I feel like such a failure aibu ?

[nbbb]

I have suffered with anxiety and depression quite bad for 4 years now.
It got to a point where I struggled to leave the house.
I thought I was doing a bit better but I still had heart palpitations constantly and panic attacks.
My mum died in September last year and I miss her so much.
I applied for a full time job and got it.
I started yesterday and have had the worst week of my life.
I haven't slept,pvcs every 60 seconds.
It was a call centre job and yesterday everyone had to stand up and talk for 4 minutes about themselves.
Everyone in the group was a lot younger and loud.
The trainer kept pointing out how quiet I was and it made me worse.
Ended up vomiting in the toilet.
Got home last night and had the worst panic attack.
Didn't sleep last night.
I can't cope with the change ,I'm honestly terrified now I'm going to die or something bad will happen.
I have told the call centre I'm not going back.
It was sales and targets and I don't think I can do it.
Now today I feel like I can't even walk to the shop.
My dad was so happy when I got the job
I feel like such a failure
I've let him down haven't I ?
I just feel so useless now

I think it was the wrong choice of job. I’m confident and have a job that involves talking to a couple of hundred people for an hour on a daily basis (in non-Covid times) and I don’t think I could do call centre sales.

You won’t die — though nighttime panic attacks do feel like you might, and are miserable — and your father’s feelings about your job, even if he’s bereaved and you’re worrying, are irrelevant. Your responsibility is to yourself, not even a newly-bereaved and vulnerable parent.

Next time you apply for jobs, think much more carefully about whether it plays to your strengths.

Your dad was happy because he wants you to be ok but you're not ok, are you? That doesnt make you a failure. It does mean you need more help than you are getting. I suggest you start with your gp. That level of anxiety (compounded by grief, so sorry) must be terrible to live with.

And dont worry about the job. There will be another job when the time is right.

OP, you have not let anyone down. Please don't think that you have. You did extremely well in applying for and getting the job. It just wasn't the right job for you at this time.

Probably a daft question but have you seen your GP about your anxiety and depression. If you haven't then you need to see them. If you have then maybe you need to go back again and tell them how you feel and maybe they can review your medication (if you're on medication) and possibly refer you for counselling.

I'm hoping someone else, who actually knows what they're talking about, comes along in a minute so they can advise you. I didn't want to read and run.

Please don't be too hard on yourself and take care of yourself. Btw, I don't suffer from anxiety and depression and I couldn't do that job either.

I think I jumped in too far.
I knew my anxiety wasn't great but I still went ahead anyway
I've booked a telephone apt with doctor Thursday.
Il get back on to medication
I wish I had started with a part time job or volunteering first just to get used to things again

Glad you've contacted your doctor. A part time job/volunteering is a good idea when you feel ready. Small steps so you don't get overwhelmed is a good idea 😊

Sounds like you are getting a great plan together OP unmumsnetty hugs to you

@nbbb

I think I jumped in too far. I knew my anxiety wasn't great but I still went ahead anyway I've booked a telephone apt with doctor Thursday. Il get back on to medication I wish I had started with a part time job or volunteering first just to get used to things again

You're making good plans, OP -- volunteering, or something part-time both sound like a good idea. Best wishes, and very sorry for the loss of your mother. Cut yourself some slack. Bereavement is exhausting, quite apart from anything else.

Well done for trying, good for you. Really bad choice of job though (kindly meant). Call centre is a tough environment. Maybe have a rethink, like you said a part time job would ease you in. Best of luck.

I couldn't have picked a worse job could I .
Call centre sales.

I’m a confident person but honestly, working as a cold calling sales person would make me curl up with fear.

You are not a failure, you just took the wrong post for you. Give yourself a little time and try again.

Best wishes.

It was inbound retentions /sales but the targets are really high