She wanted to learn how to make a cuppa so she could help look after me when ds arrived!!
Your dh needs a kick up the arse imo. Or you will become rightfully resentful..

YANBU at their ages they should be doing way more stuff. Them being waited on hand and foot isn’t healthy -plus l doubt their future flatmates or partners will do the same for them!

Thanks!

It's not that I wouldn't feel able to say anything myself. But I think it would be good coming from DH, for a few reasons, one because he is ultimately their parent, secondly because I think it's good coming from a man tbh so they don't always see it as women doing these things or encouraging them to do them and thirdly, probably a bit selfishly... I don't want to be seen as the bad guy all the time going on about chores and bed making!

Yes your DH should be setting an example and encouraging his DCs to look after themselves. These are basic life skills that the children will need to get by when they're older. He also should be visibly doing his fair share of chores at home so that the DCs see that domestic chores are not "women's work".

YABVU not to bother with a proper subject.

‘Finally’ would have had me giving them a proper talking to , about not being rude and the fact that men are just as capable as women when household chores are concerned . Cheeky bloody rude little gits !

Does DH do anything around the house or is it left to you?

I disagree that you should quietly step back. That doesn’t do anything about their expectations.

I would absolutely tell DH that either he starts parenting his children to be decent and respectful or he’ll have to work out how to be a servant to them.

Mine is 10 and she helps with chores, tidies her room and gets her own cold drinks. You are not unreasonable!

I'd go down the route of they can either choose to tidy their own rooms, or things on the floor will be bagged up and binned. Getting DH to go in with a bin liner in hand and start picking things up to throw away in front of them should work pretty effectively. Clean washing DH to physically hand them a pile with the direction of 'this is yours to put away'. Breakfast/drinks respond every time with 'yes, go help yourself and tidy up after'. Meal times I wouldn't offer a dessert until dishes had been cleared to the sink by the kids. Get DH to draw up a list of chores for them and explain its on a pocket money basis.

Does your dh do anything in the house? How on earth have they coped with not even pouring their own cereal into a bloody bowl? So bonkers!

PLEASE do this. Or they will be the subject of a future AIBU where someone is whingjng about their man-child husband who can't pour a bowl of cereal for himself.

And I thought my DH was being too tough when he insisted that my 12 year old unloads the dishwasher on any day that she doesn't gave school & my 5 year old was taught to put away her washed clothes. I would have no tolerance for such low expectations. OP - please insist (to your DH) on changes ASAP!

You need to sort this sharpish, neither you or Dh are doing your Dcs any favours.

I'm confused. The majority of your post is about how "unacceptable" it is that the children can't do X and Y. You outwardly blame how they've been raised and mostly the father for "their upbringing" but then at the end, tell us that you've been involved in the majority of their care.

This doesn't seem like an AIBU question, as much as a request for advice on how YOU, your husband and the ex should to fix the issue going forward. Am I correct?