To wish my friends had had babies?

[Dollywilde]

In the grand scheme of things this isn’t a big deal. But I’m the first in my group of friends to have a baby. DD is 6 months old, I’m coming out the other side of PND with the lovely help of medication and I’m realising I have two types of friends, my really amazingly good mates who don’t have kids - and people I’ve been mates with recently with kids.

I never realised before I had a baby how big the gulf was. I just want a friend who is an old friend who I can chat with about it all. I can chat about depression and vaginas with my old mates, but they don’t ‘get’ it. And I know my ‘mum’ friends have been there but I don’t love them like I do my real pals.

Do you think it’s possible to stay mates with your friends when you’re the first to have a baby?

Yabu - you can totally stay friends with your old mates, baby or no baby

Yanbu - give up now, you’ll never love your best mates the same now you have a kid and they don’t :(

I was you. I stayed friends with a few key people and are still friends now decades later. But you need new mum friends too.

Remember it's not one or the other.

I’m currently pregnant and the first of my circle of friends to do so, can offer any advice but will watch with interest.

I imagine it comes a lot down to your friends though, a few of mine have much younger siblings and so were around babies when they were older teenagers. Equally a few plan on TTC in the next 2 years or so they’ve all been happy to come along for the ride so to speak.

I imagine lockdown has also made a difference? In normal circumstances would your old mates have spent more time around you and DD do you think? And so they might ‘get it’ a bit more.

I am also you! I do still talk to my closest friends in graphic detail about my body, but even though they're interested, it's hard to understand what it's like to cough and per yourself, or one boob being droopier than the other when you've not been through something. And although I really like my new mum friends, I don't feel comfortable discussing stuff in that level of detail.

Friends, if you're reading this: have a baby!

I know what you mean, I really think you just need to make some new mum friends with kids of a similar age. I find that helped because when I’m with my older friends I get to do and talk about non mum things. You need a mix of both. As a side note you’ll probably find that when they do have kids it won’t be the same anyway because the kids will be different ages.

You can have, and will likely need, both for the support.
The childless friends may not understand your woes, but if they’re really as wonderful as you say they are, they’ll try their best to.
I don’t like having friends who are there simply because they’re mothers, it’s not a personality trait, I need to really like them too and have a fair bit in common with, so I’ve thinned them out over the years.
Honestly, I’ve found it harder having children at different developmental ages than my old friends and as such we’ve drifted, but to be honest I’m not really that bothered as the effort at maintaining a friendship works both ways, and they put in very little.

I would say if those old friendships mean that much to you then absolutely keep them up. I don't see my oldest friends as often any more (part kids/part lockdown) but those relationships are still as meaningful to me.
Also whilst you may be first, you probably won't be the last. A year after DD was born several of my friends announced pregnancies when I previously thought they were years away, and now have newborns. Now we are having all those conversations about vaginas and depression and while I'm not at the same stage I can reassure them that it does (usually) get better. And warn them for the next stage

But also don't rule out those mum friendships. They may start off just sympathising about sleep patterns but after time they may turn into more. As my mum friends live closer to me than my old friends it is them I am seeing for walks in the week and actually having meaningful conversations rather than just zoom/WhatsApp check-ins. Over time these people could become close friends, presumably your previous friendships didn't spring up fully formed in a few months?

Really for me it's not just kids, I think lockdown has enforced a lot of distance between people and encourage us to re-evaluate which ones are "worth" the effort.

I had dd1 very young. My best friend at the time is still my best friend now 28 years later, she never had any children. I do have " mum friends" but I prefer my best friend over everyone else.

As soon as my old friends have kids, it feels like they are lost to me. Still friends but itvis never the same again. We are ttc now but the last of the ones at late 30s. I wanted kids desperately at the same time as my friends earlier but life didn’t let me. Depends on your friends, but don’t be a dick about it spurring them because for some of them it might not be a choice - willing partner, health, fertility etc. Or some just might not want to! Now or ever!
Parents get very self-absorbed after having a baby and want everyone to do the same I find. It’s annoying.

I still have all the same old friends, I talk about my child and one on the way, but also lots of other things.
To be honest, the thought of having 'mum friends' makes me cringe. I've not went to parent groups because of this (although we did baby classes pre-lockdown). I'd rather have friends who have things in common with me, not just because we've both had kids. Some of my friends do also have children, but it's not the reason we're friends.

Nah I love my childless friends - they remind me who I am

Hmm, I had the 'perfect' set up once.

I was pregnant and so was one of my best friends, our babies were born two months apart.
3 years on we actually don't speak at all now and it's because we had babies at the same time. No big fall out or argument but over time her OTT parenting and middle class background clashed with working class me and my relaxed way of parenting.
Things that didn't matter to us before children.

We (for want of a better word) clashed over everything.
Maternity leave- I loved every minute, she was bored.
Feeding- she formula fed, organic only, no sugar before 1. I breastfed and wasn't that fussed if my baby ate a custard cream.
Sleeping- she read every book and went Gina Ford method from day 1. I went with the flow.
She was OTT about germs, toys and clothing and it came across as pretentious.

When the babies started hitting milestones it almost felt competitive.
Then talk about future schools and the plans for her child to only go to private school. 'I would never send my DC to a state school' were her exact words knowing that would be my only option for my DC.
I'd had enough after that but did try to get away from the kids topic and concentrate on other things but the cracks were already there.
Anyway, she's a great mum and I'm not saying my way was any better/worse just very different and it ultimately ruined our friendship.

On the other hand my very best friend of 25 years has no children (I have 3) and we are still very close and talk/message every day.

Most of my old prebaby friends have had a baby in the year or so after I had my son. I’ve now had a 2nd baby and have a lovely mix of old and new mum friends.