Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To want to leave my DH when we have 2 small boys

20 replies

melj22 · 22/02/2021 19:09

So all of a sudden I have just had enough... I just want to leave my partner and set up on my own with our two boys (ages 4 and 9mths). I just feel like we aren't on the same page for anything - parenting, lifestyle, money and I am sick of living my life how he wants to live and ignoring my wants and needs. I feel obliged to stay for our two boys but also at the same time I just feel I deserve so much more. Also I know if I left there would be a huge battle of child custody which I just don't want to put my boys through so I feel trapped, that I have to stay for them. I have tried talking to my partner and explaining I'm not happy and asking if he could compromise in some areas and consider what I want to do but he was just rude and disrespectful and didn't take me seriously, he didn't seem to care at all 😔 it's hard because nothing is majorly wrong like abuse or cheating, he loves his boys, and he goes to work every day to support his family but everyday I am twisted up inside because he always puts us in tough financial positions, he always goes against me with parenting and I want to live a healthy active lifestyle and he doesn't... At a loss of what to do here... Anyone been in a similar position or any advice??

OP posts:

BarbiesWorld · 22/02/2021 19:14

No advice but a handhold because I'm in pretty much the exact same position (5 yr old DD and 1 yr old DS).

I've spoken to DH a million times and 2 weeks ago basically told him I was done. He's trying so so hard right now to "fix" it but it really is a case of too little too late. But I'm a massive wimp who's financially dependent on him and because there's no abuse or adultery am scared of being the bad guy who destroyed the kids home life.

Sorry I'm no use, just wanted you to know you're not alone

combatbarbie · 22/02/2021 19:18

A lot of men threaten the custody/residency when the wife stands up for herself. It is rarely followed through. Noone should feel inferior in a relationship so in your shoes I would leave. Are you financially stable on your own etc?

Heronwatcher · 22/02/2021 19:18

Go, go go. I had two friends in unhappy marriages about 3 years ago. Both very similar age with two young boys. One left and had a difficult time (husband arsehole, difficult about divorce) but a couple of years later is happy, own home, working, kids thriving. The other had a complete breakdown and is sadly not going to be around to see her lovely boys grow up.

Hehx3 · 22/02/2021 19:18

My situation was different but what I have learnt from that is If you push yourself it will only backfire at you later. I held on for my boys, the stress and misery of my day to day life took a toll on my health and I mean I have loads sorts of health problems. If I can suggest try to resolve and if you cant resolve, leave. Boys need healthy mum, like rock hard healthy, don't loose that from sight. I hope it will turn better for you

Original poster

melj22 · 22/02/2021 20:32

Thanks so much for all the lovely support and advice. My health is definitely being affected, I do feel I would be a happier better mum if we separated as things are at the moment. I am not worried about supporting myself financially. I am worried about having to share custody as my DH would not respect my sons food intolerances if he was unsupervised. I know there would be a big nasty custody battle if we split up, that is what i am most worried about, also about the boys not getting to see their dad anywhere near as much, I would be taking that away from them 😢

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 22/02/2021 20:36

But the boys will have a mum who is so much happier. Surely in the long term the emotional wellbeing of you all is more important.

As for what he does in his caretime, any parent who chooses to ignore medical advice does not deserve children IMO. You would of course need to document this.

You say he would fight residency, how would he manage this if he barely sees them just now anyway?

Mummypigisalwaysright · 22/02/2021 20:50

Why are you taking all this blame onto yourself?

Turn it around. If you leave it's his fault for not compromising, listening or respecting you. If he sees less of his children it's his fault for ignoring and disrespecting you.

You're completely overwriting the fact that his behaviour towards you would be the reason you are leaving and accepting all the blame when you have tried to engage already.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2021 20:55

While you figure out what to do, could you just disengage from him and emotionally detach?

You can quietly refuse to go along with what he wants and do your own thing.

Porcupineintherough · 22/02/2021 21:05

You cabt stay tied to him for 18 weeks "for the sake of the children". So split and yes you'll have to share custody with him but the most likely starting point is he'll be awarded eow plus a day in the week.

You talk about a terrible custody battle but it may bot be that terrible. Of course he'll want time eith his kids but as you're the main carer you are in a very powerful position. Why not consult a solicitor now and see what they say?

Porcupineintherough · 22/02/2021 21:06

Oh forgive me, dont know where my brain was

You cant stay with him for 18 years...

Hehx3 · 22/02/2021 21:12

@melj22 you sound lovely. In my experience father that have so low respect towards children's mother to see her health suffering is not a good father. He should make sure you are around strong for them (even if separate) and not ground you down. So dont be that harsh on yourself. Perhaps it will turn better for them to not be around him that much (I know is counter intuitive). I was always of the opinion my exH is a good father, turns out I was very wrong. One of my boys stopped going, the other goes as he feels he has to.

Original poster

melj22 · 22/02/2021 21:21

Main thing we don't agree on is parenting - he wants to say yes to everything for the kids - no boundaries and that includes saying yes to foods for my son that upset his tummy just for the sake of not saying no, he gives into tantrums, he says yes when I so no and makes me feel like a big nasty monster and when I try talk to him a about it he just says he doesn't want to parent like a nazi like me, which I don't think I am I just set healthy boundaries for my little ones

OP posts:

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 22/02/2021 21:26

FFS children NEED boundaries. No boundaries, inconsistent parenting = stressed and unhappy child. He is actively making them unhappy with this approach.

But of course, you already know that. Whether you stay or go, this needs to be addressed. Is there anyone he DOES listen to? I assume telling him to read a book on child development is out of the window.

TheyIsMyFamily · 22/02/2021 21:32

Pretty sure wilfully ignoring a child's food intolerances can lead to social services entering the fray if requested.

Document the intolerances with your GP. Make it clear he knows about them. And document each and every time he ignores.

VenusTiger · 22/02/2021 21:33

Before you leave, consider counselling, purely for your children's benefit OP - he needs some parenting skills and after you've separated, he's going to be bringing your boys up polar opposite to you - that'll be hard on them. You must collaberate and agree on boundaries for your children, so get some couples-parenting counselling first.

Original poster

melj22 · 22/02/2021 21:56

He won't do counselling 😒 I have asked the he will do a online parenting course with me that is set up in nz, it is a awesome course and explains among lots of other things that kids are happier with healthy boundaries than without them. If he will do this with me it might be a starting point. Also food intolerances are well documented, have specialist letters, many doc appts, plunket appts and notes etc.

OP posts:

Dee1975 · 22/02/2021 22:00

Can’t offer any advice as such, but just remember everything is hard right now. Being stuck in 24/7 with the same people is hard. I love my DH but have thought more of divorce in the last year than ever before!
If you can - try and kick the can down the road. It might be gone by the time you get there ...

VerySmileySarah · 22/02/2021 22:11

I can’t give you any advice but I’m going through a similar time although my kids are a bit older. I’m not allowed to do so many things, simple basics & each time he tells me no I die a little inside. Take care I hope you’re stronger than me xx

RuledbyASD · 22/02/2021 22:19

OP if there WAS a custody battle, the Courts require two things to happen.

1 - Mediation. This is mandatory, he can't choose not to. This is where any agreement becomes legally binding. There, you will be able to make it clear what your child's medical needs are and he will be forced to agree. If he then goes against this, he'll be MASSIVELY penalised in court.

2 - A CAFCASS report. Where a trained child worker assesses both of you and your parenting. You will have plenty of opportunity to explain to them what your concerns are and they will them know what to look out for when assessing him and your children

Please don't stay if it's like this. My parents stayed together for the sake of us as kids and it was MISERABLE

toocold54 · 22/02/2021 22:37

I think life is way too short to be miserable!

Many people feel like you do but hold on to make it better but it often never does and they end up wasting years of their lives.

I would do it sooner rather than later and if you both have 50/50 contact then there shouldn’t be any problems with going to court etc.

Flip