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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ficling freeloader.... I think answer is no...

13 replies

KittyVonCatsworth · 21/02/2021 20:32

Posted in Relationship bit I'm.so made, (and not sure I should be but AIBU?

We have some occasional blips but on the whole we work it out. However, reading a few threads this week combined with a few other factors I don't know (but I think I kinda know) how to approach this. Facts are:
DH has his own business, construction (this is kind of relevant) and works 7 days, 5 physical, 2 paperwork. Business is doing OK just now but hasn't made any money for the past 8 months and he hasn't worked.
I work full time in a senior management position in construction which means I haven't been furloughed and in fact this has meant my job has been more complex. I work 65 hours a week. I am also studying for a work related, funded degree.
We have a 10 month old granddaughter, from his daughter, my step. We have her normally every Friday, DH has her on nights, I take her from 0630 onwards to let him sleep.
He told his daughter on Friday we'd have DG all weekend and I said no, I needed some time to do what I needed to do. Now, the time I need is to clean. I've been at it from 0830 today. I'm constantly making excuses but the only reason my house is a shithole us because there's construction mess throughout the house. The floors are horrific, the washing of clothes is awful and the bath constantly has a black ring over it. Regardless of the hours I work, I always make sure dinner is always there ready for him to come home, ready to microwave (all pretty cooked during the week from scratch).
I opened up to him last week when I snapped at him that I'm struggling on many counts.
Tonight he's thrown it back in my face that I'm getting stressed with work and I'm taking it out on him and that he is working to pay our mortgage off and implicating I don't do anything.
Yes, the business has paid 75% of the mortgage off but I have paid every bill and expense that has come in. After bills I am in my overdraft, and that is with the reduced mortgage payment
I do all the housework, I do all the shopping, if there is anything life administration based I do. I think I do a lot but I'm constantly undermined because he overpaid the mortgage despite me making the shortfall for 8 months when he wasn't working.
I'm just starting to think I'm being taken the piss out of but also because I've opened up that I'm feeling a bit burned, that it's being used against me.
Apologies if it doesn't make sense, and I can elaborate on this and previous examples if asked

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVonCatsworth · 21/02/2021 20:33

Obviously the tie it fucking and not soke random word that AC decided was OK 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVonCatsworth · 21/02/2021 21:22

Fuck. Autocorrect is so shit, but so is the author 1 bottle of wine in

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 21/02/2021 21:36

No you're not a freeloader. Why can't he get off his arse and clean if he isn't working?

CoRhona · 21/02/2021 21:51

Why on earth are you doing everything? I'm sorry but this sounds so martyr-ish.

Working 65 hours a week AND studying AND looking after GD to let him sleep AND cleaning the floors and the bath??

Sod that.

partyatthepalace · 21/02/2021 21:53

It sounds like this is all very one sided OP.

I think you need to work out how much you each contribute to the running of your lives and then present it to him that it is much more equal than he thinks. And then point out it isn’t on you are doing all the cooking and cleaning, or that you are expected to have DGD all w/end.

Is he just v old fashioned and he thinks all home stuff is your job? It isn’t - it should be equal. But - you have to stop being so easy on him and get tough - work out a household rota and give him tasks (if he’s not working he should be doing most of it), make cooking much simpler, and get him to learn a couple of dishes.

He is being a prick by the sound of it, but also think you have made a rod for your own back, you have to toughen up.

Also is the house in both your name? Just check that his higher payments wouldn’t give him a higher claim if you split up. Check w citizens advice, to see if you need to keep evidence of your contributions.

Hoppinggreen · 21/02/2021 21:55

If you are working 65 hours a week and he hasn’t worked for 8 months you shouldn’t be cleaning or anything else when you get home or at weekends

Viviennemary · 21/02/2021 21:58

I certainly don't think you should be spending the whole weekend caring for a child. The whole set up sounds an absolute nightmare. I'd just walk away tbh. It doesn't sound solvable.

DaphneduWarrior · 21/02/2021 22:04

I'm confused - is he working or not? If not, he should be doing the cleaning and the cooking.

Why does he get a lie in when you're up at 6.30 with his grand-daughter??

Hankunamatata · 21/02/2021 22:10

I'm confused too. If not worked for last 8 months then why is house a tip and why are you cooking etc.

WizardOfAus · 21/02/2021 22:32

@Hankunamatata

I'm confused too. If not worked for last 8 months then why is house a tip and why are you cooking etc.
Exactly. What the fuck HAS he been doing the last 8 months?!
gah2teenagers · 21/02/2021 22:38

Get a cleaner. You can obviously afford it. It’s a no brainer.

Chloemol · 21/02/2021 22:55

Just list all jobs in the house, names next to them as to who does them now and then get them shared out

And he can look after his granddaughter all weekend, and you get on with your stuff

Beautiful3 · 21/02/2021 23:47

You shouldn't be caring for a child all weekend. Nip that in the bud. You also shouldn't be doing all the housework if hes not working!!! He should be doing something. Make a list of chores you both do, show him it and say you'll be transferring some chores (to him) to even it out.

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