To ask what you talk about with your friends?

[Athenaena]

I know this is a really strange Q to ask

For the record, I have a fair few friends and am (pre Covid) a fairly sociable person, especially at weekends. I feel a bit sad though re 1 particular friend and feel like we’re growing apart a bit. I’ve noticed that the last few times we’ve seen each other (pre lockdown) that she always expects me to have endless amounts of ‘gossip.’ I’ll see her and within 15 mins she’s staring at me intensely saying ‘Well, what’s the gossip then?’ I then feel a bit flustered and rake my brains thinking, gossip? Ehh okay, well so and so’s pregnant, I’ve done such and such etc but always feel like I don’t have loads of ‘gossip’

I’m 32, married, hoping to have kids in the v near future and most friends of mine are now in the same position, therefore they’re just living their lives, they go to work, spend time with their partners, families and friends, go on holidays, do DIY to their houses etc but there’s never any major gossip like big fall outs or torrid affairs etc and I get the impression this friend of mine wants ‘gossip’ like that when we meet up and I just don’t have it for her.

She’s single and so are a lot of her other friends and to be fair, when I meet up with them there IS usually big gossip/ drama. There used to be in my life too as I was always hopping from one bloke to another or I dunno, just doing more exciting things I guess but I’m 32 now and feel happy with my (slightly more boring life) I get the feeling this friend is only interested in being friends with people now that are partying every night and weekend, have 150 different friends and have a constant, steady stream of exciting gossip and drama. I feel a bit inferior lately after hanging out with her, like me and my life just aren’t good enough

The other reason I ask this Q is because I do suffer a little bit with anxiety and have started to notice that I do rely on alcohol a bit in social situations I’m a known ‘piss head’ and do feel that when I’m drunk I can make conversation literally all night and day. I find when I meet up with my friend’s sober, although I’m chatty, I do feel like I exhaust conversation fairly quickly. I’ve noticed that some friends DO seem to only want to socialise with me when there’s alcohol involved, so I haven’t seen some of them in months now as they wouldn’t be interested in meeting up for a walk, but yet they are with other friends? I drove through a small town today and saw quite a few women, walking along in 2’s, with a cup of coffee in hand, chatting away and I do think to myself, what do they talk about?

The friend I mentioned earlier is always meeting up for walks with other friends (not at the same time obviously) at least twice a week and walking for hours it seems (going by the pictures) and I think, well what’s going on in their lives (apart from men problems) that’s so much more interesting than mine? We’re all v similar people with the same tastes in clothes, music, tv etc, we all like a drink and to socialise etc....yet there seems to be something about them that this friend seems to like, a lot more than me seemingly as I have only seen her twice in the last 6 months and she doesn’t live that far away.

Don’t get me wrong, I have other friends and I can’t say I’ve ever messaged this friend asking to go for a walk or anything, so I can’t really complain. But the main reason for that is I just feel like she’ll be all ‘what’s the gossip?’ And I’ll feel like saying ‘We’ve been in lockdown for nearly 3 months, what ‘gossip could I possibly have?! No ones bloody done anything’

So yeh, what do you talk about when you meet up with your friends? Is it always a steady, constant stream of convo or do you sometimes run out of steam/ things to say?

I sometimes use the word “gossip” to mean “what’s your news?”.

The problem is at the moment no one has bloody anything to say to anyone cos nothing is going on. So don’t feel bad, she’s just trying to put the convo back on you for absence of having anything else to say

I've started to notice this since not seeing people as much in person and all communication being written. Some people only want to talk about other people. And I've started to realise...if they gossip with you, they almost certainty gossip about you. I've decided I'm going to stay socially distanced from those friends after lockdown!

I think you're massively overthinking her expectations of you, she probably means 'what's new with you' or as the poster above said 'what's your news'.
If spending time with her genuinely makes you this anxious then don't spend time with her, getting together with friends is meant to be fun.

Just turn it back to her, people love talking about themselves. It's amazing how long a conversation will go on with some people if you just nod and 'mmm' and 'yes' in the expected places.

We normally talk crap about work, whether we are looking forward to going back, missing weekly treat lunches, how we are putting on weight or exercising, being sick of bloody baking I'd facebook, whether we've watched something on Netflix, that Netflix price is going up and we might cut our package down, that we might get disney instead, do they have disney, what do they think about it, how husband has started watching X, that husband is annoying for whatever reason this week or has done something sweet. Just absolute crap really!

Oh and it sounds like you're assuming they don't want a walk rather than arranging one yourself?

I don't mean to sound harsh but from what you've said it sounds like you're quite difficult to socialise with unless you're drinking, perhaps this is a bit of social anxiety, but I wouldn't want to meet up for a walk with someone who struggles to chat unless they've had a drink. So I don't really blame your friend. Surely you just talk about life, anything interesting you've read or watched, work, anything you've done or are planning to do to the house, anywhere nice you've been to walk, the fact you're sick of walks lol, the weather, lockdown, food. Surely you talk about this sort of stuff with your partner?

When I see friends the convo is usually about our kids, husbands, jobs, families. Common themes:

Kids pissing us off
Husbands pissing us off
Work pissing us off
Families pissing us off
Covid pissing us off (how much we now hate crafting, baking, family walks etc).

Sometimes might swap wine, gin, takeaway, skin care, clothes etc recommendations. Often talk about what we’ll do together when we eventually can- spa trip, dinner out etc.

On the gossip front- we might have a bit of a chat about people known mutually or if there’s been a kick off on the school or nursery what’s app we’ll have a bit of a laugh about it but there’s no expectation that either person will turn up armed with a list of hot off the press news about people.

Yeh, I get what people mean when they say ‘what’s the gossip?’ is just a phrase for ‘what’s going on in your life.’ I guess the trouble is, when I do say what’s going on in my life to this particular friend (work woes, stuff we’re doing to the house, maybe so and so has pissed me off for X, Y & Z reason etc that she just looks bored, like this just ISN’T enough for her and she expected me to say ‘well I’ve just started shagging my boss behind DH’s back and omg I had the most almighty falling out with so and so the other day and we had a big cat fight and people had to pull us apart and yadda yadda.’ Like just normal, general life stuff isn’t of interest. I could be being paranoid but that’s just how I’ve felt lately.

@Hahaha88, I do actually get what you’re saying and feel like perhaps I’ve done myself a disservice and portrayed myself as some sort of awkward, mute social recluse when sober, and I’m not at all. In fact with quite a few of my friendships it’s actually me that is the chatty, bubbly one and I feel a bit exhausted after a couple of hours because I’ve had to do a lot of the work and after a while just feel like I’ve exhausted all areas of convo. I think I just feel that my friendships seem to flow a lot better when everyone’s had a few drinks? Everyone just becomes a bit more relaxed and chattier?

DH for instance can go for a walk with the same friend 5 days in a row and could walk for like 2-3 hours each time. Quite often, if we’ve been out with people for drinks the night before, the next morning, hungover he’ll want to hang out with them all again and go for lunch etc and often they’re all up for it. Quite often I’m not! I’ll go 50% of the time but 50% of the time will stay at home and let him go for a hungover lunch with the same people we’d hung out with all the previous afternoon and evening as I feel like tbh, I’ve exhausted all convo and don’t really have anything left to talk about (I should say these are DH’s friends rather than mine but quite often I feel that way about my friends too! I’m always in awe of people who can see the same people 5 days in a row and still have loads to talk about on the 5th day.

I think there are some people you just dont click with as well as others. I've got a friend I meet regularly for walks and another I message at least once a week who I never run out of things to talk about. Often it's not personal stuff but things that have been in the news, or random questions like 'I noticed x building the other day, do you know what it is', which just take us off on random conversation strands. But, I have another friend who I sometimes go for a walk with and I find it really difficult to just chat with her. She only ever talks about herself or her work, and when I try to bring in other topics she tends to shut the conversation down with a couple of comments. I'm also pretty shy and a bit socially anxious so I cant carry the conversation on my own. I've just accepted that sometimes we will walk in silence.

If you want to go for a walk, suggest it. Maybe people think you like to party, and aren't into walks

I just want to chime in to say that I also have social anxiety (mine is particularly bad with 1:1 situations) and I've thought of starting a thread about this before. I'm fine in groups but seeing 2 friends out and about laughing and chatting just makes me so jealous, I also wonder whether it's always natural funny conversation or if it's normal to have breaks, awkward quiet moments, serious chat etc. Ridiculous isn't it 😬

@goodwinter

I just want to chime in to say that I also have social anxiety (mine is particularly bad with 1:1 situations) and I've thought of starting a thread about this before. I'm fine in groups but seeing 2 friends out and about laughing and chatting just makes me so jealous, I also wonder whether it's always natural funny conversation or if it's normal to have breaks, awkward quiet moments, serious chat etc. Ridiculous isn't it 😬

@goodwinter

I think it's horses for courses. I am more comfortable 1 to 1 or in a small group

My conversations on a walk tend to be a mix of sharing news, telling the odd funny anecdote, offering / receiving advice, "did you hear about X in the news?", holiday ideas, companionable silence etc. What i have noticed in both lockdowns is that with Friend A, it's quite evenly balanced, but with Friend B, she talks and I listen. When I talk, she interrupts. So I end up interrupting her to get my point across, and it's probably frustrating for both of us

@goodwinter, yes that’s exactly it!

I guess my Q is, is convo always natural, free flowing and constant between friends or are there awkward pauses etc sometimes?

I feel that after an hour or so I start to wane because I’ve caught up with a friend, know what’s going on in their life, they know what’s going on in mine etc and so it’s a bit like ‘okayyyy then.’ Whereas when I’ve had a few vinos I feel like I can (and do) just chat shit all day/ evening etc and it’s fine. I’m wondering whether it’s the same for others or whether my drunk state is actually how they are sober. I’m fine sober but only for a couple of hours and then I’m just tired done with convo, it’s like alcohol gives me a conversational energy that I just don’t have when sober

A lot of conversations about cats and some dogs, how family are managing with Covid 19 restrictions, the tv and cinema we've seen, to think of discussions over the weekend.

A lot of friendships get some if their energy from external stimulus, you go somewhere together, cinema, day/night out, so the focus is on the activity.
Where theres nothing but the two of you on a walk, all there is is the conversation, and it can feel a bit pressured/dull with some people, depending on your level of shared interests, enjoyment of discussion etc.
I wouldn't worry, most people are limited in what they have to say at the moment as nothing ever happens!

I guess my Q is, is convo always natural, free flowing and constant between friends or are there awkward pauses etc sometimes?

I prefer to think of it as companionable silence or a natural pause in conversation, ,rather than awkward pauses. Sitting across the table can be quite intense. If you're out for a walk, it's easier to have gaps in the conversation, and can aid conversation eg talk about the scenery

I know what you mean about things waning after an hour but that's with people I would consider more acquaintances, not really good friends.

I can usually talk for hours and hours with my good friends but then we tend to have some similar interests, like politics or sports or books or food.

Looking at the kinds of things you say you talk about, that's more like small talk isn't it? Daily life, what's up with you, kind of stuff. I wouldn't expect that to last more than an hour, no.

Do you have any shared interests with your friends? How did you become friends in the first place?

I know a few people who say this but I don't take it to mean anything. It's just conversational. I'm quite happy to say "I haven't really got any gossip. Have you?" But we still manage to have a conversation about what's going on with us.

Alcohol just cuts down your inhibitions - so it doesn't give you more interesting stuff to say or make you into a great conversationalist, it just makes you stop giving a monkey's whether what you're saying is interesting or not ,which is a relief if you are socially anxious. Try and remind yourself that 'drunk you' is definitely not really any more sparklingly witty and confident than 'sober you'. She just thinks she is!

@dreamingbohemian, maybe that’s the problem then. Maybe I don’t really have any ‘friends’ anymore and they’re all just acquaintances?!

I’ve met my friends through a range of different things, my 3 ‘best friends’ by that I mean the longest standing ones, I’ve been friends with each of them since we were 6/7 and we’re now all 32, those I met through school.

I have a few friends from my hobby, these are people that I’ve clicked with personality wise and have found I can converse with them about more than just our shared hobby, but sometimes it’s a bit more awkward with these, again, not after a few drinks though.

Then I’ve friends that I’ve met through other friends over the years or ex work colleagues that I get on with quite well so have stayed in touch and still meet up regularly (once every 6-8 weeks) for dinner/ drinks/ nights out/ have them over for a BBQ etc.

I have wondered lately whether I just feel like perhaps none of my friends are my ‘people’ anymore? I could talk about trash reality tv, hair, make up, chic lit books, animals, clothes, what’s going on in the world, putting it to rights etc all day, but I don’t feel like I can do that with my friends even though they’re all interested in these things too. Perhaps I’m subconsciously pushing people away?

One of my best friends moved away 2 years ago and I have to say, I have missed her. I do miss her, her and I really could just chat shite for hours and hours and I never got bored or fed up in her company. We were such scarily similar people. I don’t see her anymore as she lives so far away and I do feel sad and really miss her.

I have to be honest though, apart from above mentioned friend, although I’ve missed having social plans at weekends, I can’t honestly say that I’ve been pining for any of my friends during these lockdowns I mean let’s face it, I could’ve arranged walks with all of them by now but actually I’ve just been enjoying spending time with DH and enjoying the lack of pressure to socialise at weekends. I haven’t missed any, single friend enough to want to meet for a walk. If any of them had suggested it, I’d say yes and go along but I probably would be a bit like meh, can’t really be arsed, would probably rather just wait until we’re out of lockdown and can actually do stuff/ have stuff to talk about. In the first lockdown we had last year, I had quite a few Facetimes with friends but now I couldn’t think of anything worse tbh. I have nothing to say as I’ve done sweet FA the last few months and I feel the same way about meeting up for walks etc. I can understand why mums with kids do it, but I just don’t think I’m that arsed.

I mean ultimately, the problem is me. I feel sad that I just feel a bit meh about friendships and view them as a bit of a chore, I wish I didn’t feel like it. I’ve felt down and anxious for such a long time now and I wonder whether I could have depression or something and it’s connected, or whether I’m just a total introvert who is quite happy in my own company.

My friendship group has children of the same age, so the trials and tribulations of pre-schoolers / babies is a big thing.

Most recent topics from our WhatsApp have been the bloody big hill two of us walked up yesterday, the stepping stones two others nearly fell off, an annoying sister, the evils of MLM, speculation about when the kids are going back to school, reading schemes, moving vs extending, donuts, delivery brownies, hello fresh / Gousto, bereavement, knitting, home schooling, the price of apples, growing sunflowers, sleep deprivation.

All sorts really. We don’t often run out of conversation.

I think you're being too hard on yourself @Athenaena! As another poster said, some people you click with, some you don't. Just give 'gossip girl' a swerve until you are feeling a bit stronger in yourself, and spend time with your loved ones. And you have identified that you are perhaps overdoing it with the alcohol. This is a prime cause of anxiety, and if you have a month off, you'll be amazed at how it helps your confidence too.

Yes I also think you're being too hard on yourself!

I don't think the problem is you, not at all. It just sounds like you've outgrown a lot of your friends. They were friends when you were younger or when you worked together, but that doesn't mean they are bound to be your friends forever.

The way you talk about your best friend -- that's a really good friendship. It's a shame she's left but you can still find other people like that, it's not easy but it will happen if you seek out people with more common interests.

But it is interesting you say you don't open up with your friends about your interests -- why do you think that is? Do you just not feel comfortable enough around them? Maybe you can improve these friendships by opening up more. But again, it's also possible that these friendships have just run their course.