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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not feeling like a priority in relationship

18 replies

curiouscat123 · 22/02/2021 10:05

First time poster, long-time stalker so please go gentle...

Since my partner and I have been together, his work has always taken front and center in his life.

His previous job was tough. He was basically working 7 days a week in what some would consider a very exciting, privileged job, but it wasn't at all what it appeared from the outside. It was very difficult for us to have routine, set expectations for when we'd spend time with each other, and it was hard going for me.

Fast forward to now and he has a different job - again very privileged, 'dream job' sort of thing. But sometimes I find it difficult to accept that his work is demanding and that our relationship has to take a backseat because it's not a 'normal' 9 to 5 job.

He has to travel for sometimes weeks at a time last minute, no week is the same, weekends are taken up by work, and it's difficult for us to plan dates/holidays/time together for us.

So a bit of background context... we have been together for over 6 years. We met in my home country, where he was working at the time, and we now live in the country where he was living before. We do not have the same nationality and there are many cultural things at play here, too.

It's taken me a couple of years to adjust to living in a different country (language, culture, being aways from family/friends etc). But I finally feel settled, great job, have made some amazing friends and I really enjoy living here.

My problem is that I still feel resentment towards the fact that I left my home country and everything I knew to be with my partner, who prioritises work above everything – family and friends included, not just me...

I flit between feeling unreasonable and 'childish' and also being very proud and happy for him that he has a job he's always wanted. He feels that I'm not 'happy for him' and I'm unsupportive of his job because I will often bring up the fact that he has to work, can't spend time doing things with me etc.

It's been a constant source of contention in our relationship, although I feel much better about it in the last year or two.

AIBU to want to feel like more of a priority? Is anyone else in a similar situation and has ways of coping with this feeling? AIBU that I feel sidelined by his career?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 22/02/2021 10:07

Yabu. You knew what he was lije with his job before you moved countries.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 10:12

You were foolish to move countries for a boyfriend in the first place. Move back home, move on. You're flogging a dead horse here.

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2021 11:31

You knew his job. You knew what life was like with him. Did you hope he would change?

Original poster

curiouscat123 · 22/02/2021 12:13

@rawalpindithelabrador I actually enjoy living abroad and my 'new' life, so that's not really on the cards.

@RedHelenB @Hankunamatata. Good point. But yes, I did hope he would change. His job now is not like the job he had when we first met, so I was expecting changes. He did promise these changes, but I'm not really seeing much change when his energy/time is being demanded in different ways than before.

I think ultimately it comes down to his nature and also a lot of cultural emphasis on money/making a better life for yourself, which is not something that I can relate to.

OP posts:

TheChiefJo · 22/02/2021 12:46

You'd be unreasonable to ask him to change career but I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask for a bit of time ring fencing. Is there no way he can set time aside that work cannot encroach upon?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2021 12:50

He is who he is, op, and that will never change. It sounds as though your relationship isn't enough for you, and that is also unlikely to change. Perhaps you need to end it and find a partner who wants the same things you do.

Myheadmyheart · 22/02/2021 12:51

What is his view on the matter? What about his career going forward? Is this likely to be the case for life?

I am intrigued btw about what the ‘dream job’ is?

MatildaTheCat · 22/02/2021 12:51

You have two options. Fight it and lose or accept it and make a life for yourself which is full and happy knowing that he will only be present for some of the time.

If you can’t accept it I’d advise you to end it now before you are more enmeshed, you don’t mention children but they make it so much more difficult to change things.

Moooooooooooooooooo · 22/02/2021 12:54

Does he make you the centre of his world when he is ‘available’? If so, you need to be able to let go of your resentment and live your life with the way things are. If he doesn’t then this is probably the reason why you resent it all so much.

oil0W0lio · 22/02/2021 12:55

His first love is his job, that is what he finds most fulfilling and engaging, this won't change you'll always be competing for attention, it sounds as if ultimately your interests are not aligned but it helps him if he can string you along so that he has someone to do the domestic work etc

oil0W0lio · 22/02/2021 12:56

His career is what makes him feel important and accomplished, feeling important and accomplished is what allows him to treat you OP as a subordinate

NarelleP77 · 22/02/2021 12:57

It's time to leave the marriage and return to your home country, or if you like being there just get out of the relationship. Once you have kids things will be much worse and you'll resent him even more. Cut your losses.

MrsPaddyGrant · 22/02/2021 13:00

He wont change - it isn't the job its him - whatever job he has he will be the same.

Either you accept and decide that what you get is enough or you leave. Most of the senior men i used to work with were either divorced or had marriages where the wife wasn't able to have a career of her own and had done all the childcare whilst they were away travelling and building their career. It never changed no matter what level they got to.

timeisnotaline · 22/02/2021 13:04

It depends what you want. I couldn’t have children with someone who I wasn’t sure was going to 1. parent, which means childcare drop offs and nappy changes and laundry and child friendly meals and picking up toys and dentist checkups, not just a trip to the park on the weekend and deigning to join the family holiday.
And 2. Support my work, which means all of the same things.
And I always wanted children, so I’d have to leave him. I would like to say I’d have left him long ago but we all hope the people we love love us back and will keep their promises and give them chances so maybe not that long ago.

averythinline · 22/02/2021 14:43

You are saying he's also prioritising friends and family as well as work before you....

Sounds like he's very much taking you for granted .....that is not a partnership....how low down the pecking list do you want to be???

Wouldn't be for me....I want a partner who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them....

He's either not that into you or that you're desperate so will settle for crumbs of his time because your vulnerable having moved country....

You're obviously smart and friendly having done such a big move hig a job and friends....think you're worth a lot more than that!

Original poster

curiouscat123 · 22/02/2021 15:44

@Myheadmyheart I don't want to say specifically, but from the outside it would be deemed very cool and 'glamorous' - but in reality the opposite... It's likely to be a job for life. He feels very grateful to have this job, and this is another reason why he's so dedicated and perhaps let's it take over his life more than it should.

@MatildaTheCat this is exactly my thought process. No we don't have children, and I certainly don't want to end up being the sole carer while he's off working @timeisnotaline.

He comes from a culture where it's pretty common for women to not work and for men to be the breadwinners. I am financially independent, split house/bills 50/50, and have a fulfilling and independent life from him. He respects my life and he is not needy of my time, and while I really wouldn't say I am a needy person, at times I need more than he gives.

@averythinline no, what I meant is that his job comes before everyone. I would say I am second to the job, but I have to emphasise, he really never switches off from work...it's not an office job, it's not 9-5, it's constant phone calls, Whatsapps, it's all times of the day and night because of timezones. This is where my frustration and resentment lies, because it feels like I never get a look in.

I would hate for him to criticise my job and the time I need to do my job (which he doesn't btw), which is why I feel torn between accepting the situation and stop 'moaning', or just cutting my losses... I think loving and thriving in his job is great, but when is it too much?

OP posts:

DrIrisFenby · 22/02/2021 15:51

@curiouscat123 You might find this thread very interesting www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4163205-Those-of-you-married-to-a-lawyer?msgid=104838716

There are some very interesting and insightful posts from MNers whose partners put their job front and centre.

I don't have an answer for you but I do feel for you. Many of my contemporaries have gone on to very demanding and time consuming jobs. DH and I chose a different path which allowed us to spend a lot more time together. Having spent many years feeling vaguely guilty that I wasn't 'fulfilling my potential' and feeling that I was letting the side down, I am now incredibly glad we did.

Original poster

curiouscat123 · 22/02/2021 16:10

Wow @DrIrisFenby, this is exactly what I needed, thank you for putting me towards the thread!

I think that sounds very wise. Work is important, but I am much more of the attitude that work should be complementary to your life, not be your life...

OP posts:

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