How late is too late for a phone call?

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I haven't seen my brother much over the last year for obvious reasons. Every few months we catch up over the phone. He usually rings me because he works whereas I'm a SAHM, so it's just easier for him to catch me at a good time rather than the other way around.

We're usually on the phone for 1-1.5 hours. The last couple of times he's called at 9pm. We both have young children (both have 1 & 3 year olds) so both have broken nights and early mornings. 10-10:30pm is waaaayyy too late for me to still be on the phone by the time I switch off and get to sleep as I am usually disturbed by the 1 year old around 1am and woken by the 3 year old any time from 5am. His kids are worse sleepers than mine.

This got me thinking, what time is it too late to call someone when you know it's going to be a fairly lengthy chat? Even without the kids/disrupted sleep situation I wouldn't like to be on the phone that late, but I have always been an early to bed, early to rise type so I may be in the minority.

YANBU - 9pm is too late to call when you know the call is likely to be 1 hour plus.

YABU - stop being an old lady and speak to your brother at what is a perfectly acceptable time of day.

I was going to say 9pm, but that's for a normal length of call. If you were off by 10 would that be fine? Because you could find a way to finish the call at 10. It is also only every few months as you say.
In many families any time before 9 is part of the horror that is a family bedtime!

Its whatever you are both happy with.

YABU. Perhaps you could try ringing him at 8 instead if that’s more convenient.

I think it depends on the dynamic of your house - if you have kids, what time you go to bed etc. But I’d probably say 9 is too late for me and 8 would be better. I don’t even go to bed super early, but I like to have the last couple of hours before bed free to wind down and relax etc.

Either way it’s fine to say 9pm is too late for you with the kids etc, and to suggest an earlier time.

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown that's true, both of mine have always been in bed by 7 but you're right, I think his are probably later.

YANBU

I go to bed at 9.30 so in the situation you describe 8pm would be latest. I suggest you call him instead.

If it’s only every few months, I wouldn’t think of it as a big deal. Or maybe you could ring each other more frequently but for less time? Say, every fortnight just for 20 minutes or so?

9pm is fine to call someone but if 10.30pm is too late for you, you either need shorter calls or to start earlier.

But socially to call at 9pm is perfectly acceptable.

To those who say call him instead - I've tried! He's useless with his phone, he's either not got it on him or the battery is flat. No answerphone, no landline. I tried to call him earlier and just got the 'this person's phone is unavailable' message. That's why it's just easier for him to catch me, as I'm generally home (well, always home at the moment!) and my phone is usually on.

A call of that duration at that time wouldn’t work for me just because of what else I’ve got going on during the evening. The only family that I chat to the phone is my dad, we don’t have a set day but we time it for 8.30pm and always done by 9. We speak regularly and that’s what works for us. It’s about finding a balance which works for both parties.

I’d say 9pm for me as that’s before dc is in bed and we relax watching tv before bed . I’d not answer after 9pm tbh if it was urgent they’d leave a message / text . My dm I wouldn’t ring after 7 as she’s up really early . Dh dad has been known to ring at 10-10.30 when we’ve gone to bed not urgent just be careful driving to work tomorrow it’s icy or dgc has left something at their house you know really urgent things .

If the phone rings after 10 pm, I think, ‘Oh no. Who has died?’

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. So after 9 is good for me, after 9:30 is even better.

I've got the kids to sleep, washed and tidied up by 9:30/10ish and I don't usually go to bed until about 12:30/1:00.

But it depends on your own circumstances. MIL goes to bed about 9 so I wouldn't ring her after that. My parents about 11/12 so my cut off for them is about 10. With friends it's usually pre-arranged catch ups, but typically about 8/8:30ish because we all have young children so it needs to be past their bedtime.

I'd say not after 8pm unless agreed. A call after that seems unreasonable given young children, and indeed a late night call does make you think someone has died or has been taken to hospital.